Archive for childhood
>First Christmas Day.
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In the Netherlands we celebrate two Christmas days on the 25th and the 26th, so today is the first Christmas day. We don’t as a rule exchange presents, but do start off the day eating good things with our cups of coffee and I just had a double chocolate chocolaty cake with peach filling at my sister’s with my café latte. It was almost like eating pure chocolate, it was so good, and I could have had all I wanted, but unfortunately one piece was all I could handle and it was on the small side too. My sister would have liked to invite me for dinner as well, but since I can’t eat anything she’s going to serve, that’s an exercise in futility and frustration, so we don’t even consider that. It’s very disappointing when you can never have dinner at someone else’s house, but that’s the price I pay for the gastric band.
We reminisced and talked about our childhood and about our mutual marriages and about our children and about what we have in common and how we function as human beings. We come from the same nest and have the same kind of oddities and the same kind of unique attitudes. We are more similar than we are different and that became apparent today as we shared some of our deeper thoughts about ourselves and how we deal with relationships and problems we run into as a whole. We are not so far removed from the core as we think we are. Our childhood very much influenced who we turned out as people and left a big impression on our personalities and we struggle with it regularly. Why this subject came about today of all days is a mystery, but sometimes we find ourselves in these conversations.
Last night, after I finished writing my post, I made lists of all the books I have mooched and that didn’t take all that long. Then I arranged the rest of the books by color and I was done with everything within an hour. I need some bookends, because not all the cubicles are filled up, but I don’t know if I have any of those. The Exfactor may have some that he may let me have. I’ll have to ask him. I need some very simple metal ones, the kind they use in the library. I have one or two of them, but I need about three more. I should have grabbed what I could when I had the chance. I was not greedy enough.
Anyway, the bookcase looks great and I have two cubicles that can be filled with more mooched books. Some cubicles are tightly packed and not a pin can be pushed in between. That’s what happens when you try to get all the same colors together.
I’ve made myself a cup of strong coffee and now I can join the living again. The first thing I had to do was feed the dog, who then refused to eat because I was not right there beside him while he ate. So I stayed by him while he ate what was in his bowl. Silly dog. The cats weren’t pleased, because that didn’t leave anything for them to eat, beside their own kibbles. It’s hard to please everybody and I don’t even start trying.
So, I’ve wasted First Christmas Day doing absolutely nothing noteworthy, which is as it should be. Tomorrow is another day and I will finish my chores then, although officially it’s a holiday. I don’t care, though. You can have too many holidays in a row too and I need to vacuum my bedroom. There are dog hairs there that need removing and the bathroom floor needs to be mopped. I’m a great one for doing chores, aren’t I? I talk about them more than I spend time doing them.
Does your dog scratch the rug too in order to make a good place to lie down? My dog is always doing that, as if he digging himself a hollow to lie down in. Apparently he thinks it works, because he keeps doing it.
I have to go walk him now and thank goodness it has stopped raining, because it was doing that nonstop too earlier. It’s a balmy 4C outside. Nowadays you’re thankful for any degrees above zero Celsius. All the rain has made the last of the slippery snow disappear, so that’s good. No chance of breaking your neck anymore. Watch, these were my famous last words as I found the last patch of icy snow.
I hope you’re all having a good time celebrating this holiday. Amazingly enough, it doesn’t bother me that I’m spending most of it on my own. It is fine, as I have the animals and I did see my sister and I will see Joost on Sunday. But it really isn’t a bad time to spend by myself and I can always watch the horrible Christmas shows on television.
Ciao,
Nora
>I didn’t…
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I didn’t hang up the sheets to dry yesterday. I didn’t wash the dog’s blanket either and I didn’t apply flea drops. Don’t ask me why I failed to do these things. Well, yes, ask me. I had a mild case of anxiety and it got in the way of me and I was unable to get out from underneath it, so I finally caved in and took 10 mg of Oxazepam, which is my tranquilizer and a very low dose. I watched television then and after a while I felt better and was more relaxed again. So it seems that the tranquilizers do still have their place in my life and I had to admit that to myself and made peace with it.
I dozed on the sofa and when it was time, I put on my pajamas and took the rest of my medication and then went to sleep on the sofa for the night, because I had a hunkering to sleep there and not in my bed. I felt a bit claustrophobic the last time I slept in my bed and I thought I would see how it was to sleep on the sofa, which I hadn’t done in a while. Well yes, when Joost was here. I had forgotten about that. It seems like such a long time ago, but it was only a few weeks.
I didn’t have any blankets over me and woke up in the middle of the night kind of chilly, but I wrapped my arms around myself and went back to sleep. I kept the television turned on low and was aware of the sound, but not directly of what the voices said, so they did not penetrate my dreams. It does make you sleep restlessly, though, and I should have gotten up to turn the television off, but I didn’t want to be bothered. Those were a few movements to many.
Jesker was confused at one point and went to sleep in the bedroom. He came back after a while and slept beside me on the area rug. There was a cat laying on top of me, but when I turned over to get comfortable, she disappeared, which was good, because it was not working out well with her bony elbows in my ribs.
When I got up this morning, I was a little bit sore from having lain there. The sofa doesn’t quite support my back as well as the mattress, but the soreness disappeared after I was up for a while. I turned the computer on to check my emails and spent some time petting Jesker who was in great need of a cuddle.
After I answered my emails, I shut the computer off and washed my hair, which was totally smashed on one side and sticking up very funky on the other. That’s what you get when you very liberally apply wax and hairspray. It does molest your hair when you sleep on it. After I washed and dried it, I pushed it into place with more wax and hairspray and got it just right, to my amazement. Sometimes that just happens. It’s when, by some miracle, you do exactly the right things.
I walked Jesker and made some cigarettes and then it was time for my appointment with my SPN. I rode my bike over there in a hard wind, but my hair could not be blown out of place and I arrived in one piece, as put together as when I left the apartment.
I told my SPN about the Oxazepam that I had taken and that sometimes, at the end of the afternoon, I feel a bit anxious and I have a harder time settling down and I find it difficult to soothe myself and to get myself in a good place where I’m relaxed and calm and serene and at ease. Actually, I’m a bit of a ball of nerves then, though it is not as bad as could be expected.
So I asked her if I could have a supply of tranquilizers that I could take as needed with a daily limit put on it that I would not exceed. She thought that might be a good idea after she asked me how I dealt with the anxiety, and called my psychiatrist and put the question to him. He agreed also and thought that was a good idea, considering I was coming off such a huge dose, so about 5 minutes later he walked into the office with a prescription for 1 tablet 4 times a day if needed.
He also told me, that while my SPN is on holiday for ten days, he is at all times available to me for the least little thing, no matter how unimportant I think it is. He says it’s better to call, than not to call.
So I’m very much put at ease by that affirmation and by the tranquilizers, which I picked up at the pharmacy on my way home. It’s good to know that there are people out there keeping an eye on me and who I can turn to should there be a need. I’m very much strengthened by the knowledge that I have the tranquilizers and I took one when I got home, because of the deep and reflective nature of the talk that my SPN and I had about my early childhood and how my character was then and how that compares to me now. It seems that I haven’t changed very much, except for becoming more mature and wiser. I’m still a person of extremes as I’ve always been.
So, I hadn’t hung up the laundry outside and now I’m too late, because it’s raining. There’s a nice steady down pour, which I enjoy, and I’ve already walked Jesker, so it’s okay. Let it pour. I hope the laundry on the rack in the bathroom is dry, so I can hang the sheets to dry there.
I’m supposed to do my sets of three chores today, so I’m mentally preparing myself for that. It takes a little courage to get started, although I already opened the mail, but it was not a lot. There is one thing I need to call about, but there is no rush. I hardly feel any pressure. Which is good, because the tranquilizer is working and I don’t think I’m capable of performing in any complicated way. Just imagine that I used to take so many of these. I don’t know how I functioned before.
It’s a good thing I haven’t bothered to wash the windows on the outside, because it would have been a complete waste of time. Isn’t that very convenient for me? Rain will cover up the grime, at least until the weather turns dry again. Then I’ll have to get busy and clean them before the Fall starts, there’s no more time to put it off. Maybe I can talk the Exfactor into helping me with the windows in the back. I figure it’s still his dirt too and I’ve been nice about it. Or is that not good reasoning?
I’m turning 55 next week. I think it’s one heck of a birthday, bigger than turning 50. There must be all sorts of benefits attached to turning 55, but I haven’t heard about any of them yet. I hope to get some nice information about it in the mail. You always hear so much about being 55+. At least in this country you do. I want to reap the rewards and get all sorts of discounts. I’m counting on it.
Well, I suppose I’ll start on my sets of chores now. I’ll have to pull myself away from the computer with some effort. It isn’t easy when you have an addiction, as you will all know. First I’m going to open the back door and the kitchen window to let some fresh air in.
Hope you are having a good day so far. I’m having a splendid one myself looking through rose tinted glasses.
Ciao…
>Wednesday after the ergo therapy.
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Well, you all know that I started feeling better after my daughter’s phone call. That brought me back to reality a bit and reminded me of some very important people I love. That was very good for me and I was able to have a relaxed evening and a good night’s sleep and was woken by the alarm clock at 7 AM.
I had to go to ergo therapy and it was especially important that I go, because I find that the therapist there usually sheds some light on whatever problem I am dealing with. I usually have a “Eureka Moment” there, so I assumed I would have one today also. I was bound and determined to have one.
After dressing in my lavender leggings and my black and white mini dress and my brown boots, I took the dog for a walk and then had a cup of coffee and made some cigarettes, before I hopped on my bike and rode it to the clinic. I was on time to sit on the deck with an espresso and chat with some other people before it was time for the therapy . We all filed in with our cups of coffee and found our place to sit and I was eager to start, but the therapist had an announcement first.
The clinic has been taken over by another country wide organization and they want the clients to do six half days of therapy in a week. I am doing three half days right now, so I needed to add another three. So, all of us had to add some half days to our schedule and we got the paperwork out to see what we could add.
If it all works out, I have added another 4 hour creative class on Tuesdays, a dance class on Wednesdays, providing four other women I know also go, a music therapy class on Thursdays and a relaxation techniques class also on Thursdays. That’s beside the two mornings of creative therapy I already do on Mondays and Fridays and the ergo therapy I do on Wednesdays.
It’s a very full schedule and there is some concern as to whether or not I can handle it, but I think I will be fine. Or am I overestimating myself now? I never know until I try it, it will be like having a job and going to work every day. I think it’s good, as it will leave me less time to be alone with my own thoughts and ponder things and I will get tired and sleep well.
So, anyway, then we did our usual round and when it was my turn I told about my bad down turn and about what happened at creative therapy on Monday and that I had been drinking and had suicidal thoughts and had been very depressed and the whole damn story and we discussed all of this for awhile to get to the bottom of it and what it really comes down to, is that on Monday I felt rejected and I take rejection very personally and that has to do with my childhood.
When I get a rejection, I feel rejected as a whole person, all of me is rejected and with me that leads to extreme feelings of worthlessness and depression and self destructive thoughts and suicidal tendencies. I literally start to self destruct emotionally, but also wish it physically. I chaotically start to fall apart and stop functioning normally and it takes me a lot of talking with other people and a lot of reasoning to see my way out of that situation again.
So, you could say that I am vulnerable to rapid cycling, but that there is always a trigger that gets me started if you look carefully enough and it is probably something that would not upset someone else so much. It wouldn’t fester like that.
So, that’s pretty clear, isn’t it? It makes sense to me.
Now for something completely different.
Today I received this beautiful bouquet of roses from my good and thoughtful blogging friend Tessa, who had it sent to me to put a smile on my face. Well, you can bet that it did. It’s gorgeous and I luckily had the perfect vase for it and they stand on the dining table where I can look at them constantly and admire them very much. Thank you very much, Tessa, you peach! Some people are very good at performing random acts of kindness and Tessa is one of them.
I have to feed the Überhund and take him for a walk and then eat something and I may just get comfortable and put my pajamas on, but that’s a big maybe, because it is rather early still.
I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive of me with your comments and wise advice. I hope I’m a little bit smarter now and that I will be okay now.
Have a very good evening.
Ciao…
Another Splendid Day 