Archive for September, 2010
>Trying for inspiration in the early morning!
>
I’ve had my first cup of coffee and the cobwebs of sleep are removed from my mind. I will have my second cup next, after I first take my medicines, because I almost forgot about them. So, I quickly took them and poured my second cup of coffee and now I’m ready to try and write something interesting and inspiring.
I think my last post was especially dull, but it was written when I was exceptionally tired and not really in the right frame of mind to write a post. I went to bed immediately afterwards and was sound asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. As a matter of fact, I was dozing off while I was still sitting behind the computer, so that shows you what a silly woman I can be. You shouldn’t blog when you are half asleep and pretending you’re not. Nothing good will come of it. I am such a stubborn woman sometimes, that I think I can’t end the day unless I’ve written a post. The fact that I may not have anything to say doesn’t enter into the equation.
So now is the morning of a busy day, but it is still early and I don’t feel rushed yet. I will get excited in about two hours when time will start to press. I must shower and wash my hair again, because it is flattened against my head on one side and I look like I’ve been slapped upside the head and I’m completely crooked. I must make an appointment with my hairdresser and get my hair cut on the sides and in the back. Not on the top, it is the perfect length there. I’m moving away from punky hair and going for a little bit more sedate look, but one I can still make look unruly and mess around with if I want.
At least I know which clothes I’m wearing today and because It’s going to be a cool day, I’ll be wearing my cowboy boots. I’ve not worn them in a long time and it will be fun to put them on again and step around like a tough broad. Not that I especially feel like one. I haven’t got that attitude about me at all. I feel more like a kindly earth mother who is all goodness and graciousness and wouldn’t harm a fly. The tranquilizers make me much too mellow to be a broad with an attitude and kick ass boots. Come to think of it, maybe I should wear different boots, so nobody gets the wrong impression. Do you think it will matter or will the benign look on my face speak words?
I’ve stopped drinking coffee and am drinking cold orange juice now. It’s a special brand that’s supposed to be very good and I must say that it tastes better than what I usually get. I could easily drink three or four glasses of it. I got it from my sister who had too much of it and an overloaded refrigerator. I’m buying this brand from now on, because I like it a lot better. See how easily I can be persuaded to switch brands? Just put something better in front of me, that’s all it takes. I don’t care about the price. It’s the taste that matters. I had been drinking my juice rather reluctantly and hardly at all lately. It languished in the refrigerator and only when I almost ran out of milk did I drink it. I thought I just didn’t like juice very much.
Well, I must get going. It’s that time of the morning. I’m not looking forward to the shower, because it is cold in here and the windows are still open. Still, I must be brave and do it. Then I have to go and walk Tyke before it starts to rain.
Have a good morning!
Ciao,
Nora
>A little nap…
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I took what was supposed to be a little after dinner nap, but woke up four hours later instead, all sweaty and hot and bothered. I took off some clothes to cool off and made myself a cup of coffee and quickly came to my senses again and now it’s raining outside and for some reason that sounds just right and I wish to go stand in it and let myself get completely wet. It’s thundering and lightening too, though, so I guess I better not. It’s really pouring down hard, it’s raining buckets, sort to say.
Today I waited for my package with the long sleeved top to get here, but when it didn’t at the usual time, I checked the mailbox and sure enough, it was in there. At least I didn’t waste the rest of the afternoon waiting for it, because I did have to walk Tyke. I tried on the top right away and I’m happy with it. It fits perfectly and is gray, which is the fashion color this winter, and it can be worn layered with another top underneath. I wore it when I took Tyke for his walk, because I was already wearing the perfect clothes to go with it. Never let it be said that I’m not well dressed when I walk the dog.
It was a perfectly lovely day. The sun was shining and it was pleasantly warm. The rain that had been predicted had not come yet. This will have been our last nice weather. After this we get cooler temperatures and more rain, real autumn weather. Well, it is almost October after all. Can you believe that? The leaves are changing color and there is an autumn like quality in the air. The sun is lower on the horizon and sets earlier in the evening. It becomes dawn later and the birds aren’t up as early. I tell myself that I don’t mind these things, and I think I really don’t, it’s only the dead of winter I don’t like.
The Exfactor was supposed to be here today, but this morning I got an email from him saying that he would not come and that he would be here tomorrow instead. There was no reason why. Now, tomorrow is a bad day for me and he knows it. That’s when my personal helper is here and my domestic help. I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist. He’s done this to me before, cancel without an explanation and come on a day when it was not convenient at all and it really ticks me off. I said so in a return email. It seems that something better comes along and that he just changes his mind. I haven’t heard a thing from him yet and he will probably just show up some time tomorrow. Gggrrr!
I mustn’t let that aggravation spoil my mood, which was nice and mellow. I intend to be in a good mood before I go to bed. I’m slowly getting ready to. I’m already yawning and any minute now I’m going to put on my pajamas.
I hope you all have a good night!
Ciao,
Nora
>Something not to do…
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I mustn’t get up in the middle of the night when I am actually still sleepy enough to go back to bed after I’ve gone to the toilet and let Tyke out back even though I feel good and it’s tempting to sit behind the computer in that mood and answer emails. If I do stay up, I get tired in the morning and have to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the morning and don’t get a thing done. Then when I finally do get up, I have cobwebs in my head and I need several cups of coffee to get in a functioning mode again. So it’s just a bunch of silliness and I do hope that I remember tonight to go back to bed after I’ve been up for the necessities.
I did shower and wash my hair and get dressed up. I wore a pair of black leggings, a black denim mini skirt, a black tank top with red flowers and my new red cardigan that’s so funky. I also wore my ankle boots and a lot of perfume. I thought I looked nice. Not bad for an old lady anyway. A middle aged croon. I did want to make a good impression, after all. Never let it be said that I under dress.
Full of tranquilizers and courage I rode my bike to my creative class, which turned out to be such an easy thing to do. I very leisurely made my way over there and I was not nervous one bit. I got there right on time and walked straight into the room and introduced myself to the person in charge, who happened to be a very nice man. He asked me what I would like to do and I told him that I wanted to work with clay and that I did have experience with it and I mentioned my other therapy class.
So, a work place was made available to me and I got all the materials I wanted and went to work. This time I’m not copying anything from a picture, but I’m trying to make something up myself and let me tell you, it is tough. I’m really working very hard at it to make it look like something and I change my mind as I go along and reshape it and cut pieces off and add pieces. It will be a lot of hard work to get it to look like anything that I will be satisfied with, but I’ve got all the time in the world and I get to work on it again on Monday. It easier to copy something, though, then to make something up.
I didn’t really get to know anybody in the class. They seemed to be very paired up and palls with each other, but the teacher is a very nice man and so is his volunteer. Nobody took their coffee break at the same time, while I took mine at the official time and I sat outside in the gazebo with some people from other groups, but none of them were very forthcoming. Hopefully that will be different on Monday. I just have to get into the swing of things and not be such a stranger. It’s a shame, though, that I don’t speak dialect, because they all do.
The time went by quickly enough and before I knew it, it was time to clean up. I had to place my sculpture under a damp cloth and in a plastic bag and put it on a shelf. I’ll have to think about it this week and decide what I want to improve about it by looking at the sculptures I have at home and maybe look in the sculpture photograph book on Monday to get some ideas. There are some obvious things I’m doing wrong and I can’t remember how to do them right.
I’m looking forward to Monday afternoon anyway now that I have a taste of it. I’m very excited about continuing my project and making it come out right, no matter how long it takes.
I walked Tyke straight away when I got home. He had been a good boy while I was gone and had not gotten into any trouble. I don’t really know what he does when I’m not home, but he seems to come from my bedroom when I walk into the door. Maybe he just lies on the bed there and waits for me to come back.
After I walked Tyke, I put on my pajamas and my bathrobe and I’ve been very comfortable ever since. It’s nice to be dressed up, but it’s equally nice to be super comfortable in your socks and sleepwear.
Tomorrow the Exfactor is coming over and I’m expecting a package. It’s a long sleeved top that only cost me 2.50 Euros, because I got a coupon and I went to the sales section of the on line store. I saved more than 30 Euros. I love a good deal. I just hope the top is as nice as it looked on the picture. I hope it becomes me. I also have to do the laundry and change the bed and do some ironing. I have one load drying, one load in the machine and one load coming up. How can one person generate so much washing?
The tranquilizers are saving my life. I would not have done nearly as well today without them. I doubt I would have made it to creative class. I would have been a right mess. And a depressed one on top of it. I’m ever so grateful for them.
Have a good night you all.
Ciao,
Nora
>How the magic works…
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I’m very comfortably and contentedly sitting here in the very early hours of the morning having my second cup of freshly made coffee. All is well with the world and that is a very far cry from how I have felt for the last several days or so. I am happy to report that the days of anxiety and depression seem to be behind me now and that I am as relaxed as a newly unfolded leaf on a tree in the springtime and that all my worries and stress have dropped off my shoulders like so many tons of bricks.
I talked to my psychiatrist over the phone yesterday and got his permission to use the tranquilizers during the day as well and this has made so much difference that I feel like a newborn person. Instead of wanting to cower under the duvet in bed, I feel that I can face things again and function like an able bodied person and perform my duties and, because I feel no anxiety, the depression is kept at bay too.
I wasn’t about to let this problem I was having simmer on the back burner endlessly and I realized that I needed to take a proactive role in solving it. I thought the most obvious thing to do would be to get rid of the large amount of anxiety and the only way I knew to do that was with the use of tranquilizers, so when I took my first ones on my own and noticed the difference, I knew I was on the right track. Since then, the anxiety has not returned and I have felt good ever since.
I was able to do some jobs around the house and walk Tyke and sit down and relax and watch some television, which I had not been able to do. I even ate a decent meal, which had gone by the wayside also. I had been eating snack foods or nothing much at all. I had however been drinking copious amounts of milk and juice, so I was not totally deficient of nutrients.
I feel able to face the day now, which involves going to the post office to mail those packages and going to my first creative class. I was dreading going to the post office and I can’t tell you why. It just seemed like an enormous impossible task that I was not capable of. I think I can now do it easily. I’m also not worried about going to the creative class. I will be fine. It’s just a five minute ride on my bike away from here and it’s not a strange place for me. The creative class is in the same space where I had my creative therapy class. The people will be different and the person leading the class will be different, but all the materials will be the same. If I get through this day alright, it will be proof to me that I can do more than I think I’m capable of.
It’s not nearly dawn yet, but I think I will jump in the shower and wash my hair. I can’t do a thing with it. I need to be properly dressed for my day out too. That means picking out something different than what I have been wearing lately. A new day with a new outfit. Hurray!
Have a nice day!
Ciao,
Nora
>Stress-less.
>
I had so much anxiety that I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Everywhere I looked, the black dog prowled around and I don’t mean Tyke by that. I couldn’t find any peace of mind. I finally took two tranquilizers and they have now started to work and I feel a bit calmer. I have also asked for my psychiatrist to call me, because I want to talk to him before I see him on Friday. I must get some help before that time if I’m to survive in one piece.
At the suggestion of someone very smart, I’ve asked the powers who are in charge to move my domestic help to another time and/or day, so that I will be able to go to my creative class on Monday afternoon. I had not even thought of that myself. It’s a good thing that someone else out there was doing the thinking for me.
This morning I paid the bills and got my paperwork in order. I made up the packages to mail, but I didn’t go to the post office. It was beyond me and I’m planning on doing it tomorrow morning. Going somewhere is a real chore. I have to build up a whole strategy around it. I can’t just spontaneously walk out the door. Everything takes a lot of courage that I’m short of.
The smallest things are super complicated and I have to think the process through all the way to the end before I begin them, otherwise they are too intimidating. It can be something as simple as watering the plants. It seems like a very difficult chore and like it is too much responsibility for me. I could kill them by giving them too much or too little water, so I do nothing and put it off. I will get it done this afternoon and write it down in my agenda. I’m going to write down all my little achievements. It will make it look like I am still capable. Like I’m still worth something. It will make my agenda look full too.
I’ve just had a cup of coffee and it has straightened out my head. It’s funny how I always need a cup of coffee to do that for me or I can’t think straight. It makes such a difference. I make six cups in the morning, but I don’t drink them all. I reheat a cup as I need it in the microwave. It’s a little bitter, but it does the job and I take milk in it, so that softens the blow. I could never function without coffee and I don’t know how people manage on tea alone. I would be very miserable on it. I would not do well at all.
The tranquilizers are working properly now and I’m not filled with anxiety anymore. I’m actually feeling relaxed, as far as that is possible. They do take a load of my mind and I should always feel this way. Life would be so much more manageable and easier to take and the black dog has retreated. He’s now lurking in the foothills.
Suddenly things don’t seem so overwhelming anymore and I think I can now water the plants without having a nervous breakdown. I think I can even hang up the laundry and make my bed. It’s even possible that I will be able to read my book again, which I have not been able to do for a couple of days. That would be very nice. I’ve gotten more books in the mail and I now have all the books that I had ordered with the gift certificate that I got from my daughter. I have enough reading material anyway, so it’s a shame when I don’t have the concentration to read. I haven’t even been able to watch television.
Tyke’s having a lie down in the sunshine on the dining table and is watching the children get out of school. It’s one of his favorite pastimes, because he does like children so very much. Every once in a while a dog also walks by on a leash and that really gets his attention, but he never barks, he just looks. I think he likes little dogs the most. They seem to really perk him up. He’s just a friendly little guy and thinks the world is filled with equally friendly creatures.
Well, you’ve been witness to a metamorphosis. I’ve gone from anxious to calm. I think I will have one more cup of coffee and then get on with the chores. I have courage now, so I have to grab the bull by the proverbial horns.
Have a good rest of the day.
Ciao,
Nora
>On the road again…
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I went to bed early last night and took some extra tranquilizers and managed to sleep through the night, which was very pleasant and something I needed to do. It felt very good to fall into a sound sleep and to wake up refreshed and not tired anymore. Initially I only had one reheated cup of coffee, but I just decided to make a fresh pot, so that I will be ready to take care of some much needed to do chores and get those out of the way while it is still early in the day. I have to take advantage of the momentum and the courage that I still have early in the morning, before all of the anxiety hits me. I have to pay bills and get some packages ready for the mail and then actually go to the post office to mail them. That will be the real test of my courage.
It’s terrible not to know where your mood is going to take you on a day. I am rather insecure right now and unsure of how I will be able to pull things off. I’m going to act as if everything is okay and I can do whatever comes my way without the least amount of trouble, but that’s not how it feels inside. I feel like I should perform some magic ritual to make to outcome more sure and to make myself more steady. If I drink just the right amount of coffee and smoke just the right amount of cigarettes, maybe everything will turn out right. Of course, I should also take my medicines on time and not a minute too late or too early.
I have turned on the day light therapy lamp just in case that’s going to alleviate my mood some. I hope it helps and I will use it for a while and see if it makes a difference. I should know after a few days if it does.
Tyke is sound asleep on the sofa and has not let me know yet that he needs to go for a walk. He is snoring just a little bit and it sounds very cozy. Gandhi is asleep in the armchair, my favorite chair to sit in, but she’s welcome to it for now. I’ll be sitting behind the computer for a while yet. I can pay all the bills on line. At least those are the conveniences of these modern times. Thank goodness for them.
The day is starting. The paper delivery person has just come by. It is the first noise I’ve heard this morning. He does ride on an irritating sounding scooter. What a way to wake up the neighborhood.
I think I will walk Tyke first and pay the bills next. It will be good to get some fresh air while it is still relatively quiet outside and the traffic hasn’t started up yet. It’s just beginning to become dawn.
Have a good day.
Ciao,
Nora
>Back at it again…
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I just got called by someone from the clinic to tell me that I can start my creative class Wednesday afternoon. I could also go on Monday afternoon, but I explained that I have my domestic help here then. I was told to try and make a different arrangement with the person who leads the class. At any rate, they are trying to give me two afternoons, so that’s not bad. I asked for two classes and they are willing to give them to me if there is space.
I am worried about going to the class, because I’m in that kind of a mood again. I feel very insecure and rather depressed. I’m frankly not doing so well and what I want to do more than anything is crawl away in a corner and never come out. That won’t do, though, and I do try to function up to some point. I worry about having to take care of things and not being able to and I find myself postponing what I think is unpleasant and difficult. My courage is lacking.
Needless to say, I’m smoking again. All I was doing anymore is lie in bed and sleep. It was a depressing existence, but I knew no other way to survive. Any time I was up, all I could think about were cigarettes and how much I wanted to smoke. I fled to bed to escape the thoughts of them. I thought I was going to manage that way, but I was wrong.
What I really need is for someone to come and take care of some of the more difficult things now, but I’m afraid that I have to take care of them myself. I’ll give myself today to recuperate, but I hope that tomorrow I have my act together better.
I’m going to lie down now and listen to the radio. It’s the least uncomplicated thing I can think of. It’s safe too.
Ciao,
Nora
>Falling down hard…
>
At 10:30 this morning I went to the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes and I have been smoking them ever since. I am going to smoke every cigarette until they’re all gone and then I’m going to quit all over again. A terrible desire to smoke came over me and I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I wasn’t looking forward to the day and had not slept well. I was worried about coping and couldn’t imagine the day without a cigarette. I could have just had two or three, but now that I have them, I want all of them. It seems like they are the most precious things I’ve ever had. They are so neat and pretty in their rectangular pack. I’m in trouble, aren’t I?
I will assume that this is just an episode I’m going through, like a drunk falling off the wagon. I’ll get back on the wagon as soon as I can. As soon as all these cigarettes are gone anyway, because I’m enjoying them too much. I’m not courageous enough to flush them down the toilet. Not yet, anyway.
I didn’t sleep well and at first didn’t even go to bed. I sat in my armchair with my book and fell asleep there. I woke up a few hours later and turned on the computer. I should have gone straight to bed, but I don’t seem to be thinking clearly these last 24 hours. I did make it to bed eventually, but I didn’t sleep long enough and now my schedule is all messed up.
I think my increasingly bad mood has to do with the fact that I’m smoking and I just flushed the rest of my cigarettes down the toilet. I’m sure that the poisonous chemicals are not good for my state of mind. On top of that I was awfully disappointed with myself and I didn’t like my own behavior. I would only dislike myself more if I kept on smoking. I tore the cigarettes in pieces and threw them in the toilet bowl. There, that’s it. I need to be able to feel proud of myself and like my behavior. I know I can live without smoking. I just have to continue to do it. Come hell or high water.
It’s not been a good weekend to tell you the truth. I’ve been out of sorts and I don’t know how much stopping smoking has to do with it. In reality I think smoking does my mood no good and I think it is just an illusion for me to think that it does. I actually feel better when I don’t smoke. It’s the habit of smoking that I miss and the instant gratification, but in the long term I don’t think it helps me be in a good mood at all.
But still, I do miss smoking and having to think of other ways to fill my time and keeping myself occupied and having to direct my restless hands and mind along other paths not previously taken. I would be a liar if I said that was not true. What I must try to do is keep my life simplified and not add stress to it by not getting enough sleep and upsetting my schedule and doing things that I normally would not do. I need to keep myself focused on each individual moment and not anticipate so much and try to look into the unforeseen future and worry, which is what I was starting to do.
I have to try, while I quit smoking, to live from moment to moment and not make things so difficult for myself. I have a tendency to want to complicate my life when it shouldn’t be necessary that I do, or when it is even silly to, and I must break that bad habit. I do have to cut myself some slack and go easy on myself. There’s no reason to prove that I can jump through hoops. I will once again return to this moment, right now, and be present in the reality of my life and see the simplicity of it. I’ve made it uncomplicated for a reason.
I’m glad and relieved that I threw those cigarettes away. I was worried about having to smoke the whole pack. I thought that’s what I wanted, but I was not comfortable with the idea. It bothered me that I was so willful.
I’m going to read my book now, or better yet, take a nap. I think that will be nice. It will settle my mind and I will be in a better mood to go celebrate my nephew’s 16th birthday later today.
Ciao,
Nora
>In the evening…
>
There are whole periods of time when I forget about cigarettes and I don’t think about them at all. When I’m so preoccupied that the fact that I used to smoke does not even register on my memory. It’s very pleasant when it doesn’t and kind of bothersome when I do remember it, although I think that I can easily forget cigarettes again if I can keep them off my mind for such a long time. I push the thought of them back into oblivion and concentrate on something else. Every time I do that successfully and manage to distract myself, I figure that I have the winning hand and that I will get better at not smoking with every day that passes, although right now I’m happy with every hour of the day that I pass without smoking.
I divide my day up in sections and each section knows its difficult time that I have to get through and somehow I find a way to cope with it. I find that keeping my mind occupied is a very good way to deal with the desire to smoke, because one of the reasons I want to smoke is because I get bored and sit and stare at the walls. That’s a definite thing not to do and I must always make sure that I’m actively engaged in something with my head. I must either be reading or blogging or emailing, if I’m not doing that, I lie in bed and listen to the radio and take a nap.
Another thing to do is chores, although I don’t have that many, because the apartment seems to stay so clean and there’s hardly anything to do. I’m a much neater person now that I don’t spend so much of my time smoking and making a mess with my ashes and tobacco. I’m constantly picking up fuzzy bits and things from the carpet and putting them in the unused ashtray that’s very clean. The desk and table surfaces aren’t getting dirty. I don’t waste half of my life inhaling smoke.
No, keeping my mind occupied is the best thing to do. It also helps if I drink coffee and you would think that the opposite would be true, but I find that it calms my mind and distracts me from wanting to have a cigarette. If I just sip coffee I do fine and feel no need to smoke.
I’ve been to bed, although it’s not late at night yet, but I found it impossible to sleep. I was lying there with a crowded mind, thinking of a hundred things all at once and not being distracted by the radio enough. That’s because it’s Saturday night and sports are on and I’m not interested in sports persé. I don’t care about the football matches and about handball and gymnastics on talk radio without the pictures. I can think of more exciting things to listen to. Surely there are more interesting discussions to be held than these sports reports.
There’s a big difference in radio interviewers too. Some of them are very good and well informed and the discussions are very rewarding and informative. Some of them don’t know what the heck they are talking about and don’t take advantage of the knowledge of the person that sits across from them. It’s very frustrating, because I’m talking back to the radio and saying, ask them this or that, please, that’s what I want to know. A good interviewer does, a bad interviewer makes a mess of it. Sometimes the potentially interesting guest turns out to be very boring and shallow and is a lost cause, but the program needs to be filled with him anyway. Those are hard times.
Anyway, I was lying there thinking about a hundred different things and none of them were really important as they were all silly ‘what if situations’ that I imagined myself getting into and what I would do to get out of them. It was a case of doomsday thinking with one scenario being worse than the other and totally unnecessary to waste my time on.That’s why I got up. It was useless to lie there and do it any longer. I had to stop that train of thought. It’s a kind of obsessive way of thinking that gets a hold of you and you get deeper into it before you know it and start to think it is really pertinent to your life that you solve these problems that don’t exist. I’m glad I’m now realizing that these are exercises in futility before they lead me down the road to madness too much. It’s like seeing a murderer behind every tree and imagining what your tactic will be to deal with him when he decides to strike. Sometimes I have an overdose of imagination.
Tomorrow will be the true day of rest, if today already wasn’t. Today was a rehearsal for tomorrow, let’s put it that way. It will be the most quiet day of the week, although church bells will ring all day long, jubilantly. That’s part of the Sunday pleasure, as long as you ignore the implications behind the ringing of the bells. It’s all so tainted now, but probably has been for a long time. Still Sundays are sacred days and are the most peaceful days of the week and I do appreciate that. It’s alright for the world to fall silent and for there not to be a rush on the stores and downtown, except to stroll through the nearly empty streets from one café to the other. It’s a shame I don’t have a partner anymore to do that with, husbands are good to have around to do those kinds of things with. Husbands do have their merits on occasion. If they are the least bit interesting and loyal.
I’m looking at the night ahead. It’s nearly midnight now and I’ll have to go to bed shortly. There’s no other way about it, I must go to sleep. I’m full of life and not really ready to go to bed, but neither do I have a reason to stay up. I think I’ve read all the blogs there are to read and I’ve commented on them. There’s no other recourse but to call it a night and hope that once I go to bed, I stay in bed and don’t get it in my head to get up again in the middle of the night. I can always read my book now that I’ve put a light bulb into the lamp in the corner of the living room behind my other armchair and I can see what I’m doing. It does make a difference and makes the room so much brighter. That was a fairly simple solution.
Well, I’ll try to see if there is any kind of other mischief I can get into before I crawl under the duvet. Doubtlessly there is something I can find to do for the next twenty minutes or so. I’m only postponing the inevitable.
Have a good night.
Ciao,
Nora
>Rites of passage.
>
It’s officially Saturday, although you can’t really speak of morning yet. It’s still in the middle of the night, but by the time I finish writing this, it will be so close to dawn that it will be almost morning. I’m glad that it’s officially Saturday, because I feel that I can go back to bed at any time and sleep until I’m done sleeping and ready to get up again, although it may not actually take me that long.
Since I’ve quit smoking, I’ve started taking short naps during the day and they help me get through the occasional craving I may have for a cigarette, so I’m never really super tired and I’m done sleeping quickly. I also spend a lot of time reading to take my mind of cigarettes, so I don’t exactly get exhausted from physical activity. Reading is my main activity and it works very well to keep me occupied, but it’s not very tiring.
I think I take naps to relieve my mind of the thoughts of smoking and because it’s a distraction to lie in bed and listen to the radio and doze off for a short time. I just as easily get up again and move to my armchair to continue reading.
I think the period of quitting smoking is a huge time out from regular life and it is a period during which nothing is quite as normal as it usually is. It is a time of coping and waiting. You wait for your body to forget the actual habit of cigarette smoking. I still have the tendency to want to light up a cigarette and I’m waiting for that to dissipate and disappear altogether. I don’t want that to be part of my second nature anymore. I don’t want it to be an automatic reaction to any given situation, innocent as it is, rewarding as it might have been.
I know that in time my body and my mind will forget about this habit and it will not be second nature anymore. I will get used to not subconsciously wanting to reach for a cigarette and my lighter. I can already drink a cup of coffee without associating it with the need to smoke. Which is good, because I need my cups of coffee.
Every once in a while, though, a very strong urge to smoke hits me and I’m ready to go to my neighbor and beg for a cigarette. Pride and a dislike for my neighbor withhold me from doing so. They are nosy enough as it is. Besides, that would be one cigarette and I would still have to do without the rest of the time and it wouldn’t help me one bit. It would just be a very temporary satisfaction.
I finished reading ‘When We Were Orphans’ last night and was very much impressed with it. The ending was especially exciting and very surprising and not at all what I was expecting. It was such a well written book and so very much believable that you started to think it had really happened, but of course it was impossible, but it is the hallmark of a great book and I wonder about the author’s research for it. This is the kind of novel that will stay in my memory for a long time.
I started reading ‘Man Walks Into Room’ by Nicole Krauss. I’ve read this book before, but it was in a muddled past and I have forgotten nearly all of it, so it’s like reading a new book. I’m looking forward very much to finishing it, because I remember enjoying it very much before and being impressed with it and I will read it all day today, unless I get distracted by the television. There are some cultural programs on this morning, so maybe…
My apartment is very clean, as the domestic help was here yesterday and it also seems to stay cleaner since I’ve quit smoking. There’s less dust and no ashes and tobacco and the whole place looks better. I told the domestic help that whatever she cleaned well now would stay clean and there would not be that brown film on everything. She’s been cleaning with ammoniac to get that off everything. She’s a smoker herself and that’s how she cleans at home. The one that comes on Monday also did a good job and that’s the day I quit, so it made a difference from that day onward.
I think I will go back to bed for a little while and listen to the radio and see if I have any sleep left in me. I will find out soon enough if I’m done sleeping and if I should start the day officially now. According to Tyke it’s not time yet, because he’s sound asleep on the sofa. Gandhi is sound asleep in the armchair. It’s still early in the morning and I haven’t heard a sound yet outside. It’s even too early for the paper delivery person.
I hope you all have a good day.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 
