Archive for creative class
>Something not to do…
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I mustn’t get up in the middle of the night when I am actually still sleepy enough to go back to bed after I’ve gone to the toilet and let Tyke out back even though I feel good and it’s tempting to sit behind the computer in that mood and answer emails. If I do stay up, I get tired in the morning and have to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the morning and don’t get a thing done. Then when I finally do get up, I have cobwebs in my head and I need several cups of coffee to get in a functioning mode again. So it’s just a bunch of silliness and I do hope that I remember tonight to go back to bed after I’ve been up for the necessities.
I did shower and wash my hair and get dressed up. I wore a pair of black leggings, a black denim mini skirt, a black tank top with red flowers and my new red cardigan that’s so funky. I also wore my ankle boots and a lot of perfume. I thought I looked nice. Not bad for an old lady anyway. A middle aged croon. I did want to make a good impression, after all. Never let it be said that I under dress.
Full of tranquilizers and courage I rode my bike to my creative class, which turned out to be such an easy thing to do. I very leisurely made my way over there and I was not nervous one bit. I got there right on time and walked straight into the room and introduced myself to the person in charge, who happened to be a very nice man. He asked me what I would like to do and I told him that I wanted to work with clay and that I did have experience with it and I mentioned my other therapy class.
So, a work place was made available to me and I got all the materials I wanted and went to work. This time I’m not copying anything from a picture, but I’m trying to make something up myself and let me tell you, it is tough. I’m really working very hard at it to make it look like something and I change my mind as I go along and reshape it and cut pieces off and add pieces. It will be a lot of hard work to get it to look like anything that I will be satisfied with, but I’ve got all the time in the world and I get to work on it again on Monday. It easier to copy something, though, then to make something up.
I didn’t really get to know anybody in the class. They seemed to be very paired up and palls with each other, but the teacher is a very nice man and so is his volunteer. Nobody took their coffee break at the same time, while I took mine at the official time and I sat outside in the gazebo with some people from other groups, but none of them were very forthcoming. Hopefully that will be different on Monday. I just have to get into the swing of things and not be such a stranger. It’s a shame, though, that I don’t speak dialect, because they all do.
The time went by quickly enough and before I knew it, it was time to clean up. I had to place my sculpture under a damp cloth and in a plastic bag and put it on a shelf. I’ll have to think about it this week and decide what I want to improve about it by looking at the sculptures I have at home and maybe look in the sculpture photograph book on Monday to get some ideas. There are some obvious things I’m doing wrong and I can’t remember how to do them right.
I’m looking forward to Monday afternoon anyway now that I have a taste of it. I’m very excited about continuing my project and making it come out right, no matter how long it takes.
I walked Tyke straight away when I got home. He had been a good boy while I was gone and had not gotten into any trouble. I don’t really know what he does when I’m not home, but he seems to come from my bedroom when I walk into the door. Maybe he just lies on the bed there and waits for me to come back.
After I walked Tyke, I put on my pajamas and my bathrobe and I’ve been very comfortable ever since. It’s nice to be dressed up, but it’s equally nice to be super comfortable in your socks and sleepwear.
Tomorrow the Exfactor is coming over and I’m expecting a package. It’s a long sleeved top that only cost me 2.50 Euros, because I got a coupon and I went to the sales section of the on line store. I saved more than 30 Euros. I love a good deal. I just hope the top is as nice as it looked on the picture. I hope it becomes me. I also have to do the laundry and change the bed and do some ironing. I have one load drying, one load in the machine and one load coming up. How can one person generate so much washing?
The tranquilizers are saving my life. I would not have done nearly as well today without them. I doubt I would have made it to creative class. I would have been a right mess. And a depressed one on top of it. I’m ever so grateful for them.
Have a good night you all.
Ciao,
Nora
>How the magic works…
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I’m very comfortably and contentedly sitting here in the very early hours of the morning having my second cup of freshly made coffee. All is well with the world and that is a very far cry from how I have felt for the last several days or so. I am happy to report that the days of anxiety and depression seem to be behind me now and that I am as relaxed as a newly unfolded leaf on a tree in the springtime and that all my worries and stress have dropped off my shoulders like so many tons of bricks.
I talked to my psychiatrist over the phone yesterday and got his permission to use the tranquilizers during the day as well and this has made so much difference that I feel like a newborn person. Instead of wanting to cower under the duvet in bed, I feel that I can face things again and function like an able bodied person and perform my duties and, because I feel no anxiety, the depression is kept at bay too.
I wasn’t about to let this problem I was having simmer on the back burner endlessly and I realized that I needed to take a proactive role in solving it. I thought the most obvious thing to do would be to get rid of the large amount of anxiety and the only way I knew to do that was with the use of tranquilizers, so when I took my first ones on my own and noticed the difference, I knew I was on the right track. Since then, the anxiety has not returned and I have felt good ever since.
I was able to do some jobs around the house and walk Tyke and sit down and relax and watch some television, which I had not been able to do. I even ate a decent meal, which had gone by the wayside also. I had been eating snack foods or nothing much at all. I had however been drinking copious amounts of milk and juice, so I was not totally deficient of nutrients.
I feel able to face the day now, which involves going to the post office to mail those packages and going to my first creative class. I was dreading going to the post office and I can’t tell you why. It just seemed like an enormous impossible task that I was not capable of. I think I can now do it easily. I’m also not worried about going to the creative class. I will be fine. It’s just a five minute ride on my bike away from here and it’s not a strange place for me. The creative class is in the same space where I had my creative therapy class. The people will be different and the person leading the class will be different, but all the materials will be the same. If I get through this day alright, it will be proof to me that I can do more than I think I’m capable of.
It’s not nearly dawn yet, but I think I will jump in the shower and wash my hair. I can’t do a thing with it. I need to be properly dressed for my day out too. That means picking out something different than what I have been wearing lately. A new day with a new outfit. Hurray!
Have a nice day!
Ciao,
Nora
>Stress-less.
>
I had so much anxiety that I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Everywhere I looked, the black dog prowled around and I don’t mean Tyke by that. I couldn’t find any peace of mind. I finally took two tranquilizers and they have now started to work and I feel a bit calmer. I have also asked for my psychiatrist to call me, because I want to talk to him before I see him on Friday. I must get some help before that time if I’m to survive in one piece.
At the suggestion of someone very smart, I’ve asked the powers who are in charge to move my domestic help to another time and/or day, so that I will be able to go to my creative class on Monday afternoon. I had not even thought of that myself. It’s a good thing that someone else out there was doing the thinking for me.
This morning I paid the bills and got my paperwork in order. I made up the packages to mail, but I didn’t go to the post office. It was beyond me and I’m planning on doing it tomorrow morning. Going somewhere is a real chore. I have to build up a whole strategy around it. I can’t just spontaneously walk out the door. Everything takes a lot of courage that I’m short of.
The smallest things are super complicated and I have to think the process through all the way to the end before I begin them, otherwise they are too intimidating. It can be something as simple as watering the plants. It seems like a very difficult chore and like it is too much responsibility for me. I could kill them by giving them too much or too little water, so I do nothing and put it off. I will get it done this afternoon and write it down in my agenda. I’m going to write down all my little achievements. It will make it look like I am still capable. Like I’m still worth something. It will make my agenda look full too.
I’ve just had a cup of coffee and it has straightened out my head. It’s funny how I always need a cup of coffee to do that for me or I can’t think straight. It makes such a difference. I make six cups in the morning, but I don’t drink them all. I reheat a cup as I need it in the microwave. It’s a little bitter, but it does the job and I take milk in it, so that softens the blow. I could never function without coffee and I don’t know how people manage on tea alone. I would be very miserable on it. I would not do well at all.
The tranquilizers are working properly now and I’m not filled with anxiety anymore. I’m actually feeling relaxed, as far as that is possible. They do take a load of my mind and I should always feel this way. Life would be so much more manageable and easier to take and the black dog has retreated. He’s now lurking in the foothills.
Suddenly things don’t seem so overwhelming anymore and I think I can now water the plants without having a nervous breakdown. I think I can even hang up the laundry and make my bed. It’s even possible that I will be able to read my book again, which I have not been able to do for a couple of days. That would be very nice. I’ve gotten more books in the mail and I now have all the books that I had ordered with the gift certificate that I got from my daughter. I have enough reading material anyway, so it’s a shame when I don’t have the concentration to read. I haven’t even been able to watch television.
Tyke’s having a lie down in the sunshine on the dining table and is watching the children get out of school. It’s one of his favorite pastimes, because he does like children so very much. Every once in a while a dog also walks by on a leash and that really gets his attention, but he never barks, he just looks. I think he likes little dogs the most. They seem to really perk him up. He’s just a friendly little guy and thinks the world is filled with equally friendly creatures.
Well, you’ve been witness to a metamorphosis. I’ve gone from anxious to calm. I think I will have one more cup of coffee and then get on with the chores. I have courage now, so I have to grab the bull by the proverbial horns.
Have a good rest of the day.
Ciao,
Nora
>Back at it again…
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I just got called by someone from the clinic to tell me that I can start my creative class Wednesday afternoon. I could also go on Monday afternoon, but I explained that I have my domestic help here then. I was told to try and make a different arrangement with the person who leads the class. At any rate, they are trying to give me two afternoons, so that’s not bad. I asked for two classes and they are willing to give them to me if there is space.
I am worried about going to the class, because I’m in that kind of a mood again. I feel very insecure and rather depressed. I’m frankly not doing so well and what I want to do more than anything is crawl away in a corner and never come out. That won’t do, though, and I do try to function up to some point. I worry about having to take care of things and not being able to and I find myself postponing what I think is unpleasant and difficult. My courage is lacking.
Needless to say, I’m smoking again. All I was doing anymore is lie in bed and sleep. It was a depressing existence, but I knew no other way to survive. Any time I was up, all I could think about were cigarettes and how much I wanted to smoke. I fled to bed to escape the thoughts of them. I thought I was going to manage that way, but I was wrong.
What I really need is for someone to come and take care of some of the more difficult things now, but I’m afraid that I have to take care of them myself. I’ll give myself today to recuperate, but I hope that tomorrow I have my act together better.
I’m going to lie down now and listen to the radio. It’s the least uncomplicated thing I can think of. It’s safe too.
Ciao,
Nora
>Home on the range…
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I kept my appointment yesterday at the psychiatric clinic for the enrollment in the different classes because I thought it might be very smart if I did considering my options. I met with the woman in charge and she was very nice and went over my application with me quickly and filled an additional questionnaire out with me. There was really no problem and everything went smoothly. I opted for the creative class and the musical class, although there are waiting lists for both, but I expected that and I’m willing to wait a while.
We stopped by one of the creative classes and I saw someone I knew from one of the creative therapy classes I used to go to and it was very nice to see a familiar face and maybe I will see more people I know. Everybody else in the class looked very normal so I may be worried for nothing at all. The whole process of signing up was pretty painless and no big deal at all. I don’t know why I had been so concerned about it. Maybe it was the woman who put me at ease.
After I had done that and taken care of all the formalities, I rode my bike over to my younger sister’s house because my older sister was there. She had arrived by train from the North and my younger sister had picked her up from the station at noontime. I had not seen my older sister in quite some time and it was good to see her and when the three of us were together, it was really funny to see the similarities in character in us. Our voices also sound very similar.
We spent the afternoon out on the patio being sisters and taking care of sister’s business as sisters do. We straightened each other out and agreed and disagreed.
Late in the afternoon, we took my younger sister’s dog to my place and walked the dogs because Tyke had been alone all afternoon. He sure was happy to see me. I think he thought I had abandoned him forever. Afterwards we went for dinner at my younger sister’s house and I even managed to eat some spaghetti which I had not eaten in a long time and it was good.We sat at the table for a long time afterwards and talked. I think my older sister wanted to go paint the town red, but we didn’t. We were good girls and went to bed on time. At least, I went home at a reasonable time and went to bed before midnight.
I’ve had some success at Bookmooch and people have mooched 4 books off me. That means I get to mooch quite a few books myself. I have to get the packages ready today and go to the post office. I’ll do that this afternoon when I have some spare time.
As good as company is, it is also good to be alone and I am happy when I can be on my own in my own apartment in my own space. It’s wonderful to have that time to yourself and to have no one around you. Your own company is the best in the end, that’s what you always come home to. Of course, I share my space with the animals so I’m never truly alone, but I do like my alone time.
I’ve got to get the show on the road. I told my sisters that I’d be there early this morning to have coffee with them. I have to get dressed and walk Tyke and answer emails. I hope I have time to do all that.
Have a good day!
Ciao,
Nora
>Thoughts on the subject.
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Yesterday, when I told my SPN about my reluctance to go to the creative classes at the clinic, she showed some concern. She thought I was being overly confident now and that I thought I could do without the built in support of the system there and enroll in a regular course, but that I had not considered what would happen if my mood changed in the fall when things would become more difficult and I would be harder to motivate and need more encouragement.
It was obvious to her that I would not find this support and encouragement in a regular course where I would be required to attend every session no matter how I was doing at any particular time and that there would be no excuses for not showing up. I would have to attend the classes regularly just like any other person and not have an excuse such as depression dismiss me from my responsibilities. There would be no pep talks over the telephone from concerned individuals who would want to know how I was and who would try to talk me into trying to show up again.
In the creative classes at the clinic, there is at least an awful lot of leeway because they are used to people with “conditions ” who need extra care and who are victim to extenuating circumstances. Although my SPN praised my willingness to be out among “normal” people, she also saw the danger in it, but she does want me enrolled in some sort of a program before the fall starts.
I had planned to cancel my appointment with the woman to enroll me in the creative classes at the clinic, but I have decided to go to it anyway tomorrow and see what she can come up with for me. Maybe there will be a good opening.
In the meantime, I have checked out the courses that are available for me to take instead and found out that they are very expensive. The ones that I was interested in taking cost several hundred euros each for 26 weeks and are only given at night. Of course, I can’t afford these and would not want to go at night. There’s no subsidy for them and the tuition is calculated on your age and postal code, which is very specific.
I think some things are meant to be and some things are not and there is such a thing as fate. So, that is what I will believe in then.
In the meantime I’m sitting here with a glass of milk, freezing my buns off. I washed my bathrobe and I think it isn’t dry yet. I better go check on it… no, it’s still wet. I will go to bed shortly and get under the warm duvet. I am yawning something awful.
Goodnight, dear people. Sleep tight.
Ciao,
Nora
>Catching up…
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Instead of writing blog posts, I’ve been busy with Bookmooch which I rejoined some time in the middle of the night yesterday. I’ve entered a short list of books that I’m giving away and I’ve entered a large list of books that I’m looking for. I’ve already had one person mooch a book from me and I’m in the process of mooching two books. I think it will become the same addictive activity it was before, with the difference that my list of books to give away will stay short so that I’m not going to spend a small fortune on sending books all over the world all at once. I will add new ones to it as I send books off, that way I keep things under control a bit. I hope that’s how it will work out anyway. I know which mistakes I made before and I’ll try not to make them again.
I’m now about to drink my second cup of coffee. It’s not so very early in the morning for a change. I did sleep till a halfway decent time. I finished “The Drowning Season” by Alice Hoffman last night and I must say that it turned out to be a better book than I thought it was when I was about halfway through it. I started to lose interest in it, because I stopped being caught by it. I thought she was rambling and losing hold of the story, but I kept hanging in there and the ending was superb. I read it in one fell swoop. I’ve now started reading “Local Girls” which is also a novel by her and am enjoying it so far. It’s written with a far different voice and in a totally different tempo, as if this is her true style. I do know one thing, though. I have to reserve judgment on a book until I’ve completely finished it. It can be full of surprises and you don’t know the total effect of it on you until the end.
I’ve ordered two thrillers by Kathy Reichs. “Bones to Ashes” and “Deja Dead.” Because the main character in them is a forensic anthropologist, I’m very fond of these books. I love the science in them and I figured out what happened to one of the murder victim’s bodies before it was disclosed. I thought that was pretty savvy of me. No doubt I’ve watched a lot of thrillers on TV with that kind of science in them. The public gets smart.
I’m mooching two thrillers by Elizabeth George. One mooch has been accepted. I’m waiting to hear about the other one.
My reluctance to go to the creative classes has to do with the fact that they are at the psychiatric clinic and that all the people in the classes will have a psychiatric disorder. I think it is time that I get away from all of that. It is time for me to surround myself with ‘ordinary’ people. I don’t always want to have to deal with people who have an extensive instruction booklet. They are easy people to get to know in that setting, but they are hard people to make friendships with because of their peculiarities and do I really want to? I would like to surround myself with people who have ordinary problems that aren’t overwhelming and weird. I’m no longer identifying with psychiatric patients and don’t want all my conversations to be about those sorts of problems.
I haven’t figured out what the alternative is going to be. I wish there was a halfway solution that didn’t immediately throw me in the deep end, but that is where I may have to go. I have to look into the regular circuit and see what’s available. I know I don’t want to go through life as a sick individual and identify with sick people. I don’t want them to be my role models.
It’s only going to be 17C today and we’re expecting a lot of rain. I have to walk Tyke while it’s still dry, although the sky looks threatening now. There’s a cold wind blowing as well and I will definitely have to wear a jacket and a warm scarf. Tyke is snoring on the coffee table and oblivious of everything. Gandhi is asleep on the sofa and equally oblivious, but she doesn’t have to go out.
First I have to make cigarettes. I do have my priorities straight.
Have a terrific Sunday.
Ciao,
Nora
>Eternally yours…
>
It’s early in the morning and I could be mistakingly up already, but I think I’m awake now. I’m having my cup of coffee and it has cleared whatever cobwebs I had in my mind, although there weren’t that many there. I would make a good intercontinental traveler because I can be amazingly clearheaded after 4 or 5 hours of sleep. It’s just the long plane flights that would do me in. They are cramped and boring. I would have to travel business class all the way.
I think I will jump in the shower shortly and get the day started properly. I want to wash my hair which has too much hairspray in it and won’t do what I want it to. I also want to change my bed and run a load of laundry. I wanted to do that last night, but I was too tired to bother. I’m also very wrapped up in my book in which all sorts of interesting events are taking place and is hard to put down, so there is a great desire to just lie down in bed and read. I have more novels by Alice Hoffman and will read those next.
The Exfactor is supposed to come by today and I will dress accordingly, as if an important visitor is coming. No really, I dress that way every day, even is no one at all is coming by. It’s just a habit I have gotten into and that, right now, is hard to break. It’s only when I get in trouble emotionally that I want to stay in my bathrobe, like I did yesterday when I realized that I didn’t want to start those creative classes. I’m searching for a solution to that problem.
Have a nice day.
Ciao,
Nora
>How to get through a minimalistic day.
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I didn’t go to either appointment I had today. I didn’t show up for one and canceled the other. I had excuses, but I think I was just trying to get out of them. I was asleep for one and it was raining for the other, but in reality I was glad that I didn’t have to go. I’m not in the mood for human contact and only want to walk the dog and hang out on the sofa to watch the news and other drivel. I hardly want to walk the dog, but I have to. I feel like hibernating and hanging out in my bathrobe.
Nevertheless, I got dressed and fixed up. And I smell good. My Chloe Eau de Toilette got here yesterday.
I don’t know why I’m in the mood I’m in except that I seem to not want to make any commitments. I’m trying to get out of things. I want to only stay home and have to do the laundry and the dishes. I don’t want anyone to have any requirements of me. I’m scared to death that I will be expected to do something that I will not be able to live up to. More than anything I want my freedom and my very safe life.
I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and milk and juice. I hang out on the sofa. I watch Tyke and Gandhi play together. I sit and think and I basically feel like I’m escaping some terrible fate. I’m delaying a terrible outcome. I’m going to have to make a commitment to creative classes and I don’t want to really do it at all. It’s the last thing in the world I want to do. You may as well ask me to make a trip across the North Pole. It would be more adventurous and less confrontational. I feel so much resistance that I think I’m going to give up on the idea all together and bow out as gracefully as I can.
I’ve gone through a headache and a stomachache since I wrote that and now I’m still anxious 45 minutes later. At least I know my complaints are psychosomatic. I didn’t know that in the past and thought I was always getting sick. I’m cured very easily now because it’s all nerves and as soon as I realize that things get better.
I’m not a very brave woman and choose the known over the unknown, even if it is less interesting and especially if it is less challenging.
I’m going to hang out on the sofa and pet Tyke.
Ciao,
Nora
>Clueless in the Netherlands…
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Just when I assert that I sleep so well during the night and that I don’t feel the need to get up and sit behind the computer in the middle of the night, I do and I have no clue as to why that happens. I do know that when I woke up, I was wide awake and had no sleepy bone left in my body. I had no wish to go back to bed once I had let Tyke out back for a piddle. I simply had no desire to sleep anymore.
It’s kind of a shame, because I was just starting to develop a good sleeping habit that seemed to agree with me well. I was up all day without a nap and asleep soundly at night until a decent enough time in the morning. It was all of very short duration, but it showed promise of a regular life.
At least there’s one thing I can count on and that is that my day and night rhythm never stays the same for a large period of time, but is always in fluctuation. I suppose that is the nature of the beast and I will have to be flexible and adapt. There’s no need to get in an uproar about it, but just go along with the program as much as I can and sleep when my body and mind dictate it. If I fight it and get upset about it I will just turn it into a problem which it doesn’t have to be.
I probably didn’t have enough things to do yesterday for the amount of energy I had. I did try to fill up my time with useful things, but ran out of chores to do and the interest to do them. I even went around the apartment and looked for clothing and other items to make up a load of laundry that I could do and when I had that together, also stripped my bed so I would have another load to do.
In the morning I went to the drugstore and bought a very good shampoo for light blond hair and some hairspray and dog treats and two candy bars. I also stopped by the tobacco shop for the pack of tobacco that I had already paid for and that they still owed me. Those were my outings for the day, besides walking the dog. I tried to think of other reasons to go out, but they all cost money and I didn’t want to waste it.
One of the first things I did was wash my hair with the new shampoo and it gave my hair a nice sheen. It brightened it up a lot and I’m glad I got it. There’s no need to color your hair when you have a shampoo like that that enlivens it. Of course, your hair has to be the right color to start with, otherwise it doesn’t work.
Tyke was happy with his treats. He figured I had brought something home for him and practically dove into the shopping bag when I carried it in. He was so excited, but then I usually do have something for him when I came home with a bag of shopping. He’s not the least bit spoiled and even Gandhi thinks there’s always something for her there. I had to disappoint her, though, and gave her fresh kibbles and milk instead.
I opened up my mail and was pleased to see that I have an appointment for an intake for the creative classes on Wednesday, so that was arranged rather quickly. I thought I would have had to wait longer than that. There’s movement in the right direction. All I have to do is keep my resolve and not chicken out.
I puttered around the apartment doing odd jobs. They all added up to something. Tyke had destroyed the book I was reading and little pieces of it were lying all over the bedroom floor. What is that I said about him no longer being a puppy? It was a fun job cleaning it up and I will be unable to finish the book as portions of it are missing.
I try not to be devastated about this and picked out another thriller to read last night. Kathy Reichs’ Devil Bones. It’s going to be a good book, that much I know already. The main character of the book is a forensic anthropologist and that very much interests me. She’s also a 55 year old woman. That’s even better. A role model for me.
I applied my open and approachable policy yesterday when I was at the store. I tried to remember not to have any walls up when I talked to people and was friendly to the cashier. I smiled and made small talk. It doesn’t come easy, but I try it anyway.What you get in return is friendliness. I have to practice this a lot until it becomes second nature. I have to walk around in public with a different attitude. I was the same way at the tobacco shop, but it was easier because I come there a lot. Still, there’s room for improvement.
I realized I have a defensive attitude when I go out there. I shut myself up and I’m not as friendly as I can be. I create a distance between myself and other people. I’m not engaged. I have to stop that and become involved and acknowledge their presence better in their interactions with me. I’m not a gray shadow who can just come in under the radar without making a ripple. I am a presence too and I have to let myself be known and show my true colors.
Well, I have my work cut out from me. In the meantime I practice living in gray areas with little highs and lows. I have no wish to bounce from one extreme to the other and don’t let any sort of high or low set the tone for the rest of the day. Everything is temporary and for the moment to which it applies. A mood in the morning doesn’t determine the rest of the day. I’m not held hostage by it and none of the moods need to get out of hand.
I’m going to do the dishes in a moment and clean up the kitchen. I think I will then go back to bed for a while and sleep some more. First I will have some breakfast and watch the news on TV. I will tell you about the horrible government we are going to have the next time.
Have a good day.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 