Archive for daydreaming
April 8, 2011 at 11:42 pm · Filed under analyses, armchair, bedtime, cynicism, daydreaming, feminism, ideals, politics, rituals, Saturday, sleep, the dog
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I had gone to bed early and had been asleep a few hours when the dog woke me by very gently and quietly barking by the side of my bed. It was almost as if he was afraid to wake me up but had to do it anyway. It turned out that he had to go out back to do a piddle and when he was done, he wanted a milk bone as a reward. He got one of those because he had not had one that day.
I got back in bed, but the dog decided to be cozy and got on the bed also and sat on my head. I moved him off, but he stuck as close as he could, making it hard to breathe. He wanted to be cuddled, but I was not exactly in the mood for that. I tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep with that animal breathing down my neck and his fur tickling my face. I finally gave in and got up and now he’s sound asleep in the armchair, as innocent as the puppy he still is in many ways.
I wonder if he wanted me to get up because he’s so used to it. I’m supposed to guard over him while he soundly sleeps in the armchair and the cat sleeps on the sofa. It is sort of a ritual that we have developed. I may have taught him bad habits. The whole time that I’m up, he does nothing but sleep deeply and snore and I’m his guardian angel. I suppose he likes being in the living room better than the bedroom. There are better places to sleep.
This was a short course in how to analyze your dog’s behavior. He’s now lying down by my feet and I can’t move for fear of stepping on him. I’ll have to wait for him to move again before I make any other radical plans tonight.
Of course, I don’t have any radical plans for tonight. I never do because I’m an obedient citizen and I never do anything wild and out of the ordinary. Besides, so much is legal here that I would really have to do something crazy to be really radical. I’ll most likely have a very quiet night sitting here having only adventures in my head and daydreaming about what I would do if I were completely at liberty and obviously, I don’t hang out with the right people. You do have to move in the right crowd, one that is equally minded.
Sometimes cynicism seems to get the upper hand and I don’t know if I have any ideals left. I think I may have a shortage of them, but it’s not good for a person to only be a cynic. You can’t dismiss any kind of political and social movement because it tries to unify an idea and I’m not talking about populism, which is a very bad idea and a bandwagon I won’t get on.
I hoped that there would be a bigger rise from the ranks of the female population in all levels of politics and industry and that this influence would change the course of decision making, but I don’t see it happening. That’s still an ideology I want to believe in, but I’m not necessarily happy with the quality of women that are rising to the top. They only want to seem to prove the point that they are as tough as men are. Truly incompetent men, at least politically here in the Netherlands. I’m tired of men in gray suits with solid ties and their token female equivalents.
Enough of that seriousness. It’s too heavy a subject so late in the night. It needs more frivolity than that.
I’m awfully short of frivolity, though, so I better stop writing. I’m getting a bit tired so it may be necessary to go to bed. I always say that and never do until the wee hours. I always feel compelled to stay up longer and get into more trouble. Tomorrow is Saturday, so it doesn’t matter what time I get up.
Have a good night.
Ciao,
Nora
February 16, 2011 at 3:59 pm · Filed under books, chores, clothes, daydreaming, domestic help, Gandhi, hobbies, house plants, imagination, journey, leather jacket, medicines, nap, sofa, time, Tyke, weather
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The day is passing by very slowly for some reason. It seems the hands on the clock don’t move at the speed that they normally do. Every other day goes rushing by in no time at all, but not today. It is crawling by at a snail’s pace and I have to use my imagination to fill up the hours. I’ve already taken a nap to fill up one hour. Of course, that didn’t take much imagination at all.
I wasn’t very tired, so the nap didn’t last very long. I also had to share the sofa with Gandhi and Tyke, so I wasn’t very comfortable. Then the delivery person came with the package I ordered from the on line store and, of course, I had to try on what was in it right away. It fit and that meant I had to put some clothes away in the closet and that was the complete end to my nap. I had no hopes of going back to sleep.
I folded and put away the dry laundry and made the bed and cleaned up the always messy kitchen. Gandhi’s paw prints are always all over the counter, no matter how often I wipe it. It’s the place where she hangs out, because it’s out of reach of Tyke. There’s no way he can get to her there. His legs are too little.
I was ruthless the other day and threw out all my dying plants. There was no sense in hanging on to them. There was no hope that they were going to make it back to health. The domestic help cleaned all the pots and arranged them nicely throughout the living room and told me where I could get fake plants for a good price. All I have to do now is go there.
I have two little pots and four large ones to buy plants for. All the pots are lime green. I had bought them at different times without realizing that it was my preferred color. I wasn’t paying attention to such things then. I would be much more alert to them now that I’m not in a medicinal stupor anymore. A lot went past me when I was.
The book I started reading is lying unread in a cubbyhole of the bookcase. I can’t get myself to sit down and pay attention to it. I have a blockage in my head. My eyes see a book and glaze over. Areas in my brain shut down and refuse to pick up the book to read it. Suddenly that seems like an awfully complicated task to do. Maybe I see the activity as too passive, but then again, I do sit in my armchair and daydream. I haven’t quite got my mind around it yet.
Sometimes I think I have a fear of books, just like I seem to have a repulsion for creative activity. I probably associate it with another time when I was not at all doing well. Maybe I link it to me when I was another person and much more insecure and needy. I need to establish the habits and hobbies of the new me. I need to give shape to myself the way I am now or the way I am shortly going to be. I’m almost the end product of the three year long journey.
It’s been a beautiful day today. The sun has been shining all day and it has been relatively warm outside. I’ve worn my black leather jacket, which is my springtime jacket. My other leather jacket is too big on me. I’ve walked Tyke a couple of times and it was very pleasant, although Tyke acted like a lamb set free from the barn and was all over the place. He pulled me along at amazing speeds.
I must find something useful to do. I have to fill one hour until the news comes on.
I hope you’ll all have a good rest of the day.
Ciao,
Nora
January 12, 2011 at 5:30 am · Filed under bedtime, blogs, bookcase, books, clothes, coffee, daydreaming, early morning, laundry, medication, personal helper, the animals, thoughts
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I am sat here with my usual cup of coffee and I find myself quite contend. I feel that there’s not much that can go wrong now this early in the morning before the day has properly started. I’m still yawning a little bit, but another cup of coffee will take care of that. It’s nice to be up and sit here and enjoy the early hours of the day. All is quiet around me and the animals are asleep.
I feel like minor royalty in her realm, as if I’m the head of a very small state in which only I rule. All my subjects are sound asleep and all is well with the state of affairs. Oh no, I don’t have visions of grandeur. Only the need to have peace and quiet in my life. What better way to achieve that than to be in charge. It’s only a very small kingdom I rule.
My Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I must take a shower before she gets here. It will be nice to get that out of the way and to be clean and refreshed. I will have to put on some clean clothes and I will have to magically make an outfit appear out of the closet. No doubt I am capable of that. I always manage to come up with something.
In about an hour and a half I will take my medicines. I’ve cut my anti-psychotics down by half and starting this Friday, I will have cut down my anti-depressives by a third. My psychiatrist thinks this is doable. We’re going to keep me at these doses for a while and see how I do on them before we make any more changes. We’re going to cut down the anti-depressives more before we do anything else with the anti-psychotics. I feel good so far and I have a lot more energy. I’m not so sleepy and lethargic during the day.
Since today is Wednesday, I don’t have an awful lot to do. It will be a fairly quiet day, but those are welcome too. It turned out that I did have a load of laundry to do, as I pulled some clothes out of my closet that needed washing. I’m going to change the sheets on my bed and that will make going to bed tonight an extra pleasure, although it always is. That’s one thing I look forward to every night. Going to bed and listening to the radio while I fall asleep.
Maybe today I will get a chance to sit down and read my book, something that I’ve found impossible to do lately. I’ve felt that I’ve been too distracted to give it the proper attention. Since I’ve stopped reading in bed at night, I’ve found it hard to sit down in my armchair during the day and do it. Something is always pulling my attention away from it, if not my own thoughts that meander all over the place, but nowhere important. It’s a very good book filled with interesting details and really requires me to sit down and give it my full attention, which is something I can’t seem to do now, but I’m going to give it a try today.
My bookcase is filled with good books that I still need to read if I ever get around to them. I end up sitting in my chair and daydreaming about nothing in particular at all. None of my thoughts are very deep and heavy and I’m not solving any of the world’s problems. I just let my mind wander and touch down here and there like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. It’s the most uncomplicated way to spend time. I’m glad I’m relieved of thinking depressing thoughts that weigh down heavily on my shoulders. That’s all behind me now. I’ve passed that stage.
Well, I’m going to read some blogs until it’s time to make my move. The day is young yet. The sun won’t be up for awhile. I’m switching to cold milk. I’ve had enough coffee. I’m very thirsty and it will be most welcome.
Have a nice day!
Ciao,
Nora
December 3, 2010 at 5:54 pm · Filed under boots, coffee, daydreaming, fixations, illness, late afternoon, playing with Tyke, rain, snow, toys, winter coat
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I’m sitting here in the late afternoon with my second cup of coffee. I am enjoying it very much. It is hot and tasty and freshly made. While I am writing this. I also have to throw the rubber ball with the bell in it for Tyke, so I’m doing double duty. It was stuck beneath the sofa, so I had to get it out from underneath first with the help of the African walking stick. It is his favorite ball now and he completely ignores his tennis balls.
Today we got a pulling rope with a latex tennis ball attached to it in the mail. You can all guess what happened to the tennis ball in the shortest amount of time, right? He was tearing that apart within no time. I had to cut the rest of it off before he swallowed all of it. Luckily, we still have the pulling rope and it seems to be pretty sturdy. I think it will last a while. Fingers crossed.
I may or may not be coming down with something. I have just a bit of a sore throat and a cough and a headache and I was especially tired today and spent a lot of it sleeping. As a matter of fact, I’m still in my bathrobe and pajamas and have no desire to get dressed. I have sore muscles and I’m tired. I have been around a lot of people who were or are sick, so it wouldn’t surprise me if I picked something up. I rarely get ill, though, and I bet I’ll be over this in no time. I’m a pretty sturdy woman. I’ll take some aspirin and be as good as new in the shortest amount of time.
It snowed a little bit this morning, but we’re not expecting any more now. Tomorrow it’s going to rain and on Sunday as well. Things will turn into a nice slush and be drabby. After we had all that snow yesterday that coated all the ice, I’m almost sorry to see it go, but it will be nice to have clean streets and sidewalks for as long as it lasts. Who knows what the winter will bring us? I hope this was it for now, but I’m afraid to be hopeful. I remember last year very well with the seemingly endless cold and snow.
I was playing ball with Tyke, but he just rediscovered his pulling rope, so he’s forgotten all about me and the ball. That means I can sit and concentrate on what I’m doing. I don’t know if it will make any difference as to the quality of my writing. I think the distraction may have been good for me. At least it prevented me from daydreaming. I must not fall into reveries now…
Well, he let me play tug of war with him very reluctantly. It’s his rope and I better remember that.
These are the boots I ordered with the profiled soles. They are from Scapino, but they look like Ugg boots and they are lined also. I expect them to be pretty comfortable. I hope they withstand the test on the ice, that’s the most important thing, but if they are warm also, then that would be good too. I don’t have any warm boots. I can already see myself walking in these like a Laplander, ready to go get my reindeer. I wish my sheepskin coat matched them in color, but I have no such luck, drats. Now I must save up my money to buy such a coat.
That puts me on a whole new train of thought. Those of winter coats and how to get the best one and when to buy one. I must put some thought into this. Mmm…
I do get ideas into my head that get stuck there and that are hard to get rid of once they do. I do fixate on things. I will be looking for the coat I want everywhere now. As if I can afford it, right? I would probably have to steal it and I’m too honest for that. I couldn’t get away with it. Darn.
Have a good evening!
Ciao,
Nora
September 18, 2010 at 10:06 pm · Filed under activities, bedtime, chores, cigarettes, coffee, daydreaming, distraction, forgetfulness, husbands, mischief, nighttime, obsession, radio, reading, Sunday
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There are whole periods of time when I forget about cigarettes and I don’t think about them at all. When I’m so preoccupied that the fact that I used to smoke does not even register on my memory. It’s very pleasant when it doesn’t and kind of bothersome when I do remember it, although I think that I can easily forget cigarettes again if I can keep them off my mind for such a long time. I push the thought of them back into oblivion and concentrate on something else. Every time I do that successfully and manage to distract myself, I figure that I have the winning hand and that I will get better at not smoking with every day that passes, although right now I’m happy with every hour of the day that I pass without smoking.
I divide my day up in sections and each section knows its difficult time that I have to get through and somehow I find a way to cope with it. I find that keeping my mind occupied is a very good way to deal with the desire to smoke, because one of the reasons I want to smoke is because I get bored and sit and stare at the walls. That’s a definite thing not to do and I must always make sure that I’m actively engaged in something with my head. I must either be reading or blogging or emailing, if I’m not doing that, I lie in bed and listen to the radio and take a nap.
Another thing to do is chores, although I don’t have that many, because the apartment seems to stay so clean and there’s hardly anything to do. I’m a much neater person now that I don’t spend so much of my time smoking and making a mess with my ashes and tobacco. I’m constantly picking up fuzzy bits and things from the carpet and putting them in the unused ashtray that’s very clean. The desk and table surfaces aren’t getting dirty. I don’t waste half of my life inhaling smoke.
No, keeping my mind occupied is the best thing to do. It also helps if I drink coffee and you would think that the opposite would be true, but I find that it calms my mind and distracts me from wanting to have a cigarette. If I just sip coffee I do fine and feel no need to smoke.
I’ve been to bed, although it’s not late at night yet, but I found it impossible to sleep. I was lying there with a crowded mind, thinking of a hundred things all at once and not being distracted by the radio enough. That’s because it’s Saturday night and sports are on and I’m not interested in sports persé. I don’t care about the football matches and about handball and gymnastics on talk radio without the pictures. I can think of more exciting things to listen to. Surely there are more interesting discussions to be held than these sports reports.
There’s a big difference in radio interviewers too. Some of them are very good and well informed and the discussions are very rewarding and informative. Some of them don’t know what the heck they are talking about and don’t take advantage of the knowledge of the person that sits across from them. It’s very frustrating, because I’m talking back to the radio and saying, ask them this or that, please, that’s what I want to know. A good interviewer does, a bad interviewer makes a mess of it. Sometimes the potentially interesting guest turns out to be very boring and shallow and is a lost cause, but the program needs to be filled with him anyway. Those are hard times.
Anyway, I was lying there thinking about a hundred different things and none of them were really important as they were all silly ‘what if situations’ that I imagined myself getting into and what I would do to get out of them. It was a case of doomsday thinking with one scenario being worse than the other and totally unnecessary to waste my time on.That’s why I got up. It was useless to lie there and do it any longer. I had to stop that train of thought. It’s a kind of obsessive way of thinking that gets a hold of you and you get deeper into it before you know it and start to think it is really pertinent to your life that you solve these problems that don’t exist. I’m glad I’m now realizing that these are exercises in futility before they lead me down the road to madness too much. It’s like seeing a murderer behind every tree and imagining what your tactic will be to deal with him when he decides to strike. Sometimes I have an overdose of imagination.
Tomorrow will be the true day of rest, if today already wasn’t. Today was a rehearsal for tomorrow, let’s put it that way. It will be the most quiet day of the week, although church bells will ring all day long, jubilantly. That’s part of the Sunday pleasure, as long as you ignore the implications behind the ringing of the bells. It’s all so tainted now, but probably has been for a long time. Still Sundays are sacred days and are the most peaceful days of the week and I do appreciate that. It’s alright for the world to fall silent and for there not to be a rush on the stores and downtown, except to stroll through the nearly empty streets from one café to the other. It’s a shame I don’t have a partner anymore to do that with, husbands are good to have around to do those kinds of things with. Husbands do have their merits on occasion. If they are the least bit interesting and loyal.
I’m looking at the night ahead. It’s nearly midnight now and I’ll have to go to bed shortly. There’s no other way about it, I must go to sleep. I’m full of life and not really ready to go to bed, but neither do I have a reason to stay up. I think I’ve read all the blogs there are to read and I’ve commented on them. There’s no other recourse but to call it a night and hope that once I go to bed, I stay in bed and don’t get it in my head to get up again in the middle of the night. I can always read my book now that I’ve put a light bulb into the lamp in the corner of the living room behind my other armchair and I can see what I’m doing. It does make a difference and makes the room so much brighter. That was a fairly simple solution.
Well, I’ll try to see if there is any kind of other mischief I can get into before I crawl under the duvet. Doubtlessly there is something I can find to do for the next twenty minutes or so. I’m only postponing the inevitable.
Have a good night.
Ciao,
Nora
March 17, 2010 at 11:21 pm · Filed under activities, Babaloo, challenge, chores, coffee, computer, cowboy boots, daydreaming, emails, excuses, finances, Gandhi, leather jacket, self image, sleep, stress, tax offices, Tyke, weather, Windows
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Although I’m sitting here with tears running down my face from all the yawning that I’m doing, I don’t want the evening to end yet, because it is quite early still, so I have made myself a cup of coffee and I’m drinking that to keep myself going for a little while longer, although it’s possible that it’s not going to work at all and that I will be forced to go to bed anyway.
In the meantime I’m helping Gandhi escape from the enthusiasm of Tyke and getting her to jump on the dining table, where I had put a folded up blanket, which Tyke has pulled off and is now in the process of “killing.” It is Jesker’s old blanket, but I have a better one for Gandhi to lie on and we will get the better of Tyke yet. I do have to pick sides and Gandhi needs more help. Tyke is quite capable of looking after himself.
I was rudely interrupted while writing this by many emails that needed answering, and as usual I took my time doing that, so now it’s much later and I’ve gotten my second wind. I’m suddenly awake again and ready for an intellectual challenge. I don’t know if that includes writing this post, but I guess I can make it as challenging for myself as I want. Notwithstanding the fact that I’m typing this without the spell check and I can’t use any really difficult words, because I would have to look them up in the dictionary and that would stop the natural flow of words.
I do try to write as quickly as the sentences enter my head and sometimes I’m on a roll, although I do have periods of non-activity when nothing comes and I’m distracted. I’ve been that way my whole life and it caused me some trouble in primary school when I was distracted a lot, in other words, I day dreamed and I still have the tendency to do that now. I call it constructive day dreaming, because I think of things that matter and come up with solutions to odd little problems I’m faced with. It seems that being occupied in one activity stimulates my brain to be active in other areas as well. I suppose I am a multiple use appliance, handy to have around the house.
I did my taxes this afternoon on line and it turned out to be quite painless, because part of the information was already filled in and what I had to fill in was very simple and each question that I had to answer came with an explanation so I would understand the question and if it applied to me. Luckily, my financial situation is very simple and clear cut. There were no complications. It’s probably the easiest tax form that I ever filled out, because I was unmarried for all of last year. I’m going to remember how simple this was, so I won’t procrastinate next year.
I had Iron Nora do the taxes, she’s much more capable than I am and not the least bit intimidated. That woman is handy to have around and my blogging friend Babaloo reminded me to pull her out of the closet for jobs like this that are tougher than the ordinary daily tasks that I’m normally faced with, but I think I can pull her out of the closet whenever I get timid. I’m regularly intimidated by something and I can use a tough woman at moments like that. Especially now that I’m wearing cowboy boots that strengthen my image a great deal.
I have been wearing my brown leather jacket for warmth, but the weather is getting better now and I think I can start wearing my black leather jacket with the zippers and the buttons, which is very cool. It was the first leather jacket I bought and I felt like quite a hip chick when I wore it out of the store. I can wear my green scarf with it, which is an upgrade from the blue and black scarf I’ve been wearing with my brown leather jacket and that used to belong to my mother, so it is very old and it also needs to go into the laundry. The black leather jacket is best worn open, but it’s not quite warm enough for that yet, although tomorrow it’s going to be an incredible 17 degrees Celsius. That’s practically balmy and real spring weather. I can hardly believe my eyes reading that forecast. I’ll wear my jacket open with my green scarf around my neck.
I had three chores to do today and I did them all, except that I didn’t quite finish the last one and then, as it got later in the day, I excused myself from that one and will add it to the chores I will have to do tomorrow. I will have to do three of them tomorrow and maybe four if I’m really gutsy and honest. I don’t write them down, as I know exactly what they are and I don’t forget them. They are lasered into my brain. Three chores aren’t that many to remember. Carrying them out is, because I reach a certain time of the day when I excuse myself from doing work and I only get to play, as if I have a regular paid job.
Actually, my excuse is that I try to keep the stress out of my life, but I think I should test that theory and see if it still applies. If I start doing more than three chores, I will have to start making lists or make the stuff up as I go along. There are always things to do here. I will have must do and can do chores and do the must do chores first. I will have to forego some time on the computer, because it distracts me hugely and is always beckoning me to turn it on.
I reinstalled Windows Vista the other day, because it was acting funny, and as a result I got more space on my hard disk and it also kept all the things I had installed and downloaded myself, even though it said it would put those things separately on the hard disk. I did a complete reinstallment, not an upgrade. I thought it was wonderful and apparently it got rid of some unnecessary junk. Windows Vista is okay, but very often it is murmuring to itself, doing unknown things on line that aren’t apparent and it has many updates. I don’t know why such a big deal was made out of it. The email program is good, but it should be. Would you expect anything less?
It’s late now and I should go to bed, but I’m enjoying myself here. I’ll run out of things to do, though, and be forced to close shop. I’ll go put the clean sheets on the bed. That was the part of the third job that I had not finished. I want to sleep in a clean, good smelling bed tonight. That will be a treat to me.
Goodnight, dear all. I’ll see you all tomorrow, very late in the morning.
Ciao,
Nora
October 21, 2009 at 4:58 am · Filed under cats, clothes, daydreaming, early morning, Gandhi, Jesker, sleep, Toby, wood shop
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I think I did so much sleeping yesterday, that I’m all caught up and that finds me up at this early hour, having had to go to the bathroom and then realizing that I was all done sleeping for the night. Needless to say, all the animals came into action with me. The cats, who were so very cozily sleeping on my bed with me, and Jesker, who was asleep on his pillow beside me. Jesker wanted a bit of airing out back and a bone as a reward for that, and has now gone back to sleep on his blanket under the coffee table. The cats wanted fresh milk from the refrigerator and are now both sitting in the kitchen hoping something interesting will happen.
I’ve been giving Jesker dried food as his second meal, because he was gaining weight on all the canned stuff, and Toby decided that it was for him and started munching away at it every day. Yesterday there was a stand off between Jesker and Toby, with each one defending his right to the bowl and neither one of them willing to give an inch, Both of them had their nose over the bowl and Jesker was growling ferociously, but Toby didn’t move and hit Jesker across the nose with his paw. Jesker didn’t move either and kept growling, so I ran interference and removed Toby from the bowl, so Jesker could eat, which he did as quickly as he could with Toby watching from a little distance. As soon as Jesker had his fill, Toby was back at the bowl getting his last share of it. That Toby has guts and is not the least bit intimidated by Jesker’s dangerous sounding growling.
You see how Gandhi plays no role in this whatsoever. She doesn’t get mixed up in shenanigans like this. Gandhi knows her place in the hierarchy and would never let it get to a showdown with Jesker. That’s why he likes her so much better and tolerates her so well.
I’ve just made my second cup of coffee and some new cigarettes. It’s very quiet here and all I hear is the sound of the computer and Jesker’s gentle snore. I’ve read that Cocker Spaniels on the average get to be about twelve years old and that’s how old Jesker is now. He was twelve in May. I hope he beats the odds and gets much older. He’s overweight and has osteoarthritis. He’s almost deaf and doesn’t see well with one eye. I’ll have to do something about the weight. If I can get him to eat more dried food, it will be better for him. He didn’t like to eat it, but that turned out to be because of an infected tooth. Now that it’s been fixed, he seems to like the dried food better. I’m also going to cut his treats by halves, I think he’s getting too many of them. Let’s face it, I spoil that dog and maybe to the detriment of his health. I have to seriously look into his food and nutrition and pay more attention to what is good for him and not to what he wants, regardless of his appetite.
In the meantime, I’m taking forever to write this, as I keep being distracted by my own thoughts and I realize how often that happens. I write something down and this starts a train of thought going in my head and before you know it, I’m lost in a reverie and far away from here, which is the same thing that happened to me when I was a kid in school and forgot to pay attention. It doesn’t matter that it happens now, because I’ve got all the time in the world, but it was a problem back then. There was always some remark about it on my report card, as if my parents could do anything about it. (Does not pay attention!) I was too busy daydreaming.
Now my mind wanders left and right, back and forth. I hop from one subject to the next and somehow they are all connected. It’s amazing how much of your life takes place in your own head with unspoken thoughts and words that you don’t share with anyone.
Well, another thought that crosses my mind is, that when I do woodworking, I have to wear practical clothes. I can’t be all prettied up in a mini skirt and a scarf around my neck. I’ll have to wear jeans and a practical shirt, so I have to delve in my closet and find woodworking clothes. I hope I have a pair of jeans that fit me and that don’t fall off when I stand up straight, like the last pair did that I wore. It will be fun to try to find them. It will give me a chance to eliminate some clothes from my closet. Oh yes, I do have belts if it comes down to that, but they are such a hassle it you suddenly have to go to the toilet, as happens so often in my case. The incredible suddenness of having to go to the toilet! Near misses! The brain is not registering the upcoming event ahead of time.
Well, as they say, all madness on a stick, but now I have to end this epistle, because Jesker needs my attention. He wants to be petted and I can’t type with one hand. I’ll see if he wants to eat as well. Oh, how appropriate.
Have a terrific day, everyone.
Ciao,
Nora
August 4, 2009 at 11:42 pm · Filed under computer, daydreaming, feelings, Jesker, nap, news, politics, sleep, sofa
>I was going to watch the 8 o’clock news, but instead fell asleep on the sofa, as if that is anything new, and now, of course, I’m wide awake and I’ve just finished answering emails, which took me forever, because I kept being distracted by my own thoughts and forgetting what I was doing. It’s called daydreaming and I fall victim to it easily at different times in my life.
Now seems to be one of those times. It makes doing anything last twice as long, because everything makes me think of something else that I have to ponder over, like a gently meandering stream of water, curiously and slowly finding it’s way downhill, forming puddles here and there before moving on again. Oh, how poetic of me, but so exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I never did get to watch the news, so as usual, I am badly informed and I don’t know if we’re having a government crisis or if the queen is abdicating. Maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part. Of course, it would be awfully bad timing for either of those things to happen now, but I don’t have the mental energy to explain why, just accept that it is so. Let’s just say that we don’t want a new Adolf Hitler for prime minister and that the crown prince isn’t ready to be king yet, or that the queen isn’t done being queen yet. One of those two.
The good part is, that when I wake up from one of those extensive naps, I’m not filled with self hatred like I used to be. Instead I am excited to be awake again and look forward to spending some time behind the computer with a cup of decaf and my cigarettes. I’m like a little kid that gets to play with its favorite toy. Who ever claimed I was a grown up anyway? I just act like I am one, but deep in my heart?
But talking about liking yourself or not, I guess that right now I don’t like myself very much, because I feel that I’m breaking the rules by being up. I should go to bed, but I’m not quite ready to and that makes me feel bad, because I’m supposed to stick to some sort of a schedule and I have a tendency to very quickly feel guilty and when I feel guilty, I start to dislike myself and it’s a downhill course from there. It’s better if I talk about it and air my feelings, because disliking myself can have such big consequences for me, so I have to stay up and get over these feelings, instead of scaring myself into bed…
…imagine a long pause here where I do nothing but try to collect my thoughts while I drink my decaf and smoke my cigarette. Actually, imagine pauses all over the place, some short and some long. I am in that kind of a conversation with you, well, call it a monologue, because I don’t hear you talking back at me, although I imagine that too.
Come on, I’m setting myself over all those negative feelings and I’m going to enjoy the time that I’m up. It’s a shame that I don’t have any way to get rid of those negative feelings, I can’t cut them out of me, but I sure as hell can shout louder than them.
Jesker wants something from me and I have to try to figure out what it is. I think he wants to go out.
Yup…that’s what he wanted. If everything in life were as uncomplicated as Jesker it would sure be easy. Let’s pretend that it is.
Ciao…
March 3, 2009 at 8:41 pm · Filed under blogging, daydreaming, depression, mood disorders, six sentences, writing
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I have a confession to make. Instead of being here and reading blogs and leaving comments behind, I have been visiting My Page on 6S’s and I have been having a heck of a good time. It’s been like going away to holiday camp and discovering a whole new set of people with a whole new set of activities.
I think it is just what I needed to get me out of this slump, because lets face it, it’s not called mood disorders for nothing and I was right in the middle of one. I always forget that I suffer from mood disorders and that this doesn’t just mean that I get hypomanic, but that this also means that I sometimes get very depressed very quickly for the least of reasons. I also forget that these are temporary conditions and that I get over them quickly as a rule, if all goes well and I get the proper help.
So, for a while, I didn’t want anything to be in my life the way it usually was. I couldn’t stand the thought of blogging and simply did not have the enthusiasm to leave cheerful comments when you all knew I wasn’t cheerful.
I spent a lot of time sitting at the dining table with a mug of coffee and a cigarette, just staring out the window letting my thoughts wander wherever they took me. It was peaceful that way. I didn’t pretend to get any work done and gave myself permission not to worry about that right now. I did the basics and that was it. We all have clean dishes to eat from.
When I finally did turn on the computer, I became disheartened about all the posts I would have to read and be cheerful about and I just couldn’t face it, so I checked in to 6S’s and went to the main page to see what was new there and there was lots of new stuff to read and react to. It was a whole new ballgame and I even got into the swing of things and wrote some stuff myself.
It’s funny how new surroundings and new people perk you up and give you a new lease on life, simply with the few encouraging words that they give you about another whole untapped side of yourself. It’s a website for writers, that’s what it is all about and you do your best to write the best bit of prose you know how. You write on your tip toes, keeping in mind your audience of critical readers. There are no prima donnas, just kind people who encourage each other as much as possible and set challenges for you to participate in.
I’ll still be blogging, but with a little less fervor than I have been. I’ll skip some blogs that I get little or no reaction from. I’ll glance at those that may or may not interest me. The list will get shorter. I’ll not be a super blogger anymore. That’s like being a super mommy or a super housewife. I think I’ve left all those stages behind me.
I think I am slowly getting out of my depressed phase now. Everything doesn’t seem so awful anymore and there is no more black hole in front of me. A lot of the black clouds have disappeared. That’s part of a song, isn’t it?
Well ciao, my best buddies, have a good evening. I think I’ll turn in early myself.
Another Splendid Day 