Archive for stress
June 13, 2011 at 8:04 pm · Filed under attitude, awareness, coffee, energy, nap, reality, recreational drugs, sleep, state of mind, stress, the cat, the dog, the news
I’ve taken my afternoon nap late today and I’m still in the process of waking up from it properly. I’m sleepy headed even though I’m having a cup of coffee. I suppose it’s going to take more than one cup to get able minded. I don’t mind it too much as this is a pleasant state of mind to be in. There are no sharp edges and I feel as though my mind is stuck in a soft cloud. It’s nice to be not too alert and to be somewhat fuzzy minded. It takes the harshness off reality.
Not that my reality is all that harsh. On the contrary, it really isn’t. I just like things very softly outlined. I would always like to exist in a somewhat softened and mildly less aware state of mind. I would always like to be not so alert and acutely aware of everything. I’d like my level of built in stress to be a little bit lower.
I do deal with it well by allowing it to come to the surface only rarely and only for little periods of time. But I’m aware of the fact that I have the potential for it in me always. I’m not by nature a relaxed person. I’ve taught myself to be one. I have the attitude of one and seem to project it, but it’s all carefully tuned and kept in balance.
I’d like to take a ‘less aware pill,’ but one doesn’t exist. That’s probably why I have dreams sometimes about smoking hash and being very relaxed. My afternoon nap will have to suffice. It’s a very pleasant interlude in the day and it really helps me through it. It gets me over that difficult hump when I wouldn’t know how to get through the hard part of the afternoon.
I think sleeping is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. It’s such a healing act. It restores you and your mind and everything in you. It gives you new energy and a new outlook.
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I just took the dog for a walk and when we came back to the apartment, he stood on his hind legs and looked through the living room window at the cat who was sitting on the dining table looking out. That was an interesting discovery. That was his cat sitting there. How unusual. The cat came to the front door to greet us when we came in. She was smart enough to figure out that it was us standing outside by the window. Sometimes I think the cat is smarter than the dog. She just doesn’t let on.
I’ve got to watch the 8 o’clock news now.
Have a good evening.
Ciao,
Nora
May 26, 2011 at 2:56 pm · Filed under books, chores, dishes, end of the day, finances, laundry, nervous breakdown, paperwork, sports, stress, television, the dog, walks, weather, writing
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I’ve done my chores and the washing machine is churning away so I don’t have to feel bad about sitting here and taking the time to write this. I’ve even done my administration and ordered new food for the dog on line. Yes, I have done my duties and didn’t have a nervous breakdown.
I only was in danger of having one for half a minute and then I dared it to. I faced it head on and decided it wasn’t going to get to me. That I was stronger than it and that I was not in need of a tranquilizer simply because I had a number of stressful activities to take care of.
I proved to be right. Opening the mail and facing possible bad news was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was what it was, unpleasant. They wanted my money. I dislike that intensely, but it doesn’t help if I have a breakdown over it.
In my spare moments I watched tennis at Roland Garros. There were some Dutch people playing and they needed my attention, not that it helped. We don’t do all that great, not when faced with formidable opponents like Kim Klijsters and Marty Fish. It was fun to watch anyway and they were nice moments to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette.
I couldn’t finish watching any of the matches, so I don’t know how they ended. I had to do my chores and walk the dog in the windy day. There are rain clouds, but no rain has fallen out of them yet.
The dog had been stealing the potholders off their hook in the kitchen and playing with them. They had drool all over them and they’re in the washing machine now. He has also been stealing the magnetic little animals off the refrigerator and I found them throughout the apartment. I put them up high, but he still got to them.
It’s a completely new activity for him that he’s just discovered. Stealing things from the kitchen. I suppose that up till now, it was just a place to go eat and he hadn’t really explored it properly. I guess next will be the dishtowels. I’ve got to go to the pet shop and buy him some new indestructible toys. He wrecked his rubber rabbit to the point that I had to toss it out.
He really enjoyed tearing that rabbit apart and it took him a long time. It was worth the price I paid for it. I may get one like it again. It was the best toy we’ve had so far.
I’ve got to put away the dishes and hang up the clean laundry. I’m glad the day is almost over. I have to walk the dog one more time and then I’m going to put on clean pajamas and vegetate in front of the television. I may even read my book. It will be an evening spent leisurely with the minimum amount of activity.
You wouldn’t have thought that officially this was my day off. I had no appointments today and nobody coming over.
I hope you’re all having a good day with the kind of weather you most want.
Ciao,
Nora
May 19, 2011 at 3:45 pm · Filed under father, innocence, kindness, medicines, mother, nap, nonjudgmental, patience, reality, stress, wellbeing
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When I wake up from my afternoon nap, I always feel very kindly towards the world and all the people in it. I have a totally untroubled mind. If anybody calls me at that time, I am all sweetness and I have all the patience needed to have whatever conversation is necessary.
This mood lasts about an hour. By that time I have taken my evening dose of medicines and I am in another kind of good mood that is almost equally nice, but I’m not as sweet and patient anymore. I’ve got more stress by that time, having been awake long enough to have the reality of life penetrate my mind again.
Not that my reality is such an awful one. It is all in my imagination. It is my own fearful heart that makes it look that way. My reality is actually quite simple, but something in me doesn’t experience it that way and sees bogeymen in every corner.
It’s a terrible thing to live with a fearful heart because it prevents you from living life with full enjoyment. It’s much better to be untroubled like that person who just woke up from her nap and who exists in the world like a newborn child. Unafraid.
It’s very possible that newborn children are not at all unafraid and that some of them have their fears too. If so, I may have been one of them. My mother told me once that I sure did an awful lot of crying when I was a baby. I may have been uneasy all alone in my crib. I wanted to be held by my father.
I wonder what happens to you when you take that afternoon nap to make you feel so untroubled and kind? It must be a very soothing thing to do. It must be very good for your wellbeing. I wonder if people in southern countries don’t have the right idea when they take their siestas. Or don’t they do that any longer in today’s society? I must ask my sister’s Italian friend, but he’s from Milan and that’s in northern Italy. It may not be a custom there.
I would always like to have the innocence I have when I wake up from my afternoon nap and to be so nonjudgmental. It would be a lot easier to live with myself.
Ciao,
Nora
April 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm · Filed under bathrobe, coffee, exhaustion, genetics, medicines, persomality, qualities, realism, stress, the dog
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I almost always feel stress. I feel stress when I sit in my apartment and I feel stress when I walk the dog. I’m almost constantly a bundle of nerves. At least, I’ve been especially so lately and now can’t remember when I’ve not been. It seems that I’m always hanging on by the skin of my teeth to some extent, except that now it has taken on extreme forms.
I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning because I didn’t want to face the day and I only did so very reluctantly because the dog insisted on it. He had to be let out. I sat in my bathrobe for the longest time drinking coffee with my stomach tied in knots, feeling miserable and trying to figure out how in the world to make it through the day.
When it was noontime, I took my medicines and I also took 20 mg of Temazepam because I didn’t know what else to do, but just wanted to be relieved from the enormous pressure that I felt. I had to walk the dog, but kept postponing it until I couldn’t any longer.
Now the Temazepam has started to work and I feel a bit better. As a matter of fact, I wish I would always feel this way. Most of the stress is gone and my stomach is almost not tied in knots anymore. I’m only a little bit neurotic. I think that’s what I have: a neurotic personality. I can’t explain it any other way. I had a grandmother who was the same way.
I get very exhausted of being me. I always feel that I have to read an instruction booklet to know what to do with myself but that the booklet has been lost. It’s so tiring to deal with these moods and feelings. Sometimes I feel like giving up completely. But then I take a pill like the Temazepam and the pressure is off and I can handle things again for a while. It’s so nice to get a bit of relief.
I curse my genetic make up and wish I had never been born. I don’t see any added value to my life here on earth. It serves no purpose whatsoever. I don’t see what I add to the common good. I’m basically taking up a tiny little bit of space in a very negative way.
Don’t pay any attention to me. I’m being super realistic and probably need to take another pill. Everybody needs some redeeming qualities and I just don’t happen to see mine.
Ciao,
Nora
November 26, 2010 at 9:13 am · Filed under cigarettes, coffee, domestic help, hairdo, mail, moods, personal helper, responsibility, rituals, shower, sleep, snow, stress, the Netherlands, the weekend, time, Tyke, walks, weekdays
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I managed to sleep until 8 o’clock this morning. It was with amazement that I looked at the alarm clock. I don’t know how I did it, but somehow I pulled it off. I am very pleased. That means I slept almost nine hours and I will not have to take a nap today. Hallelujah. I will make it through the day just like a regular person, and that is good, because today both my personal helper and my domestic help are going to be here. I will be alert and approachable and in a good mood. Not that I’m always in a bad mood, but I’m more absentminded when I’m sleepy and tired and forget to be very sociable.
I’m having my second cup of coffee and my third cigarette. I’ve just taken my medicines and am waiting for them to start working. It’s the regular morning routine like so many other mornings, except that I’m doing it later than usual now. Tyke is sitting on his perch on the dining table looking out the window and seems to be completely fascinated by whatever he sees out there. At least he is happy for now. That gives me time to sit here and write and wake up properly. I may be writing this, but I’m on automatic pilot still. I will function well after I’ve had the second cup.
Well, the secretary of the Green Cross just called to say that my personal helper is sick, so she won’t be coming this morning, which gives me a sea of time. Now I don’t have to sit here and rush through this. I was a little concerned about the timing and getting this done before she got here. I’m still sitting here in my bathrobe and I was to take a shower when she got here and get into my clean clothes, so I suppose I will do that on my own now.
It didn’t snow last night like was predicted. I suppose it didn’t get quite cold enough. It did rain, but this morning the sun is shining and it’s going to be 33F, which means it’s going to be a nice day, because there will hardly be any wind. It will be nice to go out for a walk with Tyke.
Because it’s Friday again, I’m extra motivated to make it as pleasant a day as possible. It’s the pre-weekend day, which is as good as it being the weekend. Sometimes it’s hard to remember to enjoy the times that don’t consist of responsibilities, although there are many moments of it during the week. I usually have just enough stress with me to not be able to relax completely until the weekend, while really I have no reason not to feel that way during the week. I really need a change of attitude, but I never realize it until it is almost weekend and I see that I have been stressing again during the week.
I look like the wild woman of Borneo. My hair is sticking up all over the place and it is strictly from sleeping on it. There’s no hairspray or wax in it. If I didn’t know better I’d say static electricity was the cause of it and maybe it is dry enough in the apartment to have caused it. I have had the heater on. It will probably be better once I’ve washed my hair.
The mailmen are on strike because 3,100 of them are going to be laid off and be replaced by part time mail deliverers. That’s what they will be called. There was no mail yesterday and there will be no mail today, so no reason to go look in the mailbox. Privatization of mail services is a large cause of it and the fact that people send less mail, doing things by email now. I don’t think the tide can be turned. We are starting to live in a capitalistic society. Woe is us.
I have to go and walk the dog. It’s time to get the day started. Be at your very best, always.
Ciao,
Nora
November 12, 2010 at 8:32 pm · Filed under anxiety, bedtime, car, chocolate, cigarettes, laundry, rain, sleep, stress, the weekend, Tyke, walks
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I’m waiting for the rain to stop, so I will be able to go to the gas station to buy cigarettes, but it looks like there’s no end to it. I may have to bundle up and ride my bike through the rain and get wet. There are worse things, of course, but it’s no pleasure I’m looking forward to. It’s not something you do voluntarily. I’ll have to do it to take care of my nicotine addiction, but that’s not really voluntarily. That’s more like I’m driven to.
I also still have to take Tyke out for a walk and knowing him, he would not really mind going out in the rain, providing I would rub him dry well with a towel afterwards. If I’m going to get wet anyway, I may as well take him for a walk too. I may as well pretend I enjoy it and do this for my daily living. Mailmen have to go out in it, after all. I have yet to hear our mailman complain about the weather. Except when there’s a heatwave.
The really good part is that it’s Friday evening and that means that it’s officially weekend now, though why that should be such a big deal to me still puzzles me. For some reason I still think the weekend is special, because I can do what I want and with that I mean, sleep whenever I want to. As if I don’t do enough of that during the week. I sure make a big deal out of sleeping, don’t I? It seems to be such an important thing to me. I’m either short of it or doing too much of it. I never find the right balance. Or very rarely.
I think I will buy enough cigarettes to last me all weekend so I will not have to worry about having to go to the store, because I just know that it’s going to be emotionally stressful for me to go. Whatever I do now, will prevent me from having to do it later at a worse time. I anticipate anxiety and I want to be one step ahead of it. I have to make it as uncomplicated as I can. Getting wet in the rain is the least of my worries. At least I don’t wear make up that can run.
I do wish I had a car. Those of you with cars, who take that for granted, don’t know how lucky you are and how it simplifies your life. Things are so much easier when you have a car. I drove a car for 22 years, so I remember.
I’m going to take Tyke for a walk before it gets too late. See you in a while…
…so, I have gone to the gas station as well and got my supply of cigarettes and a chocolate bar. I couldn’t resist it, not after having been out in the rain and wind. It was very stormy and wet on the bike, the walk with Tyke was a piece of cake compared to it.
Now it is still a decent time in the evening and I’m all done doing things, except for hanging up a load of laundry. I’ll do that tomorrow when I’ll also change my bed. Oh, I can’t wait to have clean sheets on the bed. What a joy! I know someone who only changes her sheets once every two weeks. I can’t believe that. Maybe I’ll even change the sheets tonight. That would make me excited about going to bed. I need all the excitement I can get. George Clooney is still not in there.
Well, I think I will knit an end to this post, as we say here. I’m going to see what other kind of trouble I can get into. Oh yes, I’m going to change the bed…
Have a good evening!
Ciao,
Nora
November 4, 2010 at 5:41 pm · Filed under Autumn, cigarettes, coffee, conversations, early morning, food, Gandhi, GP, personal helper, sleep, status, stress, the Exfactor, Tyke, weather
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It’s the end of the afternoon and I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Outside it is getting dark and I have the lights turned on in the living room. I don’t think I’m going to have much time to sit here and write, because Tyke is getting agitated and I think he may want to go out in a while. He has to be patient for a little while, though, while I finish my coffee.
The coffee is not very good. The Exfactor made it earlier this afternoon when he was here to pick up a package that had been delivered for him. He doesn’t make a very strong pot of coffee and I have to remember that the next time I ask him to make a pot. I’ll tell him to put a few tablespoons more coffee into the filter. It’s no wonder he makes his ground coffee last so long.
I was still in bed when he got here and the blinds were still closed. I had been up during the night and gone to sleep early in the morning. Luckily, I was truly done sleeping or I would have been in a stupor the whole time that he had been here. I would not have made much of a conversationalist. As it was, I didn’t want to say to him that I didn’t like his coffee, so I had to find a different subject to talk about.
Fortunately, there was Tyke who climbed on my lap and gave me kisses and he was a great distraction. If you don’t know what to talk about, talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids. There was Gandhi too, of course, who also wanted to sit on my lap, only Tyke was jealous and did not want her to. He shoved her out of the way. Luckily, she is bouncy enough to always end up gently on her feet. He does treat her like a rubber toy.
The Exfactor always spends half of his time talking about the intricate details of his work, which are always the same and very boring. Apparently what the heart is full of, the mouth runs over with. I think he actually experiences a lot of stress and releases it by talking about it with me, because he always tells me the same things. I pretend to be interested and make all the right noises and never act like I’m bored. I feel his need.
Maybe he can’t talk about it anywhere else. I do fulfill some purpose in his life. He is coming back tomorrow to pick up the package because he didn’t have the right carrier on his motorcycle. He is also going to the store for me and we will have a chance to talk some more. I will dig deeper into the issue. Maybe he can air his heart a little bit more.
My personal helper was here this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning because we had an appointment with my GP. I was a bit nervous about this because it was all so official and serious in my eyes. She said not to worry about it, that it was no big deal, but I had other thoughts about it. We walked over there a bit before 3 pm and soon it was our turn.
Together we told our story about why we were there and found out that the GP did know about my psychiatric history up to a point, but had not been updated in quite a few years. He did know a number of things about me, but not everything, so we informed him as much as possible and he asked for an official update from my SPN or psychiatrist with all the relevant information in it too.
That was really all there was to it. He knows now about the extra help I get from the Green Cross, both in the form of personal and domestic help and that I live alone and take care of myself. Well, up to a point I do. I’m not married nor do I have a partner or other live in care.
I suppose I felt some amount of relief when it was done, but I also felt like I had aired the dirty linen and for the umpteenth time had told the story that I don’t want to repeat anymore. I would much rather go in there for a sprained ankle instead of a broken soul. Ha! That’s a play on words that I had not intended…
…I just took Tyke out for a walk and the wind was blowing mightily. It wasn’t cold and it felt great. It was blowing the leaves in whirls all around. It’s fun to see Tyke run through the heaps of them. His little legs get covered by them and he’s in them up to his belly. I’m pretty sure that he enjoys it very much too. I wonder how he’s going to react to snow, although I really don’t want to think of that at all. Bbbrrr…
I’ve got to get something to eat, I’m hungry. I would Like a meatball, but I don’t have one in the apartment. Can someone send me one?
Have a good evening!
Ciao,
Nora
April 22, 2010 at 7:50 pm · Filed under books, closet, clothes, coffee, grocery shopping, jewellery, personal helper, psychiatrist, stress, suicide, the Exfactor, Tyke, weather
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What do you do if you wake up from a nap on the sofa and your first thought is that you don’t want to be there any more? And what do you do if nearly an hour later you still feel that way, despite the fact that you’ve taken your medicines and smoked a cigarette and petted the dog?
Well, you make yourself a large mug of strong coffee and drink it as rapidly as you can and very quickly you will start to feel better, because the caffeine does something to the chemistry in your brain. It is an added value and because it is, you make another mug and drink it with the same eagerness you drank the first and just generally start to feel good. Wasn’t that a wonderful invention of the people who first started to brew coffee and discovered the stimulating qualities of it? Little did they know that they would save the life and sanity of a woman in the 21st century on the European continent.
After you drink your coffee, you feel fit enough to deal with your dog, who needs to be walked and you cheerfully do so. All that caffeine in your head is making your synapses fire properly and your thought processes move smoothly and easily as if they were the products of a well oiled machine. There’s something to be said for little cups of espresso too. They are downed easily and quickly and give fast results. An espresso machine may be in order. Something worth looking into, since the Senseo coffee maker is starting to leak. A creative solution must be thought of.
I’m wearing a brand new outfit today. I got it ready during the night when I was up and wide awake and not nearly ready to go to sleep. The only same things I’m wearing are my cowboy boots, but you can’t get those off my feet nowadays. I’m completely hooked on them and they are comfortable, except for where my little toe hurts from my hiking boots, but I would have that in any kind of shoe now. A new outfit was easily put together, because I do have enough clothes to choose from, although I need to clean out my closet to get a better idea of what is there and what fits and what doesn’t. I need to sort through the whole collection. That’s a good job for a rainy day, which we are not going to have for a while. It’s supposed to be nice weather this weekend with pleasant temperatures.
I also found all the rings I was looking for. Most of them are very nice with pretty stones, but the prettiest ones were too big. I’m wearing a mother of pearl and a red translucent stone of which I don’t know the name. They are both set in silver, which is a metal that I can be allergic to, so we will hope the best. The other ones have prettier stones, but like I said, they are too big, although it must be possible to make them smaller. I’ll see if I want to go through the trouble of that.
I think I went to sleep a little after 6 o’clock in the morning and woke up at 9:30, just before the phone rang. It was the Exfactor who said he would be over in about an hour, which left me time to get dressed and walk Tyke. I was till very sleepy when the Exfactor got here and couldn’t engage in a too animated conversation, because I still needed my coffee. He did do the groceries for me, which was very sweet and now I’ve got enough milk and cheese to last me for the week. I’ve also still got porridge and since I haven’t eaten it in awhile I think I will have a bowl of it tonight. That will be simply delicious.
An air plane just flew over and I’m disgusted by the sound of it. It has been so nice not to have the sound of it and now it is slowly returning to the every day noises we hear. For a while it was really silent and only if the wind was coming from the right direction, you could hear the traffic on the highway or the trains at the station. I find the noise of air planes very intrusive and am indignant that they can just fly over populated areas, which is hard not to do in the Netherlands or anywhere else I suppose, the airports being built near highly populated areas. I feel sorry for the people who live near Schiphol, which is a very busy airport and they must go mad with all the noise. We have it relatively easy compared to them.
My personal helper called this afternoon and she is coming over on Monday for an introductory meeting and will start to work on Thursday. That is amazingly fast, because I thought I would have to wait a few weeks. She sounded very nice on the phone, although she did address me in dialect, which luckily I understand. Everybody automatically speaks dialect to each other until they realize that you speak Dutch.
My psychiatrist called also and I could tell him that I was having a fairly good day, which he says is something that is very typical of me, that one day I can be completely in the lowest valley and the next day be out of it again and he said that that’s why it’s so important that I stick to a strict schedule, although he understands my desire to stay up when I feel good. It’s hard to let go of that feeling, but it does take all day to recuperate from a long night up. I told him that what he had said about guilt and wanting to be dead had made a lot of sense to me and that I had given it a lot of thought, and he said that was half the work, that an idea made sense to you and that you recognized yourself in it.
Well, I’ve rambled on long enough now and I don’t want to bore you, so I’ll bring this to an end. I’m also coming to the end of “The Stone Diaries” and am enjoying it very much. I hope I have another book by Carol Shields on the bookcase, but I’m not sure. If I don’t, I’ll have to order one. She has such a nice writing voice and it all flows so naturally and you don’t get the feeling that she’s writing according to some standard formula.
All right, have a nice day and a nice evening Drink some coffee if it’s not going well. Don’t drown your sorrows in beer.
Ciao,
Nora
March 17, 2010 at 11:21 pm · Filed under activities, Babaloo, challenge, chores, coffee, computer, cowboy boots, daydreaming, emails, excuses, finances, Gandhi, leather jacket, self image, sleep, stress, tax offices, Tyke, weather, Windows
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Although I’m sitting here with tears running down my face from all the yawning that I’m doing, I don’t want the evening to end yet, because it is quite early still, so I have made myself a cup of coffee and I’m drinking that to keep myself going for a little while longer, although it’s possible that it’s not going to work at all and that I will be forced to go to bed anyway.
In the meantime I’m helping Gandhi escape from the enthusiasm of Tyke and getting her to jump on the dining table, where I had put a folded up blanket, which Tyke has pulled off and is now in the process of “killing.” It is Jesker’s old blanket, but I have a better one for Gandhi to lie on and we will get the better of Tyke yet. I do have to pick sides and Gandhi needs more help. Tyke is quite capable of looking after himself.
I was rudely interrupted while writing this by many emails that needed answering, and as usual I took my time doing that, so now it’s much later and I’ve gotten my second wind. I’m suddenly awake again and ready for an intellectual challenge. I don’t know if that includes writing this post, but I guess I can make it as challenging for myself as I want. Notwithstanding the fact that I’m typing this without the spell check and I can’t use any really difficult words, because I would have to look them up in the dictionary and that would stop the natural flow of words.
I do try to write as quickly as the sentences enter my head and sometimes I’m on a roll, although I do have periods of non-activity when nothing comes and I’m distracted. I’ve been that way my whole life and it caused me some trouble in primary school when I was distracted a lot, in other words, I day dreamed and I still have the tendency to do that now. I call it constructive day dreaming, because I think of things that matter and come up with solutions to odd little problems I’m faced with. It seems that being occupied in one activity stimulates my brain to be active in other areas as well. I suppose I am a multiple use appliance, handy to have around the house.
I did my taxes this afternoon on line and it turned out to be quite painless, because part of the information was already filled in and what I had to fill in was very simple and each question that I had to answer came with an explanation so I would understand the question and if it applied to me. Luckily, my financial situation is very simple and clear cut. There were no complications. It’s probably the easiest tax form that I ever filled out, because I was unmarried for all of last year. I’m going to remember how simple this was, so I won’t procrastinate next year.
I had Iron Nora do the taxes, she’s much more capable than I am and not the least bit intimidated. That woman is handy to have around and my blogging friend Babaloo reminded me to pull her out of the closet for jobs like this that are tougher than the ordinary daily tasks that I’m normally faced with, but I think I can pull her out of the closet whenever I get timid. I’m regularly intimidated by something and I can use a tough woman at moments like that. Especially now that I’m wearing cowboy boots that strengthen my image a great deal.
I have been wearing my brown leather jacket for warmth, but the weather is getting better now and I think I can start wearing my black leather jacket with the zippers and the buttons, which is very cool. It was the first leather jacket I bought and I felt like quite a hip chick when I wore it out of the store. I can wear my green scarf with it, which is an upgrade from the blue and black scarf I’ve been wearing with my brown leather jacket and that used to belong to my mother, so it is very old and it also needs to go into the laundry. The black leather jacket is best worn open, but it’s not quite warm enough for that yet, although tomorrow it’s going to be an incredible 17 degrees Celsius. That’s practically balmy and real spring weather. I can hardly believe my eyes reading that forecast. I’ll wear my jacket open with my green scarf around my neck.
I had three chores to do today and I did them all, except that I didn’t quite finish the last one and then, as it got later in the day, I excused myself from that one and will add it to the chores I will have to do tomorrow. I will have to do three of them tomorrow and maybe four if I’m really gutsy and honest. I don’t write them down, as I know exactly what they are and I don’t forget them. They are lasered into my brain. Three chores aren’t that many to remember. Carrying them out is, because I reach a certain time of the day when I excuse myself from doing work and I only get to play, as if I have a regular paid job.
Actually, my excuse is that I try to keep the stress out of my life, but I think I should test that theory and see if it still applies. If I start doing more than three chores, I will have to start making lists or make the stuff up as I go along. There are always things to do here. I will have must do and can do chores and do the must do chores first. I will have to forego some time on the computer, because it distracts me hugely and is always beckoning me to turn it on.
I reinstalled Windows Vista the other day, because it was acting funny, and as a result I got more space on my hard disk and it also kept all the things I had installed and downloaded myself, even though it said it would put those things separately on the hard disk. I did a complete reinstallment, not an upgrade. I thought it was wonderful and apparently it got rid of some unnecessary junk. Windows Vista is okay, but very often it is murmuring to itself, doing unknown things on line that aren’t apparent and it has many updates. I don’t know why such a big deal was made out of it. The email program is good, but it should be. Would you expect anything less?
It’s late now and I should go to bed, but I’m enjoying myself here. I’ll run out of things to do, though, and be forced to close shop. I’ll go put the clean sheets on the bed. That was the part of the third job that I had not finished. I want to sleep in a clean, good smelling bed tonight. That will be a treat to me.
Goodnight, dear all. I’ll see you all tomorrow, very late in the morning.
Ciao,
Nora
March 9, 2010 at 2:38 pm · Filed under depression, medication, stress, thoughts, Tyke, weather, writing
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I delete every post I start writing after about one or two paragraphs, sometimes more. I feel that I don’t have a thing worthwhile telling you and that anything I do write down is just the same old sh*t I’ve written about a hundred times. I don’t know why that is just dawning on me these past 24 hours. Why I never had that thought before. I must have been delusioned all this time and so convinced of my talent as a writer that I really thought I was saying profound things.
Tyke is doing much better today. He has stopped being sick to his stomach and has even eaten a little. His eye looks very good and it’s not bleeding. That’s what the collar is for, to keep him from pawing at his eye, but he figured out that he can scratch it with his hind paw. Luckily, he hasn’t opened the wound and I’m keeping the collar on him until tomorrow. That’s what the vet said to do. Tyke doesn’t like the collar and gets frustrated by it. Well, he’s basically walking around with a cone around his head. He can’t play with Gandhi and he gets stuck between furniture, although he is figuring out how to work his way around it. He’s a pretty adaptable, really, and inventive. He figured out how to eat from his bowl with that thing on his head, which was just a bit tricky, and he knows how to pick things up from the ground, although his nose is almost too short for the cone.
I’m okay. I just have to avoid doing anything that causes stress, so that includes a lot of things. I’m keeping it as simple as possible today. Writing this post and answering emails are the most complicated things I will be doing today, and keeping my thoughts as simple as possible. I have to keep my brain organized.
Of course, keeping my thoughts simple is not that easy, but right now I’m trying to think about my medication and how to best deal with reducing it, because I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. I think I have come up with a plan, now that I’ve pondered over it for a good while, and I really want to discuss it with him. I think it’s a good plan and I find it hard to wait until tomorrow, but I will have to. I think I will be feeling much better soon.
The sun has been shining all day, but it is only 2C outside and tonight it will be -5C, so it’s quite chilly. It doesn’t seem like it wants to be springtime yet. I did see a flock of geese flying north the other day. They must have been the optimists.
This post is taking me hours to write. I’m constantly distracted by my own thoughts and wander down a different path. I’m not worrying, I’m just thinking. You’d think by now somebody should have wondered why I have been depressed for months on end while I’m taking a mega dose of antidepressants. Make’s you wonder, doesn’t it? Maybe they aren’t working at all. Depression, anxiety, stress, those are all the things the antidepressants are supposed to take away. Yet they haven’t.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 