Archive for suicide
April 22, 2010 at 7:50 pm · Filed under books, closet, clothes, coffee, grocery shopping, jewellery, personal helper, psychiatrist, stress, suicide, the Exfactor, Tyke, weather
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What do you do if you wake up from a nap on the sofa and your first thought is that you don’t want to be there any more? And what do you do if nearly an hour later you still feel that way, despite the fact that you’ve taken your medicines and smoked a cigarette and petted the dog?
Well, you make yourself a large mug of strong coffee and drink it as rapidly as you can and very quickly you will start to feel better, because the caffeine does something to the chemistry in your brain. It is an added value and because it is, you make another mug and drink it with the same eagerness you drank the first and just generally start to feel good. Wasn’t that a wonderful invention of the people who first started to brew coffee and discovered the stimulating qualities of it? Little did they know that they would save the life and sanity of a woman in the 21st century on the European continent.
After you drink your coffee, you feel fit enough to deal with your dog, who needs to be walked and you cheerfully do so. All that caffeine in your head is making your synapses fire properly and your thought processes move smoothly and easily as if they were the products of a well oiled machine. There’s something to be said for little cups of espresso too. They are downed easily and quickly and give fast results. An espresso machine may be in order. Something worth looking into, since the Senseo coffee maker is starting to leak. A creative solution must be thought of.
I’m wearing a brand new outfit today. I got it ready during the night when I was up and wide awake and not nearly ready to go to sleep. The only same things I’m wearing are my cowboy boots, but you can’t get those off my feet nowadays. I’m completely hooked on them and they are comfortable, except for where my little toe hurts from my hiking boots, but I would have that in any kind of shoe now. A new outfit was easily put together, because I do have enough clothes to choose from, although I need to clean out my closet to get a better idea of what is there and what fits and what doesn’t. I need to sort through the whole collection. That’s a good job for a rainy day, which we are not going to have for a while. It’s supposed to be nice weather this weekend with pleasant temperatures.
I also found all the rings I was looking for. Most of them are very nice with pretty stones, but the prettiest ones were too big. I’m wearing a mother of pearl and a red translucent stone of which I don’t know the name. They are both set in silver, which is a metal that I can be allergic to, so we will hope the best. The other ones have prettier stones, but like I said, they are too big, although it must be possible to make them smaller. I’ll see if I want to go through the trouble of that.
I think I went to sleep a little after 6 o’clock in the morning and woke up at 9:30, just before the phone rang. It was the Exfactor who said he would be over in about an hour, which left me time to get dressed and walk Tyke. I was till very sleepy when the Exfactor got here and couldn’t engage in a too animated conversation, because I still needed my coffee. He did do the groceries for me, which was very sweet and now I’ve got enough milk and cheese to last me for the week. I’ve also still got porridge and since I haven’t eaten it in awhile I think I will have a bowl of it tonight. That will be simply delicious.
An air plane just flew over and I’m disgusted by the sound of it. It has been so nice not to have the sound of it and now it is slowly returning to the every day noises we hear. For a while it was really silent and only if the wind was coming from the right direction, you could hear the traffic on the highway or the trains at the station. I find the noise of air planes very intrusive and am indignant that they can just fly over populated areas, which is hard not to do in the Netherlands or anywhere else I suppose, the airports being built near highly populated areas. I feel sorry for the people who live near Schiphol, which is a very busy airport and they must go mad with all the noise. We have it relatively easy compared to them.
My personal helper called this afternoon and she is coming over on Monday for an introductory meeting and will start to work on Thursday. That is amazingly fast, because I thought I would have to wait a few weeks. She sounded very nice on the phone, although she did address me in dialect, which luckily I understand. Everybody automatically speaks dialect to each other until they realize that you speak Dutch.
My psychiatrist called also and I could tell him that I was having a fairly good day, which he says is something that is very typical of me, that one day I can be completely in the lowest valley and the next day be out of it again and he said that that’s why it’s so important that I stick to a strict schedule, although he understands my desire to stay up when I feel good. It’s hard to let go of that feeling, but it does take all day to recuperate from a long night up. I told him that what he had said about guilt and wanting to be dead had made a lot of sense to me and that I had given it a lot of thought, and he said that was half the work, that an idea made sense to you and that you recognized yourself in it.
Well, I’ve rambled on long enough now and I don’t want to bore you, so I’ll bring this to an end. I’m also coming to the end of “The Stone Diaries” and am enjoying it very much. I hope I have another book by Carol Shields on the bookcase, but I’m not sure. If I don’t, I’ll have to order one. She has such a nice writing voice and it all flows so naturally and you don’t get the feeling that she’s writing according to some standard formula.
All right, have a nice day and a nice evening Drink some coffee if it’s not going well. Don’t drown your sorrows in beer.
Ciao,
Nora
April 22, 2010 at 12:35 am · Filed under blog post, cheese, clothes, coffee, depression, jewellery, medicines, moods, personal helper, psychiatrist, sleep, sofa, suicide
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I’ve tried several times today to write a post, but each time my mood was not such that I thought I could write a good one and I deleted each attempt, even if I had written a few paragraphs already. I think maybe now I’m up to it and I’m seriously going to try it. I’ve just slept a little on the sofa and when I woke up, I was very groggy and made myself a cup of coffee despite the late hour. It has woken me up completely and improved my mood quite a bit. If being up late is the price I pay for that, then so be it.
I’ve had a struggle with depression all day long and it’s been a difficult day. At one point I called my psychiatrist and talked to him about it. He says that I’m feeling so guilty for performing what I think is below par, that I think I deserve to die for it as a punishment and that this feeling is something very deep seated in me. We have to analyse this more at our next meeting. Because I’m depressed, I’m unable to perform and he increased my Effexor one more time and reduced my anti psychotics, because they can work as downers and make you feel flat. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to see how I am.
Some people from the Green Cross Foundation came to talk to me about my status quo after having been alerted by my domestic help. They wanted to know how my situation was and to offer me a personal helper who would come to support me several hours a week with such things as personal care and shopping and other things I have a hard time with. I was completely taken aback, because this was unasked for help and at first I didn’t get any and now I’m getting a lot. They are going to file a request immediately after questioning me carefully. They were psychiatric nurses, so they knew what they were talking about. They showed a great deal of concern and prepared a work folder for me as we spoke. It was an amazing thing.
When I wasn’t feeling down in the dumps or trying to write a post, I slept on the sofa a lot. Sleeping is my best defence. It only takes me a few minutes to fall asleep after I lie down. It is so very comfortable on the sofa in the sunlight, but even though there was sunlight today,. it was a cold day and I had the heater on and my cardigan too. I like to be warm and cosy, although I have now turned down the heater and taken off my cardigan as it was quite warm enough in here. I think I get cold too when I get sleepy, so that really should be a signal to me.
I had cold milk and Camembert for dinner and it was mighty tasty. I should be the spokeswoman for dairy products, I eat enough of them and I could not do without them. I especially like the soft cheeses, because they agree with my gastric band so well as opposed to the harder cheeses, but I like any kind of cheese really and there are many good kinds to be found in the store where I shop. There is a whole cheese counter with a large variety of cheeses. Some of them are quite expensive, that’s why I stick to the cheaper store brands of the Brie and Camembert. I’m always trying to keep my grocery bill as low as possible. It’s a challenge, although I’m sure that the more expensive kinds will taste a lot better, these cheaper ones taste good enough.
I have a tiny little scab on my face on a place where I have rosacea and every time I accidentally touch it, it starts to bleed something awful and I have to sit with a tissue to my face and wait for it to stop bleeding. It looks like a battle took place here. It’s because the weak blood vessels are so close to the surface there. It’s very hard not to touch that scab, because it itches. See, it’s always something.
I’m actually feeling fairly good right now, which is the first time today, or since yesterday, that I can say that. I’m saying this very conditionally in case something goes wrong with the carefully balanced things. I’m almost afraid to enjoy the moment, but I must. They don’t come along often lately.
I’ve taken off all my rings and for one of them I had to use dish washing liquid. It was a little bit tight. I decided that I did not want to belong to anybody any more and have no memory of anyone on my hands. I have callouses on my fingers from the rings. I don’t know if I’m going to wear different rings, I think I will. I have some rings that have little or no meaning. At least it won’t look like I’m married or that I’m a widow. I’ll look for the other rings in a while in my jewellery drawer. I have some silver ones with semi-precious stones that I may want to wear. They come from a collection of jewellery that belonged to my mother, but I have no recollection of her wearing these, so there are no memories attached to them. They are just rings to me and I’ve had them for ages. They are actually kind of pretty and I do look forward to getting them out again. Maybe I’ll start to care about what I look like again.
I haven’t done so in quite awhile and just put on the same old things in the morning with not much thought to how I looked. I really didn’t care very much. I thought if I looked halfway decent from a distance, then that would be okay. Up close and personal was a different matter, but then who does get that close? Not many people. I will try to put on something nice tomorrow morning. To celebrate the changing of the rings. Not the changing of the guard, that’s a whole other thing all together.
I’m going to look for those rings now and matching bracelets. Maybe I’ll pick out my outfit right away too. Then I’ll have no excuse to be lazy in the morning and put on the same old things. Yes, I think that’s a good idea.
Have a good night if you’re going to sleep and a good day if you’re waking up.
Ciao,
Nora
December 23, 2009 at 5:52 pm · Filed under agoraphobia, antipsychotic, family, friends, house cleaning, medication, psychiatrist, sleep, Social Services, suicide, suspicion
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It should have been a day like any other, but it wasn’t. I didn’t start the day out right, in that I did not feel good when I got up. I did not feel my normal cheerful self and after I walked the dog and ate my breakfast, I went to bed and slept a few more hours, thereby missing my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was not good, of course. I had called in sick. In reality I had a case of agoraphobia, which did not bide well for tomorrow when I had an appointment with my contact person at Social Services and already that was hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles.
After I got up from my extra sleep, I did not feel better, but very nervous and stressed and I decided to call my psychiatrist and fess up my lie and ask him for help with my appointment for the coming day. He thought my agoraphobia might be a result of my decreasing my medication. I told him about the great problem that I had with going to Socials Services and asked him to call my contact person and explain my situation to him and luckily he agreed to do that. He called me back a while later and said that he had taken care of it and that I didn’t have to go in tomorrow.
This should have brought me relief to no end, but I could not shake the feeling that there was something very wrong and that the sword of Damocles still hung over my head. I had taken a Temazepam to take care of my nerves, but it only seemed to help partially and I don’t want to take another one, because they make me feel groggy. I don’t like that drugged feeling unless there is no other solution.
I find myself in a position that I’m highly uncomfortable with what I’m sharing of myself with the world, as if it is going to be used against me. I’m suspicious of what each and everyone of you will do with the information you read here, that’s why I’m writing it down with the least amount of emotion. I’m also still afraid to go out the door and it was quite a battle to finally go and take the dog out. I don’t know what is out there that scares me so, but there you have it. I’m highly uncomfortable being here by myself and having nobody else here. I feel very vulnerable, as if I’m open to attack from unknown sources that lie in wait for me around the corner somewhere. I feel very vulnerable, that’s the main issue.
My psychiatrist said to try and increase my medication with half a tablet, so as not to get the erosion of feelings again. I’m going to try that in a little while. I hope it will do some good, because the way I feel now is no good. I harbor all sorts of suspicious feelings about all sorts of people. I’m second guessing their motivations. That’s what’s making me feel so scared. I don’t feel safe in this world anymore and I don’t know when the feeling will disappear. I’m still sane enough to doubt my feelings, but soon I will start believing them, like I already believe some of them, and then I’ll be far from home.
I needed to go to the tobacco shop, but was afraid to go, so now I have to use the can of tobacco crumbs that I have saved up. I don’t care, as long as I can make cigarettes. Tomorrow morning my sister and I will go grocery shopping and then I will buy tobacco.
I just took my medication including half a tablet of antipsychotics and we will soon see what happens. Like I said, they dissolve on your tongue and enter your system quickly, so I should notice something soon.
I did manage to sweep the living room floor and to mop it. I did the hard parts on my knees, where the dirt was very stubborn. That was in the places where furniture had stood. I have to do the kitchen floor tomorrow and do the bathroom floor as well. I don’t enjoy these jobs as they give me a backache, but once they are done there is a bit of satisfaction, especially when I got a bad spot out. I don’t care much about the apartment, but I’m going through the motions of getting it clean before Christmas. It’s all such a bother and I hardly care, but I feel I must make it look good for company. My older sister and my niece and her husband and daughter are supposed to come down here for the holidays, so I better have the place look good. Joost is coming after Christmas.
I feel I can’t write with the least amount of excitement. I may as well be a brain dead sack of potatoes sitting here behind the keyboard. Sometimes I just want to give up and not do it any longer. You know, participate in life. It seems like too much work and I don’t get anywhere. I’m tired of the ups and downs and the bad luck. I can try and be Pollyanna and see the bright side, but I can’t keep that up forever. Right now I just feel worn out. I couldn’t even change a light bulb today. I couldn’t get the darn thing screwed in.
The antipsychotic is working now. I may as well take the other half too. I don’t see much sense in just taking half a tablet. It seems like it wouldn’t be enough. Yes, I’m a stubborn patient. I don’t believe in suffering. I guess I believe in throwing caution to the wind.
Well, that’s enough of this pathetically written post. It’s one big lament, isn’t it? Allow me to have one of those too. I don’t know what else to do with myself. I can’t tell it to the animals. I really need a good therapy session or a slap up the head.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 