Archive for agoraphobia
>Without mentioning the obvious…
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>Walks!
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It was cold yesterday and in the morning it very briefly snowed. I dressed myself appropriately and at 7:30 took Tyke for a half hour walk. I was planning on going for a longer walk, but I had forgotten my gloves and after a while my fingers were freezing, so I had to go home again.
At 8:30 we walked to the tobacconist, me with my gloves on, and that’s when it snowed, much to my surprise. I was wearing a double layer of clothing, so I was warm enough, and I dropped off my purchases at home and continued on with Tyke in the cold for a longer walk. This time we walked for an hour on a route that I had not taken before and Tyke had a ball. There was so much to see and smell. We walked past the graveyard and the hardware store and over the path through the wild field and back through the old part of the neighborhood. There was no traffic where we walked, but luckily, Tyke understands the concept of a sidewalk and stays on it.
At 1 pm we went for another walk on another route we had not taken before in a totally different direction. We walked all the way to the children’s farm, which is like a petting zoo, but the animals are all penned up, so you can’t actually touch them. The first thing we saw on the path walking towards it were two big peacocks that got out of the way quickly when they saw Tyke, but Tyke was quite excited about them. Then we got to the meadow where the sheep were and Tyke stood in amazement at so many strange animals. There were more peacocks that moved to the top of their shelter when we got close and then we got to the chicken coops and Tyke was mesmerized by the chickens and the roosters that behaved just like they ought to have. They all clucked and the roosters strutted. Tyke thought it was great and we stood for some time watching them. Then we moved to the rabbit hutches which interested him not at all, and the horse which he thought was pretty neat. He was just a bit scared of it. He was not scared of the big ducks in the next meadow and wanted to chase them, but the ducks kept moving out of his range. They were very big ducks and would have made a nice meal. Peking duck… mmm! After that we circled our way back home and when we came back I saw that we had been gone for an hour and 15 minutes. So that was not bad.
You see how Tyke is getting me out of the house and into the world without me even realizing that he is. It happens without me thinking about it. I just do it. Before I know it I’m a few kilometers away from home. I do have to add that all these walks are followed by long naps on the sofa by the both of us and when we wake up he greets me as if he has not seen me for a long time. He’s so full of love.
It is now very early in the morning and it is snowing just a bit, but it is nothing to worry about because it will be 6C today and whatever stays on the ground now will melt. We’re going to have rain showers today and I hope there aren’t too many because I do want to go for more walks with Tyke. There are more routes we can take that we have not been on before. I want to take him to the woods that are a few kilometers from here where the pond is and where dogs are allowed off their leash. I’m not going to let him off his leash yet, but it’s a nice walk, albeit somewhat muddy at this time of the year.
Well, I’m going to sleep some more.It’s too early to stay up. You all have a good day!
Ciao,
Nora
>Here we go again!
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I just took Jesker for a walk around the block and although he walked slowly and stumbled once, he did a good job and much better than I had expected him to. The good part was that he asked for his walk himself. He sat beside me me his big questioning eyes and was more than ready to go when I got up. He had to do a tiny little poop, which is not surprising when you consider that he has hardly eaten anything lately. Today he did eat some canned food and after his walk he ate his treat. He’s also back to trying to dig holes into the area rug to make a comfortable place to lie down in. So I would say that he’s getting better. There is the worrying fact that he’s drinking a lot of water and this could possibly point to diabetes, but I hope it’s a side effect from the medicine, because he’s not peeing a lot. It’s something I have to keep an eye on this week and take him to the vet for if it doesn’t change.
I’m back to having bad agoraphobia and being unable to go anywhere and I have had to cancel both my appointment with my SPN and with my psychiatrist. I was supposed to go to the post office today and also pick up some milk and a birthday card, but I was unable to do it. I fretted about it a lot and was in a huge quandary about it and felt bad about not doing it, but in the end I had no choice. The Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow and I’m going to ask him to do it for me instead. No doubt it has to do with not going out all that time while Jesker was sick. That got me used to being inside a lot and not being out there. It is an irrational fear. I feel safe inside, especially at night. I also feel safer outside at night. At least then I know what to be scared of.
The book I’m reading (Sullivan’s Island) is a thorn in my side. I’m not sure if it’s bad enough to stop reading, but it is not good enough to make me enthusiastic about it. It is not something that I especially look forward to. I feel like I’m reading someone’s dramatized memoirs and I don’t enjoy that. I don’t know what is fact or fiction and I wonder how much of the book reflects her own life. I suppose in this case it would help if I knew a little bit of background about her so I could dispel the notion that I’m getting an intimate look into her life. I suppose I should Google her and see what I can find out about her. That might be helpful (I looked, it hasn’t been helpful yet). I think I may do what I thought I would not, and that is stop reading that book. It’s not what I had expected of it. I need to sink my teeth into something heftier.
I’m going to put my pajamas on and have something to eat. I haven’t had dinner yet, but I haven’t been hungry yet up to this point. Sometimes I feel full all day long from having eaten breakfast. I will watch TV for a while if there is anything worthwhile on. If not, I’m off to bed with a Kingsolver. Animal Dreams, I think.
Ciao,
Nora
>Yes, we have no bananas…
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It’s snowing again, but it’s the kind of snow that’s almost rain, or frozen mist. It’s very pretty, though, and when I walked in it with the dog it made my coat all white. I saw people trying to clear paths in front of their houses, but some aren’t too bright and leave big heaps of snow on the sidewalk, forcing you to walk in the street, which is very slippery. They don’t get a medal for snow clearing. They get penalties. I just haven’t decided what they are yet.
I was supposed to go to the post office today, but wild horses couldn’t drag me there, and I have decided to go there on Wednesday when I also have to go see my SPN. Having decided that, my rate of anxiety dropped considerably and I could breathe normally again. It is such a relief to know that I won’t have to go out there today, but just to walk the dog. Knowing that I have to go on Wednesday is causing me enough anxiety, but I can push that aside for now. There’s no need to make myself crazy about that today.
My neighbor across the street is doing a real good job clearing a path. He means business. He gets right down to the pavement and throws all the snow far away from the path he’s cleared. That will make it easier to walk there with the dog. Another place less to break my neck.
I slept in very late this morning, and after I had been up for a while, I had the audacity to go back to bed and sleep until one pm. I had a cup of coffee and took the dog for a walk and he was very grateful. He had only been out back to piddle. I do have the most patient dog in the world and he just waits for me to get my act together whenever. I was going to say, while he sits there with his legs crossed, but it isn’t as bad as all that. He just goes to sleep until I’m ready, but during the final minutes he’s very alert and he watches me like a hawk.
The path that my neighbor cleared has been covered with snow already and my neighbor has given up and gone back inside. I didn’t think he would give up that easily. I thought he was more stubborn than that.
The trash people did come by today and so did the green bin people, so some things are happening just like they are supposed to. The recyclable paper people didn’t come by on Saturday. They must have been discouraged by all the new snow that had fallen.
It’s snowing very hard now and everything is getting covered up by a new layer. All the footprints are getting wiped out. I like that, because it is easier to walk on the snow than on the icy layer that’s underneath it. Some people sweep away the snow but leave the icy layer underneath and you take your life in your own hands when you walk there. Some people have no sense. They don’t deserve a medal for snow clearing either and they get a red card.
I’m waiting for the day when I’ll get over my inertia and over my agoraphobia. When suddenly those things will no longer be a problem for me. It has happened in the past that I woke up in the morning and that they had disappeared as snow for the sun and I’m waiting for that to happen again. It’s like a switch gets flipped inside my head and suddenly I’m on the other side of the spectrum. I long for that day to come, when I’ll have courage again and passion. I’m living a very low key life right now and am just going through the motions of being alive and doing only the most basic things. The most active I am is on the computer, because I can focus my mind on one singular activity and cut myself off from the world around me, except for the dog, of course, who comes to be petted regularly. He forces me to pay attention to him.
Other than that, it’s not much. I barely remember to water the plants. Only when I see the dire need they are in do I think of it and then I forget about it again some time later. They will probably die, unless they are very forgiving. You see, I have a terrible attitude. The nodule on my throat has gotten bigger and I suppose I have to go to the doctor for that. I don’t know if I should worry about that. I have to do two loads of laundry and they are just sitting there waiting for me to do them.
Well, I’ll try not to be so negative and look at things from a more optimistic point of view. I am sitting here with a delicious glass of juice and a very good tasting cigarette. These are the little pleasures of life. Another pleasure is that it’s almost time for dinner and that the news will be on in a while and I can see what kind of chaos the weather caused in the rest of the country, not that that is a pleasure, of course, but it is a form of entertainment. Nobody I know is out on the road making a long journey and is stuck in traffic. You have to count your blessings.
Alright. I’m going to turn on the television and get ready for the news. My dog is being restless. I don’t know what he wants. We have been out and now he’s trying to dig a hole in the linoleum. I think his old age is getting to him.
Have a good rest of the day!
Ciao,
Nora
>So early in the morning, tra la la…
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I’m sitting here with my bathrobe and my slippers on being cold and it isn’t really cold in here at all, it is just the suggestion of cold, because it is so cold and snowy outside. It’s -6C and snowing and I just let Jesker out back for a piddle and it was freezing! Well, of course, it’s -6C.
I haven’t had enough sleep yet and shortly I will go back to bed, but I had to get up for a while and have some coffee and my cigarettes and sit here very cozily behind the computer, as is my habit in the morning. I went to bed late last night, because I wasn’t paying attention to what time it was and it got away from me and before I knew it, it was late and past my bedtime. I like to be in bed by 10 o’clock at the latest, but it was well after 11 before I got under the covers last night. Then I woke up at 4:30 this morning and thought I was done sleeping. Well, I’m not, obviously, but I am going to take my medicines and have some breakfast first and then get back under the duvet. I’m looking forward to that already.
I got my card swap package all ready to go. I’ve put together quite a package of cards and papers, both old and new. I have a whole collection of old postcards that I could chose from and I picked out the prettiest ones. I also put in new cards and pretty papers to use for collages. This is the first time I have participated in a swap, so it is a whole new terrain for me and I have to figure out how to best do it. I’ll see when I get my package how it’s best done. I’m very curious to see what will be in it.
I think today I will get the photo agendas. I’m kind of counting on it. If I get them on time, I may be able to walk to the post office, if not, I will have to wait until next week. I have found out that walking somewhere is easier than riding my bike. I feel less vulnerable. I suppose that I feel like less of a target. There was a time when I used to walk into downtown several times a week. Maybe I will be able to do that again. I would take the bus, but it’s too expensive. I could take the bus part of the way there and then walk the rest of the way. I’ll see. Walking would be good for me.
I’ve gotten three mooched books in the mail in the past two days and have to find room for them on the bookcase. They are so nice looking and come from very caring owners. The kind that don’t break the spine of a book. Toby has gotten in the habit of sleeping in the bottom cubicle of the bookcase behind a row of books. I keep empty envelopes there and he likes to sleep on top of them with the result that he knocks the books over. I will have to pack them in so tightly that he won’t be able to do that anymore. Ha, there’s a method to my madness. I like to pack the books in tightly, so they will stay in place, right on the edge and I won’t have to dust there. Believe me, I always have a lot of dust and less than enough interest in dusting. Sometimes I get very industrious and move all the books and clean the whole bookcase, but that only happens a few times a year.
Well, now I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and go back to bed for a few more hours sleep. I feel in my bones that I need to do that. I will be full of happiness when I wake up again.
Have a good morning.
Ciao,
Nora
>Whichever way the wind blows.
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It should have been a day like any other, but it wasn’t. I didn’t start the day out right, in that I did not feel good when I got up. I did not feel my normal cheerful self and after I walked the dog and ate my breakfast, I went to bed and slept a few more hours, thereby missing my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was not good, of course. I had called in sick. In reality I had a case of agoraphobia, which did not bide well for tomorrow when I had an appointment with my contact person at Social Services and already that was hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles.
After I got up from my extra sleep, I did not feel better, but very nervous and stressed and I decided to call my psychiatrist and fess up my lie and ask him for help with my appointment for the coming day. He thought my agoraphobia might be a result of my decreasing my medication. I told him about the great problem that I had with going to Socials Services and asked him to call my contact person and explain my situation to him and luckily he agreed to do that. He called me back a while later and said that he had taken care of it and that I didn’t have to go in tomorrow.
This should have brought me relief to no end, but I could not shake the feeling that there was something very wrong and that the sword of Damocles still hung over my head. I had taken a Temazepam to take care of my nerves, but it only seemed to help partially and I don’t want to take another one, because they make me feel groggy. I don’t like that drugged feeling unless there is no other solution.
I find myself in a position that I’m highly uncomfortable with what I’m sharing of myself with the world, as if it is going to be used against me. I’m suspicious of what each and everyone of you will do with the information you read here, that’s why I’m writing it down with the least amount of emotion. I’m also still afraid to go out the door and it was quite a battle to finally go and take the dog out. I don’t know what is out there that scares me so, but there you have it. I’m highly uncomfortable being here by myself and having nobody else here. I feel very vulnerable, as if I’m open to attack from unknown sources that lie in wait for me around the corner somewhere. I feel very vulnerable, that’s the main issue.
My psychiatrist said to try and increase my medication with half a tablet, so as not to get the erosion of feelings again. I’m going to try that in a little while. I hope it will do some good, because the way I feel now is no good. I harbor all sorts of suspicious feelings about all sorts of people. I’m second guessing their motivations. That’s what’s making me feel so scared. I don’t feel safe in this world anymore and I don’t know when the feeling will disappear. I’m still sane enough to doubt my feelings, but soon I will start believing them, like I already believe some of them, and then I’ll be far from home.
I needed to go to the tobacco shop, but was afraid to go, so now I have to use the can of tobacco crumbs that I have saved up. I don’t care, as long as I can make cigarettes. Tomorrow morning my sister and I will go grocery shopping and then I will buy tobacco.
I just took my medication including half a tablet of antipsychotics and we will soon see what happens. Like I said, they dissolve on your tongue and enter your system quickly, so I should notice something soon.
I did manage to sweep the living room floor and to mop it. I did the hard parts on my knees, where the dirt was very stubborn. That was in the places where furniture had stood. I have to do the kitchen floor tomorrow and do the bathroom floor as well. I don’t enjoy these jobs as they give me a backache, but once they are done there is a bit of satisfaction, especially when I got a bad spot out. I don’t care much about the apartment, but I’m going through the motions of getting it clean before Christmas. It’s all such a bother and I hardly care, but I feel I must make it look good for company. My older sister and my niece and her husband and daughter are supposed to come down here for the holidays, so I better have the place look good. Joost is coming after Christmas.
I feel I can’t write with the least amount of excitement. I may as well be a brain dead sack of potatoes sitting here behind the keyboard. Sometimes I just want to give up and not do it any longer. You know, participate in life. It seems like too much work and I don’t get anywhere. I’m tired of the ups and downs and the bad luck. I can try and be Pollyanna and see the bright side, but I can’t keep that up forever. Right now I just feel worn out. I couldn’t even change a light bulb today. I couldn’t get the darn thing screwed in.
The antipsychotic is working now. I may as well take the other half too. I don’t see much sense in just taking half a tablet. It seems like it wouldn’t be enough. Yes, I’m a stubborn patient. I don’t believe in suffering. I guess I believe in throwing caution to the wind.
Well, that’s enough of this pathetically written post. It’s one big lament, isn’t it? Allow me to have one of those too. I don’t know what else to do with myself. I can’t tell it to the animals. I really need a good therapy session or a slap up the head.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 