Archive for naps

>No complaints…

>

I can’t complain about the weather. It’s cold and foggy right now, but at least it’s not raining. Today it’s only going to be partially cloudy and there will be sunshine and it’s about time after all those gray skies. So, that’s not something to be grumpy about. I would be grumpy if it were raining again because, although I like the rain, I don’t like it non stop for a week. I crave some sunshine and so does the eczema on my head. It has been bothering me especially with the damp and cold weather.
I’m drinking coffee with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone. It only tastes somewhat bad. It would be worse if I had no creamer at all and had to drink it black, so I have to count my blessings. I can’t wait to have milk in the refrigerator, but the Exfactor will be here today to do the grocery shopping and there will be lots of milk soon. I can then indulge in it to my heart’s content. I have the Exfactor buy as much milk as he can carry and as his arm and leg muscles can handle on the bike without falling over. He is a very strong and wiry man, so he can carry a lot of milk.
I still have lemonade left so when I’m thirsty, I drink that, though it is not nearly as good as a glass of cold milk. Still, it quenches my thirst and has a decent enough taste and it’s better than drinking coffee all the time, although I do enough of that too. I think I drink the coffee to offset the somewhat sedating effects of the medicines that I still take and I will be very happy when I’ve completely cut down on them and I know what is just me needing sleep and what was the effect of the medication. I very often need naps and I think I’m too young to start that kind of nonsense. I’m not an old lady yet.
I have to go see both my SPN and my psychiatrist today. I hope I make a good enough impression on my psychiatrist so that he will agree to cut down the anti-depressives some more. I’ve only got to reduce them two more times before I’m off them completely and today would be one of those times. I think I can convince him to give it a try. I’m doing well, so there’s no reason not to.
I will go back to bed now for a few more hours of sleep. I will listen to the radio until I drift off. It’s always very cozy in bed when I go back for the second time. It’s when I get my best rest and my most interesting dreams.
Have a good day.
Ciao,
Nora

>Getting caught up…

>

Because of the long sleepless night I had last night, during which I searched for new blog templates for all my blogs and installed them, I was left short of sleep and it took many naps today to get me caught up again. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not and nodded off behind the computer. Now I finally have the feeling that I’m done sleeping.

I just took Tyke for a walk in the stormy weather and the brisk wind woke me up completely. The nice cup of coffee I’m having is doing the rest. When I first woke up from my last nap, I was in a terrible mood and I knew I would have to make some coffee, despite the lateness of the day. I was right and the first cup helped improve my mood tremendously. I could think happy thoughts again.

I think I was actually in a hypo-manic mood during the night, so those of you who were concerned, were rightly so. Luckily, I was tired enough today for it not to continue and sleeping took care of it. I’ll have to see how it goes tonight and if I manage to go to bed on time and stay asleep. I have the feeling that I’m going to be up for a while and that I’m not going to see my bed before midnight. I will put my pajamas on before that time, so that I will at least be ready to go when the time comes.  

I took Tyke out for a walk at the right time, because now the rain is lashing against the windows again and it is very stormy. It has been all day, because we are in a low pressure system that is spread over Western Europe. The weather has been horrid and I’ve had to turn on the heater part of the day. Luckily, it is now nice and warm in here and I’ve turned it off. Once it is warm in here, it stays warm for a long time. That was so awful this summer, but it is nice in the wintertime. 

Tomorrow it’s Friday again. Can you believe it? Where did the week go? I can’t sleep during the day tomorrow, because I have the personal helper and the domestic help coming. I must sleep during the night. I have to do some chores in the morning too, but maybe I can do those with my personal helper, although I need her help with filling out a form. I will never get that done if we don’t sit down together and do that. It’s a case of mental block on my part. 
Onward I go. I must answer emails. 
Have a good evening.
Ciao,
Nora

>Rites of passage.

>

It’s officially Saturday, although you can’t really speak of morning yet. It’s still in the middle of the night, but by the time I finish writing this, it will be so close to dawn that it will be almost morning. I’m glad that it’s officially Saturday, because I feel that I can go back to bed at any time and sleep until I’m done sleeping and ready to get up again, although it may not actually take me that long.

Since I’ve quit smoking, I’ve started taking short naps during the day and they help me get through the occasional craving I may have for a cigarette, so I’m never really super tired and I’m done sleeping quickly. I also spend a lot of time reading to take my mind of cigarettes, so I don’t exactly get exhausted from physical activity. Reading is my main activity and it works very well to keep me occupied, but it’s not very tiring.

I think I take naps to relieve my mind of the thoughts of smoking and because it’s a distraction to lie in bed and listen to the radio and doze off for a short time. I just as easily get up again and move to my armchair to continue reading.

I think the period of quitting smoking is a huge time out from regular life and it is a period during which nothing is quite as normal as it usually is. It is a time of coping and waiting. You wait for your body to forget the actual habit of cigarette smoking. I still have the tendency to want to light up a cigarette and I’m waiting for that to dissipate and disappear altogether. I don’t want that to be part of my second nature anymore. I don’t want it to be an automatic reaction to any given situation, innocent as it is, rewarding as it might have been.

I know that in time my body and my mind will forget about this habit and it will not be second nature anymore. I will get used to not subconsciously wanting to reach for a cigarette and my lighter. I can already drink a cup of coffee without associating it with the need to smoke. Which is good, because I need my cups of coffee.

Every once in a while, though, a very strong urge to smoke hits me and I’m ready to go to my neighbor and beg for a cigarette. Pride and a dislike for my neighbor withhold me from doing so. They are nosy enough as it is. Besides, that would be one cigarette and I would still have to do without the rest of the time and it wouldn’t help me one bit. It would just be a very temporary satisfaction.

I finished reading ‘When We Were Orphans’ last night and was very much impressed with it. The ending was especially exciting and very surprising and not at all what I was expecting. It was such a well written book and so very much believable that you started to think it had really happened, but of course it was impossible, but it is the hallmark of a great book and I wonder about the author’s research for it. This is the kind of novel that will stay in my memory for a long time.

I started reading ‘Man Walks Into Room’ by Nicole Krauss. I’ve read this book before, but it was in a muddled past and I have forgotten nearly all of it, so it’s like reading a new book. I’m looking forward very much to finishing it, because I remember enjoying it very much before and being impressed with it and I will read it all day today, unless I get distracted by the television. There are some cultural programs on this morning, so maybe…

My apartment is very clean, as the domestic help was here yesterday and it also seems to stay cleaner since I’ve quit smoking. There’s less dust and no ashes and tobacco and the whole place looks better. I told the domestic help that whatever she cleaned well now would stay clean and there would not be that brown film on everything. She’s been cleaning with ammoniac to get that off everything. She’s a smoker herself and that’s how she cleans at home. The one that comes on Monday also did a good job and that’s the day I quit, so it made a difference from that day onward.

I think I will go back to bed for a little while and listen to the radio and see if I have any sleep left in me. I will find out soon enough if I’m done sleeping and if I should start the day officially now. According to Tyke it’s not time yet, because he’s sound asleep on the sofa. Gandhi is sound asleep in the armchair. It’s still early in the morning and I haven’t heard a sound yet outside. It’s even too early for the paper delivery person.

I hope you all have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

>Doing what comes natural…

>

Because I was bored stiff yesterday evening, and there was nothing interesting on television, I took my book and a glass of milk and went to bed at 8:30. I read for a little while, but even though it was still light outside, I was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. Needless to say, I woke up four hours later, wide awake and ready to get up again. It seems that four hours of sleep are all I can manage at one time. Doubtlessly that is because my sleeping pill stops working after that much time and that’s what wakes me up form my artificially induced slumber. I’m probably not tired enough to sleep through the night, having taken naps during the day. There, that’s a good analysis of that problem. Now I won’t worry about that anymore.

Now I’m sitting here drinking a tall glass of milk after having had 2 cups of coffee. I’m about to have another one, because it tastes so good and makes my stomach feel full. There’s no need to eat after drinking that much milk.

A few days ago I ordered a summer dress on line for half price. It arrived yesterday. It is very flattering and I ordered it in a size bigger than I usually wear because my size was not available. Because it’s such a loose fitting dress, that’s not so obvious and it fits nice and comfortably, which makes me think that it’s may be better to wear loose fitting dresses in a bigger size. It hides all my bits and bumps and I can wear it with a pair of leggings. I like myself in it. I was buying tighter fitting dresses in a smaller size, but always very conscious of my body and I am not in this dress. To celebrate that bit of newly gained wisdom, I have ordered two more dresses and another pair of leggings and a pair of harem pants that I can also wear in the wintertime. I figured I deserved that much. It’s a kind deed I’ve done for myself.

Since I think I don’t do enough kind deeds for myself, I think I am entitled to one every now and then. I hardly ever spend any money on myself. I don’t do anything for myself that costs money, except go to the hairdresser every six weeks or so to get my hair cut. I don’t go out for meals, I don’t go to the movies, I don’t go to the museum, I don’t take the bus. All I do is pinch pennies. I always think of what else I can do with every euro I spend. I guess I get real tired of denying myself things all of the time. That’s why this time I said, “To hell with it,” and ordered the things I wanted.

Now I’m going back to bed. I feel that I can sleep some more. There is the lure of the book and the lure of the soft pillows and the duvet.

Have a happy Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

>Interludes.

>

I’m not ready to go to bed yet. I want to stay up and sit here in the quiet night a while longer and enjoy the company of the sleeping animals. Tyke is curled up in the arm chair and Gandhi is lying on the sofa. Toby is stretched out on the kitchen counter.

Of course, the moment I wrote that down, they all woke up and demanded attention. The cats wanted kibbles and milk and Tyke wanted to go out back and have a rawhide chewy. I took care of that and everyone is settled down again. They went back to their same places and seem very comfortable. I think they’re in it for the long haul now.

I stood by the back door in my skimpy sun dress and enjoyed the very cool night air. It felt so good on my bare skin and I wished for it to be that way during the day. It’s the wrong time of year to wish for that, though. Nowadays we always have hot summers. That’s got to do with the climate change. I would like to live somewhere where the summers are cool and the winters are mild. Can anyone tell me of such a place?

We had a tiny little thunderstorm this afternoon and two and a half drops of rain fell. It was not the shower we had looked forward to. It was a cool enough day, so that was a blessing, but despite the fact that I had all the windows open, I could not get it cooled down enough in the apartment. It is still warm in here now. It’s too bad that I can only leave the top windows open on a crack during the night, because it doesn’t help much. Barely any cool air comes in.

The usual suspects showed up today. The Exfactor and my personal helper and the domestic help. The weekend started properly for me when everyone was gone in the afternoon. I’m blessed with the help, but I’m also happy when I’m on my own again. I was left with an easy mind and a clean apartment and took a nap on the sofa. That was my way of getting ready for the weekend.

No doubt I’ll be taking a lot of naps. My sleep schedule is screwed up again and I’m sleeping at odd times. I have to try and get some order into it, but I can’t seem to manage the self discipline it requires. I’m like a man in a cave without daylight who makes up his own schedule. I’m almost ignoring daylight and nighttime and I’m sleeping when I feel like it, although I do try to be more mobile during the day. It’s when I have to walk the dog.

I had a big bowl of porridge for dinner and my stomach is very bloated and I have a lot of gas. I look like I’m about to deliver a baby. I hardly eat wheat products anymore and I wonder if I tolerate them at all. The only wheat product I really eat is porridge and I eat it once in a while. I always have the same reaction to it. I think I better stick to fresh fruit for roughage. The fruit juice also has a lot of pulp in it. I think I’m ready for another basket of strawberries and maybe some mandarin oranges. I’ll have to send the Exfactor to the Turkish fruit and vegetable man when he’s here next.

I’ve just taken my sleep medication, so I’ll end this epistle and wish for sleep. I hope you all have a nice night and a good morning when you wake up.

Ciao,

Nora

>Happy on a Saturday…

>

For a change, I slept the whole night again. That was such a nice thing to happen. No waking up in the very wee hours of the morning and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I could tell by the way the trees cast shadows on the blind that it was a decent time to get up. I made sure I was all done sleeping, in case there was something left in my body, but then Tyke snuggled very close and made breathing almost impossible so I had to get up. He does have all that woolly fur that gets in your nose and your mouth.

So, now I’m sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I’m slowly getting myself together. I watched a wonderfully gruesome “Silent Witness” last night and I’m surprised that I wasn’t scared to go to bed and sleep on my own. I guess I don’t scare as easily as I thought. As soon as the program was over, I put all thought of it out of my head. And when I say gruesome, I really mean it.

Yesterday was a nice day. The weather was warm, though there was a pleasant breeze, and the sun was shining all day. Tyke and I ended the day by going to my sister’s garden and watering all the potted plants there. All the plants looked good, though, and they don’t seem to have suffered from the hot weather. All the blossoms were lively and bright.

The day started with a visit from the Exfactor and he was kind enough to go to the store and buy me some ice cream. Oh yum, that was so delicious, but I don’t want anymore now, because it’s very dangerous to have in the freezer. When I know it’s there, I hear it call my name. I have no self control at all. I’m an ice cream addict and I better not have it around me. It will cause me to gain a kilo or two. I should never have food in the apartment that I like a lot.

My personal helper got here next and while she was here I cleaned out two drawers of the dresser and found numerous photographs of whose existence I did not know. It means that I will have to get several photo albums. Well, several may not do it. Quite a few, actually. It depends on the kind I get. I threw some things away too in a trash bag that I will add to as I clean out the rest of the drawers. At least I know what’s in the first two drawers now. I simplified the contents quite a bit. I even found some pieces of embroidery that I can work on when I get in that mood again. I had quite forgotten about them and haven’t done that kind of work in a long time.

The personal helper and I took Tyke for a walk in the warm sunshine and she tried her best to keep up with us. I have to make sure Tyke doesn’t walk too fast. He walks through the tall bits of grass and weeds and is always covered by pollen, but I seem to be over my allergies completely and am not bothered the least bit.

Just as the personal helper was about to leave, the domestic help got here and merrily set off to work with a bucket of suds. She spent a lot of time cleaning what I thought was a clean bathroom and then told me that the bathroom was coming along well. She must know something I don’t and see dirt that I don’t see. I always clean up after myself real well when I have showered or used the wash basin. I think I leave the bathroom behind spotlessly, but I guess I don’t. She then dusted the apartment and hoovered and mopped the floors and was one whir of activity. I feel her back ache when I see her at work. She’s amazing.

Today I have to do the dishes and hang up a load of laundry to dry and possibly change my bed. I do want to start using that new washing powder as soon as possible, but I have to use up the old one first. Waste not, want not. If I change my bed, I’ll have another load of laundry to do and I can hang it up outside to dry. That brings me closer to using the new washing powder. Oh, for Pete’s sake. I’ll just use it anyway and throw out the old one. There’s just a little bit left. Things you can get worried about, really. Talk about taking it to an extreme.

Alright, that’s all settled then. I’m putting clean sheets on the bed and that will be nice for tonight. Yesterday afternoon I took a nap on the sofa. It was very pleasant, but I worried about not being able to sleep at night. Well, I need not have worried about that, because I slept very well. I think I will have another nap this afternoon. I feel in my bones that there is one coming up. Never let it be said that you can have enough sleep on any given day. There’s always a good time for a nap. Eight hours of sleep is not enough. I need at least two more.

Have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora

>An encore…

>
I took two 2 hour naps today, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I just woke up from the one in the afternoon, so I guess it was really one in the early evening. After the one in the morning, I wasn’t sufficiently done sleeping to really start the day right. I had claimed here that I was so clear and levelheaded in the morning when I first got up, but after I walked Tyke, I realized how tired I still was and laid down on the sofa for a nap. I should have just gone back to bed for a proper sleep.I don’t know why I thought that was improper for some reason, as if I was not supposed to lie in bed during the day.

My SPN called me after I had sent her the email about my grouchiness and the Welbutrin and told me not to make any changes in my medicines for 3 weeks so that I will stabilize and that they will be able to see then which medicine can be reduced or taken away completely. I begrudgingly made that promise, because 3 weeks is a long time to be grouchy, but I’m not it nonstop all day long so I guess I can live with that. You’ll probably notice it in my posts when I am, though, and pay me no mind.

I walked to my sister’s house in the afternoon with Tyke for some cappuccinos. My sister’s dog is getting used to Tyke’s enthusiasm, but doesn’t quite want Tyke to have his toys yet. So he collects them under the table and guards them. They are doing better all the time and Tyke is learning to give Quinto his space and not to be too pushy. Quinto was used to Jesker and they got along well and now he has to get used to this little curious fellow who wants to be right there the whole time and be wherever he is. They’ll work it out.

When I came back, I hung out on the computer for a while, but it was clear that I needed more sleep, so I laid down on the sofa again and was soon sound asleep once more. I’m just going to have to give into these urges to sleep during the day, because I am in a much better mood if I do and it doesn’t seem to make that much difference with how much I sleep at night.

My template is back and I hope you can all read the font better on the white background. I have no way to enlarge it. You may all have to get reading glasses. Don’t worry, I’ve got them too. There’s no stigma attached to it. This is not the original watercolor template that I started out with, this is a new one in effort to get any template to show up at all. I can’t find the unzip file with the watercolor template in it just now, but if I run into it, I will reinstall it, although I quite like this one too. I will go have a look for the other one in a minute. Maybe it is retrievable.

I need a tall glass of milk, so that’s what I’m going to get. Have a good evening you all.

Ciao,
Nora

>Midnight…

>
What better time to sit down and write a post than at midnight when everybody else has gone to bed and the neighborhood is silent and the world around me seems to be at peace? That is, my own little piece of the world. I’m well aware of the fact that the world at large is not at peace at all, but I don’t want to depress myself by thinking about how much of this is actually true, so I’ll skip over that whole discussion and stick to my own little corner of it. I feel quite helpless at the moment to do anything about the world’s larger problems and conflicts. Well, I usually do. I find recycling hard enough to do.

I napped a lot today. This was to offset yesterday when I didn’t nap as much and was busy doing chores and other important things. It was also to make up for that half a night of sleep I missed. I napped in the morning, the afternoon and the evening on the sofa with the TV on for company. I’m quite good at sleeping with the TV on and incorporate the sound into my dreams. Of course, it’s not normal the amount of sleeping I do during the day. I seem to exist in a constant state of sleepiness, but I blame that on the medications and you all know my decision about those.

It seems to me that sometimes I am more than frank in my posts and afterwards it bothers me to no end that I was. I think there is such a thing as sharing too much of yourself and maybe sometimes I cross the line. I seem to get into a delirium and unload whatever is on my mind, however intimate my thoughts are. I don’t delete these posts afterwards, because by then I have usually already received comments on them and it seems cowardly to pretend that I haven’t written them. That’s the danger of blogging like you write a diary. You put your thoughts out there and hope for the best, but I have yet to receive a nasty remark and I owe that to the kindness of my readers.

My own discomfort, though, does want me to moderate my words, but I know in the end that I will share my life with you again when I feel the need to unload, because I find that writing about it here is after all the best therapy. It helps me put my thoughts in order and get my priorities straight.

——————-

In the meantime it is morning, because I had to go to sleep after I wrote all of the above. I’m having my first cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine. Definitely worthy of a repeat.

I seem to be filled with some amount of quiet despair and I have to try and find out where it comes from. I think it has to do with me going to quit my medications and the daunting task that is going to be, because I’m not at all naive enough to think it’s going to be easy. I suppose what bothers me is that I have not had a chance to discuss this with my SPN and my psychiatrist and I won’t be able to properly until March the 11th when I have an appointment with both of them together. I see my SPN before that, but only for a half hour appointment and I won’t have much time to explain my point of view to her. That’s always very frustrating.

I’m just thinking that I can send her an email explaining my take on things now, so that she will be prepared when she sees me on Tuesday. That may be a good idea, but even that fills me with a certain amount of dread, because how do you get such an idea across and sound sane and reasonable at the same time?

I’ve decided not to take the paracetamol with codeine anymore lest I get hooked on that. I was allowed to take it 4 times a day and was obediently popping those pills, but this morning I didn’t take one. I will only take one if it is absolutely necessary and I don’t think that it is right now. I won’t take them just because I’m allowed to. I can just see me developing a problem with those pills. I did take all of my other medications and won’t start reducing anything until I have properly discussed it with my psychiatrist. It’s tempting to start now, but I won’t do it.

I can breathe through my nose again and my throat is hardly sore. I’m really not coughing anymore, just occasionally, so I think I am much better. That antibiotic is working. As far as I’m concerned, I declare myself healed, though I will finish the antibiotic, of course.

Okay, I’m going to write that email now. I hope you all have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora

>Delete everything…

>
I’ve tried several times today to write a post, only to stop after a paragraph or two and to delete what I had written because I was unhappy with it. I turned off the computer each time and retreated to the sofa where I napped all day long in between attempts at writing a post. You all know that sleeping is my way of dealing with emotional upset, so I suppose this is my way of dealing with Jesker’s death, which really does bother me in many more ways than even I am consciously aware of. I guess I am in mourning.

I did make it to the tobacco shop and I brought Tyke with me, which was a treat, because it was hurry up and run to the next interesting place and stop suddenly by the succeeding good smelling spot. I had to hit the brakes many times or drag him with me against his will. He does provide recreational entertainment.

And here is where I freeze up and don’t know what else to write. A great tiredness falls over me and all I want to do is sleep and it seems like so much effort to keep on writing. So you’ll have to excuse me if this is all I write, because I’m not going to delete this also. I’m going to put on my pajamas an bathrobe and pretend it’s very late at night.

Ciao…

>Where have I been?

>
I didn’t realize it had been two days since I last posted until someone pointed it out to me. I have started many posts these past few days, only to delete them as being to depressing. I certainly don’t want to write unless I can see the glass half full and not empty the way I have been seeing it lately. So, I will try it again and find some amount of optimism in myself and try to complete this to my satisfaction.

I haven’t been doing a heck of a lot, but taking many naps on the sofa during which I have many interesting dreams. I don’t do anything in between these naps, but maybe walk the dog or make myself a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette. Then I lie down again and doze off. So I spend my day in an almost continuous state of sleep. I find it the most pleasant way to get through the day right now. It’s a way to escape the unbearable heaviness of being awake.

Being awake means facing all the things I find myself incapable of doing. The things I absolutely don’t have the energy for and the awful tiredness I feel constantly when I think about having to do these things. I seriously hope there’s something wrong with me physically that can be put to rights with some medication, because I don’t know what I’m going to do otherwise. I feel totally worn out.

Last night I went grocery shopping with my sister and it was almost more than I could bear. I felt like I had to run a marathon unprepared. When we arrived in the parking lot, I wanted to say to her to just take me home again, that I just couldn’t do it. Regardless, I got all the shopping done and then faced unpacking it at home and putting everything away with a dread. It all got done one way or the other, but I don’t want to go again until I feel better.

Something good happened yesterday too. Friend of the Bear sent me 8 books and they arrived yesterday. Yes, 8 books, under which A Room with a View, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie and The Birth of Venus by Sarah Dunant. Needless to say, this was a very welcome package and I couldn’t wait to unwrap it and look at the books and give them a place on my bookcase. I think I will read A Room with a View first.

Now I will go to bed and try to get some more sleep. I’ll see you all in the morning.

Ciao,
Nora