Archive for optimism

>Outside it’s raining…

February 26, 2011 at 5:07 pm · Filed under attitude, caffeine, cobwebs, food, gastric band, moods, nap, optimism, pleasures, rain, shower, the animals, weather

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I have to keep in mind that I’m an optimist otherwise I’d forget about it. I’m in search of my good mood because I just woke up from a nap. At this moment everything seems sort of dreary and dark, but that is doubtlessly also because of the gray and damp weather. The cobwebs that are still in my head from sleeping are adding their own shadows to my present outlook. 
I have made a cup of coffee and I’m counting on the caffeine getting me over this somber state of mind soon. It doesn’t do at all to sit around feeling burdened by pessimism. That’s not how I normally go through life and I think it doesn’t suit me at all. I’m not a doomsday thinker and I do always assume that every cloud has lots of silver linings. 
I always very much look forward to my nap in the afternoon, but I have to tell you that it’s a struggle to come back to life when I wake up from it again. The first few seconds I think I’m okay, but when it comes to functioning it’s a whole different story. Suddenly everything seems unsurmountable and I think I can’t make it through the rest of the day. 
Luckily, I know this is a temporary condition and I’m only momentarily fooled by it. I know I have to take action. I have to mentally point myself into a whole different direction and completely overhaul my attitude. And make myself some coffee.
That’s just what I’ve done and I’m already starting to feel better. I’ve even had something to eat. I mustn’t neglect my stomach and feed it on time. I can easily ignore hunger pangs and only feel them in my subconscious where they hardly register. I have to be really hungry before I realize it. Eating is not a big item on my agenda. It’s something I have to do to survive, but because of my gastric band, it’s not something I do with a lot of pleasure. 
It keeps raining and I still have to take Tyke out. I will have to choose an opportune moment when it’s not coming down too hard. Tyke is sitting in front of the window looking longingly outside. He wants to be out there very much. I don’t think he realizes how wet it is. I will have to let him out back first. 
Gandhi was out there for a little while, but came back in quickly. She’s a typical cat and dislikes getting wet. She has yet to enter the bathroom when I’m taking a shower, unlike Tyke who sticks his head around the curtain and licks up the soapy water.
Have a good evening, all of you. 
Ciao,
Nora

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>Silences and books…

February 5, 2011 at 4:27 am · Filed under books, culture, early morning, gastric band, Laurie Hertzel, optimism, Saturday, storm, vitamins, weather

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If you look at it optimistically, it’s very early in the morning, though that doesn’t mean that it’s anywhere near dawn. Of course, it’s still wintertime so the sun does get up late. If it were summertime, it would be different and the early birds would be twittering now. It is a sound I will welcome and not soon enough. There’s nothing happier than early morning bird song.
I’ve got hours of darkness left while I sit here and drink my coffee and try to amuse myself. I’ve just taken my vitamin pill while I thought of it and I will take my Omega 3 capsule when that huge vitamin pill has passed the narrow opening of my gastric band. The Omega 3 capsule is rather large too and I’m afraid to take both at the same time. I would hate to cause an obstruction while being especially mindful of my health.
It’s with some amount of pleasure that I welcome Saturday. Because it’s a weekend day, I will spend it as I like and have no schedule that looks like anything during the week. I will do some chores and walk the dog, but it will mostly be at my leisure. I will watch cultural programs on television and start reading a new book, because last night I finished reading the book that’s in my sidebar. 
I had read half of it and put it aside and never got around to finishing it. I picked it up last night and sat down in my armchair and did and with much pleasure too. I didn’t put it down until I was done with it and even forgot to watch the news. That’s saying something. It may be because I know Laurie Hertzel from her blog that I was especially interested in this book, but it was just plain good and fun to read.
I have a variety of novels on my bookcase to choose from, but I want to make the right choice, because I’m a picky reader right now and not just any old book is going to grab my attention and make me sit down long enough to finish it. It does have to be especially good and have many redeeming features. I have to have a good look at each one and choose carefully.
It’s still stormy outside and cloudy, but it’s not raining. It’s not going to be especially cold, but the gusts of wind make it feel colder than it is. It will be a good day to mostly stay inside and hunker down. At least we’re not having snow and ice or that terrible snow storm that the people in North America are having. Those are real extremes of weather that we don’t have to deal with. 
I hope you’ll all have a nice day!
Ciao,
Nora

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>Before the morning starts…

September 2, 2010 at 4:05 am · Filed under armchair, books, early morning, food, garden, gastric band, medication, optimism, pain, politics, radio, Tyke

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I’m up before it’s even dawn and no doubt this will necessitate me going back to bed sometime today to sleep some more, but never mind. I do have the time to do that. I have no appointments and no one coming over. It’s a free day. I will go back to bed when I feel that I can’t stand on my two legs anymore and that I will fall asleep while I’m doing whatever chores I find to do. In the bedroom the radio is softly playing, so I can go back to it whenever I please.

I didn’t sleep for a long time. I had to go to the toilet and let Tyke out back and then I was so wide awake that I stayed up. I’m always so full of curiosity and action when I get up at that time. It’s like I can’t wait to start the day and wait for the sun to come up to shed light on it. I’m too impatient to stay in bed, no matter how nice and comfortable it was in there. I’m definitely an early morning person.

If I had a garden, I would be out there first thing with my cup of coffee and do whatever I could to make it look better. Pinch off dead flowers, remove dead leaves, pick out snails, admire my handiwork. I’m going to fertilize the soil of my flowerbeds next spring and plant shade loving plants there, never mind that Tyke will probably pee on them. I’m an optimist and assume that most of them will survive. I will pick hardy plants that can take a beating.

The peanut butter sandwiches worked out well. I can eat one if I cut off all the crusts and feed those to Tyke who gladly eats them up. One is just enough and then I’m full, but I savor each bite and I can eat again a couple of hours later. I forgot how good peanut butter tastes and how well fresh wheat bread tastes. It’s a pure luxury to eat those things and I’m in 7th heaven when I do. I have a glass of cold milk to go with it and it is very good, though I can hardly finish it. The gastric band does restrict me and that’s a good thing, because I would have many peanut butter sandwiches if it didn’t. I do have a tendency to find my solace in food and now I can’t. I just have to be creative with the foods that I can eat and find ways to get full and get my nutrition.

Yesterday afternoon I sat in my armchair by the light of the reading lamp with a tall glass of milk and read my novel. To make myself more comfortable, I had the armrest pillow of the sofa at my side so I could lean against it. I had put a pillowcase around it that fit it perfectly and matched the decor. The pillow is always picking up cat hair and Tyke likes to toss it to the ground so it gets dirty easily. I have to find the matching pillowcase for the other pillow. I’ll have to dig into the closet where I’m sure it is. My complimentary colors are red and yellow.

I read my novel and I’m sure caught up in it. There is a terrible secret in it that’s bound to be revealed in the end and we are slowly being led to the revelation, but not without there growing a terrible misunderstanding. This evolves out of a sense of shame and madness. Actually, you get the sense that one of the main characters of the book is really a terrible woman and that she must be very mad indeed, but I suppose I will understand it better in the end. I don’t feel a lot of compassion for her as yet. She irritates me terribly and I find little excuse for her behavior. But that’s me looking at it with my 21st century eyes. The novel takes place in the early part of the 20th century when norms and peoples’ motivations were different.

The formation of our government is at risk. That’s a good thing because the coalition that’s trying to be formed is a very faulty one in my eyes and in the eyes of many other people as well. It would be a coalition to the right with the support of an extreme right party. Now there is some serious backlash from the members of one of the coalition partners who say that you can’t seriously govern with that extreme right party and stick to the principles of the constitution. There is a crisis. It seems that nobody, including the queen, ever took the attempt at this coalition seriously and didn’t think it would go as far as it did. Unfortunately, power hungry people did and are very eager to rule the country and be prime minister. A dangerous game was played and now we have the almost disastrous results. These are grown up boys playing at politics and seeing themselves as very important people. I think it is very risky and they need to be stopped. I hope and pray for a good outcome.

I seem to have pulled a muscle in my shoulder and it won’t stop hurting. I think I need a good massage, but I don’t know anybody close by who could give me one. I may try some pain medication and see if that will relax it some, because it tightens up the muscles in my neck too. There’s always some ache or pain somewhere in my body. Well no, I shouldn’t say that. Sometimes there is. I’m sure everybody else has the same problem. It’s just a result of living and being a human being. My back recovered well and I can sit behind the computer again without any problem. I took some pain medication for it and that cleared it up in no time. I will try to do the same thing for my shoulder.

I hope you all have a terrific day with beautiful weather, but rain for those of you who need it badly.

Ciao,
Nora

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>Where have I been?

January 29, 2010 at 1:16 am · Filed under books, depression, grocery shopping, naps, optimism, post

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I didn’t realize it had been two days since I last posted until someone pointed it out to me. I have started many posts these past few days, only to delete them as being to depressing. I certainly don’t want to write unless I can see the glass half full and not empty the way I have been seeing it lately. So, I will try it again and find some amount of optimism in myself and try to complete this to my satisfaction.

I haven’t been doing a heck of a lot, but taking many naps on the sofa during which I have many interesting dreams. I don’t do anything in between these naps, but maybe walk the dog or make myself a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette. Then I lie down again and doze off. So I spend my day in an almost continuous state of sleep. I find it the most pleasant way to get through the day right now. It’s a way to escape the unbearable heaviness of being awake.

Being awake means facing all the things I find myself incapable of doing. The things I absolutely don’t have the energy for and the awful tiredness I feel constantly when I think about having to do these things. I seriously hope there’s something wrong with me physically that can be put to rights with some medication, because I don’t know what I’m going to do otherwise. I feel totally worn out.

Last night I went grocery shopping with my sister and it was almost more than I could bear. I felt like I had to run a marathon unprepared. When we arrived in the parking lot, I wanted to say to her to just take me home again, that I just couldn’t do it. Regardless, I got all the shopping done and then faced unpacking it at home and putting everything away with a dread. It all got done one way or the other, but I don’t want to go again until I feel better.

Something good happened yesterday too. Friend of the Bear sent me 8 books and they arrived yesterday. Yes, 8 books, under which A Room with a View, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie and The Birth of Venus by Sarah Dunant. Needless to say, this was a very welcome package and I couldn’t wait to unwrap it and look at the books and give them a place on my bookcase. I think I will read A Room with a View first.

Now I will go to bed and try to get some more sleep. I’ll see you all in the morning.

Ciao,
Nora

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>2010 Finally!

January 1, 2010 at 9:37 am · Filed under courage, fireworks, love, New Year, optimism, willpower

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I’m so glad it is the new year now and a new decade. I am a firm believer in new beginnings and this really feels like one. Basically, I’m an optimist and I assume the best will happen and that is how I look at this coming year. I assume that good things will happen in it and that whatever happens it will come to a good end, even if it has a less than good beginning. I am bound and determined to see the glass half full, if not completely full at times. I feel there will be no end to the possibilities that will come my way and I will meet every opportunity head on.

Oh, see how brave I sound! I must have something extra in my coffee this morning. I’m full of good intentions and I think that’s half the work. I don’t know if my willpower will be half as great, but I hope that my courage will not forsake me. I’m chicken little who cries that the sky will come falling down sometimes, but I’m also a brave trooper when it is necessary and I can move mountains if I have to. The cause has to be the right one, that’s all.

I wasn’t so brave last night when I sat here by myself waiting for it to be midnight. I felt kind of sorry for myself, because there would be nobody to kiss me at midnight when all the fireworks went off. I quickly got over that when I got involved watching a fun program on television and forgot about time passing and before I knew it, it was 12 o’clock and I wished myself a Happy New Year. Then all the fireworks went off and the cats went into hiding and I put on my pajamas and waited to go to bed when things had quieted down again. That took about 45 minutes and the cats reappeared and we all went to bed.

Now it literally is the morning of a brand new day and I’m full of good spirits. Not only is it a brand new day, it is a brand new year and that promises something. I’m very curious to see what will happen in it. I wonder if everybody is as full of good intentions as I am. I suppose people are, you can’t help yourself, can you? It is kind of exciting to stand at the beginning of a new decade. People must have all sorts of resolutions, although I don’t have any as such to keep myself bound to. I just have a general sort of attitude that I hope to carry far into the new year with me. It’s better than having a birthday, because today everybody starts afresh. Today the whole world is one big tribe.

It literally is a load of my mind to start this new year. I feel like I’ve had a very good session of therapy. I was down in the dumps yesterday and felt unable to write a post. I slept a lot and was very tired all day. The events of the past days had really gotten to me and I felt worn out from them and slightly contaminated, as if I had been in contact with something toxic. I was not proud of my own role in them and as time wore on, I could better see what my own mistakes had been. I could more objectively look at the situation and realize that I had been looking for love in the wrong place. The fact that I allowed myself to look for it is an amazing thing to me, because I thought I had sworn it off and here it was clutching me in its claws again.

Even though I don’t think of myself as an unattractive woman, I don’t think of myself as someone somebody could fall in love with. I see too many flaws in myself to make that a possibility. I think I’m okay at arm’s length, but not any closer than that. It was nice to contemplate the possibility that I was wrong and it awakened a little flame in me and made it grow bigger. Now, obviously, this was awakened by the wrong person, but that was just bad timing. The fact is, that suddenly I felt very female and attractive and I haven’t felt that way in a long time. It was nice to have that feeling again, even though it turned out only to be an illusion. It has given me some hope for the future. Maybe some day I will feel this way again and it will be with the right person and it will not be an illusion.

Well, I have to get dressed and walk the dog. He is very impatient. It is -1C outside and cloudy and we are supposed to get some snow.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora

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>Do as I say, not as I do.

December 29, 2009 at 6:10 am · Filed under attitude, blog post, love, music, optimism, sleep

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I woke up early and couldn’t sleep anymore. I felt I had to write another post to offset the one I had written last night that was so bitter and gloomy. Things always look different in the morning, right? So here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes to make a new start and to toss some optimism your way. Today we are seeing the glass half full and not half empty like we did last night.

First we put on some nice music to get in the proper mood, which needs to be mellow,and it is quickly found here. Then we sit up straight in our chair and with our back straight and our feet crossed at the ankles and a perky look on our face we proceed.

You see how I talk about myself as the royal “we,” as if things have gone to my head and I have formed an attitude. Maybe people should speak about themselves in that way every so often to give a little boost to their self esteem. It’s nice to think of yourself as a multitude instead of just one single person with one little voice that gets outshouted in the masses. I will definitely go through life as a “we” in the apartment today, if not in the outside world. It may be harder to pull off there, although I can secretly think it. Alas, lines at the post office will not suddenly shorten because I stand in it.

When you are a “we,” you speak with authority and with a certain disdain for what other lesser mortals think. You feel yourself lifted above the masses and look down with pity and disregard on the rest of manhood. Suddenly you are not one of “them” anymore. You may not even be mortal any longer, but who is going to try and test that theory?

So I (as in “we”) have decided that I am more than worthy of any love anyone choses to bestow on me and that I should never doubt the sincerity of it. It is ridiculous to think that I would deserve anything less, being of elevated stature and nature and understanding of the meaning of the word in all its nuances. I know the limits of human ability to apply it and I know also the human ability to rise to the occasion and reach greater heights in it if that is called for.

Therefor I will wait patiently, which I can afford as a royal “we,” and wait and see whatever the day choses to bring me to judge my decisions on. I will be as wise as Solomon. I will be patient and mindful and merciful in my judgments and not shout hastily for the death penalty for love. I will weigh each decision on a golden balance. I will be fair.

So, now then, I am taking “us” back to bed to sleep some more and to feel quite cozy under the duvet. I’m sure to be up and about and alert when I need to be.

Ciao,
Nora

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>Languidly sitting in my chair.

December 28, 2009 at 6:18 am · Filed under chocolate, flowers, friends, hairdo, Joost, love, optimism, pancakes, senseo, sleep, springtime, weather

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I’ve got some sleeping left to do, but I’ll do that later when I’m more in the mood for it. I woke up a while ago in my tiny bed, sleeping next to a certain person, and it was very warm and comfortable, but a little cramped. So I got up, ready to continue sleeping on the sofa, but I got waylaid by the computer and the Senseo machine and I thought I would just sit down in the quiet of the early morning and try to write a post, but I’ve got a problem.

How do you tell what an absolutely splendid and lovely time you’re having without giving the other person’s secrets away? Just speak for myself?

I’m having an absolutely splendid and lovely time and it is ever so much better and lovelier than the first time and so very much more intimate and affectionate. Speaking for myself, I can say this is love in all the best senses of the word. And I’m not worried, because I’m not hopelessly in love like a foolish teenager, but I love deeply like a grown up woman with all the knowledge I have of the object of my love to go with it. All the years that I’ve known him enter into it to make it a complete picture. And that’s what makes it so enjoyable and satisfying. I feel there are no enigmas, no puzzles to solve. What I see, is what I get and it’s familiar.

He brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and After Eight chocolate mints, which are my favorites and which I have been eating all night and this morning. I think they’re all gone now. I happen to be very fond of yellow roses, so he guessed that right, but then he always brings me flowers and they are always pretty. You see, I’m not the least bit prejudiced concerning his tastes. I think they are fine. I even like the way he dresses and his aftershave and his body lotion. No, I’m not the least bit prejudiced.

Right, I’m supposed to talk about other things too now. I’ll tell you that it’s 3C outside and cloudy and that it’s going to be cloudy all day, but we’re not expecting any rain, according to my weather forecast on the computer. I have to go to the tobacco shop today and to the post office, I think that will be a good outing for Joost and me. We can walk there and get some fresh air. Last night, when we walked the dog, it was drizzling and there was a cold wind blowing and it was just miserable to be outside. I had half planned to take the bus downtown, but it really was not the night for it. Even with the overhead heating it would have been no fun to sit on a café terrace. We need a better night for that. So, we’ll save that for the next time.

It’s fun to make plans for what we will do the next time, beside the obvious things. It will be nice when the weather gets better and we can be outside more. That’s another good reason to look forward to springtime, which I’m already doing now that we have the winter solstice behind us and it has been the shortest day already. It can only move upward from here. Of course, we have those dark and cold January and February months to get through, but they will go by in a snap and once those are behind us, the rest will be easy. I’m totally discounting March and April here, you see, as I think they are just preludes and parts of springtime. Always try to see the glass half full.

At least it’s nice and warm in here. I’ve got my feet by the radiator and they are toasty warm. The dog is lying next to me, because that is where he belongs. That’s what he thinks, anyway, and I agree with him.

We had Dutch pancakes for dinner last night. They are like crepes, only I had not made them myself this time. I promised to do so the next time and to make them with buttermilk, because those are the best. I was able to eat one pancake myself, which surprised me and it was very good, not as good as when I make them, but good enough. I have to find some real maple syrup, because the pancake syrup that they have here is too sweet to my liking. There’s nothing like real maple syrup, after all.

My hair is very fashionably sticking up straight in all directions. Luckily, it looks like it’s supposed to be that way. A little bit of wax will tame it and get it to go in the right direction. The right side sticks up funnier than the left, that’s the side I sleep on, the right side, I mean. Sometimes you see people walk around with that “just slept on look” when they haven’t quite combed their hair good enough and it has taken on the shape of their pillow. You can tell if they sleep on their back or on their side. They look good from the front, but when you walk around them, it’s another matter. I’m sure I look this way myself sometimes. Yes, I notice things like that, don’t you?

I feel like a well loved woman and I like the feeling very much. It makes me feel mellow and warm and very pleasant. I can recommend it to anybody. Let yourself be cuddled and treated well, it opens you up and makes you feel like a whole new woman. It ought to be a special treat for everybody, to be loved by their best friend. There’s no better person in the world for it. I hope you’re either married to that person, or that you have somebody in your life like it. But then again, maybe I am very lucky and this is a unique situation. Maybe it’s because of who he is that it’s possible. I’m sure that’s a very large part of it.

Well, I could go on and on with all sorts of sentimental drivel, but I’m sure you’re not waiting for that. I just took my medicines and I’ll check my emails and read some blogs, which I think I’m a little behind in. I’ll probably have to go back to sleep for a while. It doesn’t matter. The day is my oyster. I’ll take it as it comes.

Ciao,
Nora

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>So what else is new?

February 12, 2009 at 10:25 am · Filed under a long night, hypomania, optimism, sleep, the Überhund

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Last night at 2 AM for some reason, probably nothing to do whatsoever with hypomania, right, I was still awake and not at all in conflict with myself about where I should have been. I mean, a normal person would have been in bed by that time and sound asleep, but I had these two arguing voices inside of me, which kept telling me two opposite things. One said, “Oh, you can stay up as long as you like, nobody cares.” And I got all happy when I heard that voice, because it was true, nobody was the least bit bothered by how late I went to bed. I could never go to bed and still nobody would have cared. I was my own mistress and I could be as foolish as I wanted to be, as damn irresponsible as I dared to be and as stupid as my own brain allowed me to be.

But then there was the other little voice. The voice of reason that told me that going to bed at a reasonable hour was sensible and that it was the wisest thing to do and that people who are hypomanic especially need to stick to a schedule.

Well, so I was drinking decaf and I had put on my pajamas and bathrobe and I had taken my medicines. At least to that point I was sensible, but the rest of me stubbornly stayed behind the computer doing senseless things.

The poor dog was confused and didn’t know where to go to sleep. He had already been on his pillow in the bedroom, but had come out again and was asleep on his blanket under the coffee table. He is always very worn out after he has had a haircut and a bath. It is as if the excitement of the car trip and the actual event are just too much for him and he needs to recuperate. He didn’t realize that he hadn’t been aired properly and that he had only had a long piddle out back. All he did was sleep.

Finally, the medication started to make me sleepy and I made it to bed just on time and didn’t even read my book, but laid down and folded my hands over my chest and went straight to sleep. I don’t know what happened to the dog. I forgot to look if he followed me.

I am going to find him some food for overweight dogs. I just can’t bear to look at him the way he is. I am slightly exaggerating the way he looks, but I think because he has osteoarthritis he should not be overweight at all. He has such a good appetite nowadays and our walks have been short, so doubtlessly he has gained weight. The thing is though, that with my toe the way it is, I can’t walk too far, although there is one pair of boots that is more comfortable than the others. So, longer walks it is.

I’m having a wonderful time here sitting behind the computer, while outside it has started to snow of all things. Hopefully it is just a little flurry, because I can also see the sun shining, but we’re supposed to have showers all day. Luckily, I only have to walk the dog today and not go out for anything else. I still assert that this snow does not take the notion of springtime out of my head and that I see it all as a fluke of nature. I am the eternal optimist, aren’t I?

Speaking of optimism, I am filled with it lately. Everywhere I go, I not only see glasses half full, I see them filled to the rim. I have a Disneyland view of the world and nothing can go wrong. I know that this is a completely asinine way of looking at things, but I can’t help myself, I only see good outcomes. A good dose of realism doesn’t make any difference, because I would still see the golden lining somewhere. That makes me a horrible person to have around, because I am amazingly short of sympathy. Overly optimistic people always are. You know you just want to shoot them.

I don’t know how to stop being this way, because surely the world is not put together the way I see it. I only see easy solutions and not problematic catastrophes. I am God in my own thoughts. I am convinced of my own righteousness and think my own brand of optimism should be patented and applied to all. But…that’s how dictators are born, aren’t they? I could be Fidel Castro. Remember to never vote for me if I should ever run for any kind of office.

The sun is shining brightly again and I must walk the Überhund in all his nakedness. I hope the other dogs don’t laugh at him. It would hurt his feelings so.

You all have a good day.

Ciao…

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