Archive for porridge
>Interludes.
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Nora
>I was right…
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I was right, now that I’m sufficiently well aligned with the sun and the moon and the stars and all the other objects in the great wide world and universe, and I did indeed take two Welbutrin tablets this morning, but I feel good and not at all like the sad little woman that I have been during the day and who couldn’t find any joy in her life to wrap around herself for comfort.
What an amazing thing this is, and so unexpected too, because I was already dreading the effect of the first tablet and having to sit here feeling sad and downhearted and ending up having to go back to bed because of this effect of it. I certainly didn’t think that I would sit here having a good time writing posts and reading blogs and leaving comments. I guess my psychiatrist was right and the one who perseveres wins. He apparently knew what he was talking about. I had to bite through the sour apple, as they say. That’s different from tasting sour grapes or getting your just desserts.
I was ready to call it quits, I was so out of patience, but now I’m glad I didn’t and that I listened to and obeyed the professionals. Obedience is not my strongest point usually. I have a tendency to be stubborn and want things my own way, because at any given moment I will be convinced that I’m right and it’s hard to change my mind. But I know this about myself and try to take it into account when these sort of things become important and decisions have to be made. My stubbornness can make me shortsighted and I lose track of the bigger picture and the details that go into it. It’s important that I pay attention and listen well.
I’m just now having my third cup of coffee of the day. I don’t know if you could call it a mug. It’s on the small side for what Americans would call a mug. My daughter brought me a mug from Starbucks once and it really qualified as a mug. Two people could have easily had their coffee from it together. If they liked each other a lot, like lovers do. Do you hear that song in your head? I can’t imagine liking anyone else that much again. I would worry about his germs. Besides, you would have to like the same things in your coffee and people either like it black or with milk and sugar, never just with milk.
I once accidentally put sugar in my coffee and couldn’t figure out why it tasted so bad. The sugar was from one of those paper tubes that also held the creamer. I had picked it up along with the creamer, thinking I had two creamers, because that’s what I always put in. I didn’t finish that coffee, it was impossible. Since I’ve stopped eating porridge, I have a bag and a half of sugar on the kitchen shelf that’s not going anywhere fast, because I don’t use it for anything else. The Exfactor takes it in his coffee and that is it.
I was growing chubby from the porridge with sugar, although I kept saying to myself that it was healthy food. Lord, I did fool myself. I have kilos of porridge to get rid off. Not that I’m lying awake about this at night. I like sleeping better. I don’t worry about my weight. I am just me, however I am built. The essence of me doesn’t change and my mental health is more important. That’s what it’s all about in the end. I do have to get my priorities straight, but I’m not going to eat that bag and a half of sugar.
Tyke is completely distracting me. He had two rawhide bones, but he wanted me to try and get the one he had in his mouth, which I did for a while, but then I got the one that was lying on the floor and said, “It is mine.” He can’t stand it when I say that, so he had to drop his bone and get the one I had. We went on and on like this for a while until he got sick of it and laid down and started chewing on the bone he had in his mouth and that was the end of the game. It will start again in a while, I just know it.
No, instead of that I let him out again and when we were on the field there was another American cocker who is almost 3 years old. It’s a female and she came over and challenged Tyke and then ran away and acted bitchy whenever he got close and he likes her so much. He wants to play with her badly and she won’t do it and snarls at him. I feel sorry for Tyke, because he needs another dog to play with, but so far we’re not having any luck, except for the neighbors’ dog and he’s never out when we are and I don’t know them very well. She doesn’t seem to like me and avoids me if she can. He is very friendly and always ready for a chat. Strange, isn’t it? (he likes pudgy women and she’s lost a lot of weight)
Things to ponder over in my spare time. I try not to ponder too much and to put a stop to it if it gets out of hand. I have an attic in my head where I keep those things and it’s not all that full really, just dusty. No cobwebs, though. It’s a fairly clean and uncluttered attic with a view of the sea. I have a treasure chest too. That’s for very special people. The jewels in my life.
I can postpone hitting the publish button or get it over and done with, because I really have nothing more to say, or I could sit here for another hour and add another chapter. I must figure out the pictures that should head the post. Why don’t I just go do that now?
Have a good evening.
Ciao,
Nora
>In the early morning.
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I wemt to bed on time last night, because I was sleepy early, and for a change I am up early also and completely done sleeping. I double checked to make sure, but I really was and felt comfortable enough to get up. I´ve had one cup of coffee, but that´s all the caffeine I need for now and I´m drinking a glass of cold milk now. I think the new medication makes me thirsty, because I´m constantly in need of something cold to drink, and no, it can´t be water. I´ll never forget the insult of my first mother in law when she finally came to our apartment for a visit and said she could only stay for twenty minutes and that all she wanted to drink was a glass of water. Really! By European conventions that is a very bad thing to do.
Well, that´s pulling old cows out of the ditch, as they say, and we won´t do that.
So, I´m wide awake and now it turns out that I can go grocery shopping this morning with my sister after all, so I have to call her at 8 o´clock and let her know. She´ll be pleased to hear it, because we had planned to go at 4 this afternoon when it will be crowded. This also gives me the opportunity to clean the refrigerator before the domestic help gets here this afteroon. I think that´s the least I can do. I don´t want the poor woman to think that her task is hopeless.
I have to make a shopping list of what I have to get, though it´s not that much, at least not a great variety of things. Very much milk and catfood and rawhide sticks for the dog and coffee pads and Nutella! Some other things I´m not thinking of right now, but hopefully will soon.
I´ve lost 2.8 kilos in the past week. That´s good because I had gained 15 kilos this past year or so. It was due to the increase in my antipsychotics. It made me eat more and gain weight. I think they just make you gain weight period. This Welbutrin that I´m on now suppresses your appetite, so you lose weight. That´s better than the Effexor that made me gain weight. My mood stabilizer also makes me lose weight, but that effect had become undone by the effects of the other medicines.
I tried to eat my regular bowl of porridge the other day, but I ate it without the usual good appetite and I haven´t had any since. I have no desire to eat it and that´s saying a lot. I just eat bits and pices of things now and I drink a lot of milk. I´ve even finished the fruit juice and will buy a new container today because I think I need the vitamins even though it makes my ear and head itch where my eczema is.
Oh, I see it´s time to take my medicines. I wasn´t paying attention, so wrapped up was I in writing this post. I also have to get dressed and walk the dog.
Hav a good day, you all. I hope the weather is good for you. It´s supposed to be 7C here and we may have some light rain. Whoopie!
Ciao,
Nora
>I don’t remember…
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Yesterday is pretty much a blur to me. I know I spent a lot of time sleeping, either in my bed or on the sofa. It seemed like I could,’t get enough sleep and kept needing more. This normally signals a change in mood, but I haven’t noticed anything different yet, although it is early in the morning still and I don’t know what the day has in store for me. Early in the morning I am always the same basically upbeat person with a good outlook for the rest of the day and I usually sit here quite happy with my cups of coffee and my cigarettes. It’s what happens afterwards that counts. After I’ve slept some more or not, and how I wake up from that extra sleep.
Yesterday morning I went back to bed, but was woken up prematurely by the Exfactor who came by for a cup of coffee, Needless to say, I was not immediately very talkative. I was still half a sleep and after he left I finished sleeping on the sofa and didn’t wake up until 2 pm. Hey, I can’t always be the life of the party! Although I will seldom be accused of that.
Basically what I did yesterday was walk the dog, eat, blog a little, sleep some more, and go to bed and some of those things I did several times. It was a very low energy day. Man, if anybody is into cycles, I certainly am. I seem to have very wide apart biorhythms. They don’t seem to follow very smooth lines either, the way you see them so neatly on graphs.
The agendas arrived in the mail yesterday. It was great to see how they turned out and I am pleased with them. I’m sending the one for my daughter off in the mail on Monday, weather permitting, because we’re expecting a lot of snow this weekend. It snowed during the night and there’s a cold wind blowing too, which I felt when I let the dog out back for a piddle. Everywhere they’re running out of salt to sprinkle the roads with and they’ve already used up their quota for this season. In all of Europe, salt is hard to come by. They’ll have to order extra for next winter, because it seems like these are the kind of winters we are going to have now. It’s all part of the climate change. Hot summers and cold winters. I do so need to live in a kinder climate. I’m sure a lot of you are saying the same thing.
I’m already looking forward to going back to bed for a while. That will be after I take my medicines and eat breakfast. Of course, I got up awfully early this morning. That is because of that pain in my arm and my hand. It disappears after I’ve been up for about half an hour, though the numbness in my pinkie and my ring finger stays longer. I’m sure it’s a pinched nerve and there is not much that can be done about that.
There are times when I think that sleep is the most blessed thing of all. It’s so very nice to be lying in your bed under the duvet and feel your whole body relax and get toasty warm. I want to have an extra blanket on the bed and I will look into that shortly, as soon as I get over my agoraphobia. Actually, a nice crocheted one would be the best for the weight and the warmth. I’m supposed to have an extra blanket somewhere. I’ll have to dig in the closet and see if I can find it, but it’s not really what I want. I’ll have to go to one of the department stores to see if they have something useful.
I don’t really miss sleeping beside someone’s warm body, although it can be very cozy, but in the end I like my own space in bed. I like my covers all to myself and my own legroom. I also like not having to listen to somebody snore. Although I have been accused of snoring myself, but I think that’s when I was heavier and had sleep apnea. All in all sleeping alone is nice, though, as long as your bedroom is cozy enough, which mine wasn’t when I slept in the other room. That’s when I had some trouble sleeping on my own in that single bed and preferred to sleep on the sofa.
Well, I’m off to eat breakfast. Some nice hot porridge to warm my insides. Have a wonderful day, all of you. Don’t let the weather get you down too much.
Ciao,
Nora.
>Outside it is raining…
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I’ll admit right from the start that I’m in a bit of a funk, so this may not become the most cheerful post I’ve ever written. I’ve just allowed a wave of memories to wash over me and that was triggered by an email of one of my blogger friends who unwittingly got me thinking about my past and this released a whole slew of images and thoughts and unresolved issues in my mind and a lot of sore feelings and regrets. They are all things that I have to learn to live with and that I normally keep at bay, but every once in a while there is an opening and it all comes bubbling to the top. Well, actually, it’s more like a mini eruption and I realize what I walk around with still and how that never will be resolved, unless I go into therapy with my first ex-husband and have about 20 sessions with him in order for me to heal. Well, maybe that’s exaggerating it a little bit, but it would be a lot of work, because there is so much sadness and resentment there. Then again, maybe there is so much there, that it would be like a huge destructive force that would destroy everything and maybe it’s better if it’s left alone and put away forever. Yet I wonder how much it influences my daily life and how it determines the things I do and say. I think maybe it makes a big impact.
Okay, I’m taking a deep breath and allowing myself to come back in the here and now. This is where I am and this is where I function. I have to do that to the best of my ability and make a success of it and not stumble and fumble and fall down too often. I have to remember to stay grounded and to not let the past immobilize me and render me paralyzed with its power over me. I’ve got a second chance to do it right and to show the world that I do know how to function well and that my head is screwed on straight and that I can take a beating and come up fighting. I was so cast down after the first time, so mortally wounded and so very much near death that I didn’t think I was going to survive it. I didn’t want to survive it for a long time. I kept on living because doing the opposite is very difficult, selfish as that sounds to people who cling to life. If I don’t keep everything at bay, my death wish grows and I give up.
That’s why I have to make the effort to come back to the period in time in which I am living now and to stay there and to always live in this moment, like a true Buddhist. To not look back and to not look too far ahead, but to be present now and here this very minute. Me, sitting here behind the computer, while the dog sleeps on his blanket and outside it is dark and it rains. That’s where I find my peace. I hear the rain dripping down and I like the sound of it. I hope it will stop in a while, though, because I have to walk the dog one more time and neither one of us likes to go out in the rain.
Actually, it is very cozy in here with the lights on and the darkness outside. It makes me feel like when I was a child and everybody was home and we were gathered in the dining room, sitting around the table each doing various things that kept us occupied. My mother knitting, my father reading and my older sister and I making things with paper and crayons and glue. See, I do have some happy memories.
I’ve just fed the dog two slices of rye bread with grilled luncheon meat. He likes it very much. I’ve decided I’m not going to eat it myself anymore. It’s too painful an experience for too little food. I’m left hungry and unable to eat more and all I can think about is food. This afternoon I had a bowl of porridge and it was so very satisfying that I’m still full from it. I will only need a glass of fruit juice before I go to bed, probably. When I think about eating a slice of rye bread with luncheon meat, I feel a terrible distaste and I put it off as long as I can, until I feel faint with hunger. I figured that was no good either.
I think it has stopped raining, so I will take out his majesty. He’s been begging to go for a while now. In between begging, he falls sound asleep.
Sleep tight, have a good night.
Ciao,
Nora
>What is it anyway?
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After I had that bowl of porridge this afternoon, I couldn’t resist the temptation and laid down on the sofa for just a little while with my book and, of course, I fell asleep for an hour and a half, but it was very pleasant and I don’t feel at all like I’ve ruined it for tonight, because I still feel that I’ve got plenty of sleep left in me. As a matter of fact, I’m yawning as I write this and tears are running down my face and I’m yawning so hard, that I’m in danger of dislocating my jaw, which I will have to push back in place myself if it does. Everything is crackling and popping every time I yawn. It will have to be part of my self sufficiency, how to relocate my jaw after yawning. Just like changing light bulbs and reconnecting the computer.
The Exfactor always thought that I didn’t know how to do those things. He assumed I was helpless. He didn’t know I had 22 years experience at being not helpless, at being competent. He was a rescuing knight on a white horse whether you wanted to be rescued or not. He pulled your survival tools right out of your hands and made you unskilled and all thumbs. Some people are that way. They are Super Good Samaritans and don’t let other people figure things out for themselves. There are Mother Theresas all over the world in all guises. They are so eager to do good deeds, that they are constantly looking for victims and if they can’t find them, they create them.
It feels like it is very late at night already, but is isn’t. I’ve got my pajamas and my bathrobe on. The pharmacy delivered my medication. I just told them to do it and didn’t give them a reason why. I very easily could have picked it up myself, but I didn’t feel like going out at the end of the afternoon when my prescriptions were being faxed. There’s always a lot of traffic then and I do so hate crossing those two intersections at that time of the day.
I’ve never gotten quite competent at riding my bike again when I came back to the Netherlands. I do a good job, but I always worry about the traffic. I feel very vulnerable after all those years of always driving a car. I feel especially so when my bike is loaded with groceries and I’m glad I live so close to the grocery store, because I worry even over that short distance. I still yell at pedestrians downtown that step of the sidewalk in front of my bike. They are suicidal, but I will have the biggest injuries and when you live alone, you don’t want a broken arm. It’s hard to go to the toilet on your own with only one arm functioning. I yell, “Watch out, watch out!” I can’t ring my bell fast enough. Or at people who walk on the cobblestoned streets, “Will you please go walk on the sidewalk?” Those cobblestoned streets make you rattle and shake as it is. It’s hard to keep control over your bike. You just hobble all over the place.
It’s all an effort by the city to make the streets downtown look as authentic as possible, but those cobbletones are murder on your bike, or your ankles when you walk on them. Sturdy shoe wear is advised. Ladies with high heels shouldn’t go there, you see evidence of them stuck in the cracks. Not the ladies, but the high heels.
I’m having a terrifically tall glass of fruit juice to quench my thirst. Drinking coffee makes you thirsty and this fruit juice is the greatest stuff. It is freshly squeezed and kept in the cooler at the store. I could drink glasses of it, but I do want to make it last and it is high in calories, but it has all kinds of vitamins in it. I drink two glasses of it a day and that gives me a bunch of the vitamins I need. I also drink a lot of milk and as a result my nails grow very quickly and so does my hair. The porridge I eat is high in vitamin B and iron.
Specsavers called this evening and said that the lenses for my glasses were there, so I’m going in tomorrow afternoon to have them put into the frame. It shouldn’t take long to do it and I’m seeing my friend Von at the same time. I haven’t seen Von in a while and it will be good to hang out with her. No doubt we will sit by our usual café, but hopefully under the awning where there is heating, although it hasn’t been that cold outside the last few days and there has been no rain. The leaves are dropping very quickly off the trees, though. It’s going very rapidly right now, but some of the trees look spectacular still. Not all of them are equally pretty and only the imported maples are really awesome. Some trees just turn brown and that is it. Some turn yellow and that is much better.
I found the glasses that I had lost. They were in a box in my bedroom that had photos and photo frames in it. I don’t know how they got in there and I found them quite by accident, but now that I have them again, I must say that I don’t really like them and that I like my old glasses better and that I’m glad that I’m getting the proper lenses put into those. I’ve tried them out, of course, and I can’t wear them behind the computer and do better with them off. It seems the worse my vision gets for far away, the better it gets for close by. I don’t know why I thought these new glasses were better for me, because they are not at all attractive. At least, I don’t think so. I think I look like a very stern school mistress who should have her hair in a bun and a pencil behind her ear. I look much kinder in my old glasses.
I have creative therapy in the morning and I will be looking at that last painting I made and try to figure out what’s missing in it, because something is. It is too stilted as it is now. There’s not enough life in it. It needs more abundance, more joie de vivre. I’ll either fix it or ruin it. It’s a 50/50 chance that I take. That’s what skill is all about. Next I need to do a painting that brings me back to the basics. Just the original elements that I started out with, but very well combined. I’m futzing too much now with other little details and I don’t want to do that. It distracts me from my main design. That’s what I need to get back to.
Why is it that I get oodles of energy the later the night gets? I really enjoy myself late at night, that’s when I feel best. I’m complete in my satisfaction and contentment. I will take my medications now and maybe that will slow me down. I need to get sleepy now and not excited about being up.
Alright, I think I have made this post long enough. I don’t want the length to be overwhelming. I hope you all have a good night’s sleep and I will “see” you all in the morning, fit as a fiddle.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 