Archive for expectations

>Another terrific day…

March 20, 2011 at 12:58 pm · Filed under chocolate, expectations, hypomania, lunacy, moods, moon, sarcasm, sleeping pills, Sunday, tobacco shop, weather, wildflowers

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No, I’m not being sarcastic when I say that, nor am I being hypo-manic. I just wanted to share my somewhat good mood as I sit here with my second cup of coffee. Of course, all moods are momentary and I have to take advantage of this one as long as it lasts because it may only be here for an hour. That’s why I say now that it’s a terrific day, while I should really say that it’s a terrific moment.
I’m also very easily and quickly pleased. As long as nothing goes wrong, I’m happy. As long as I know that the day is going to be very uncomplicated, I’m thrilled about it. Since today is Sunday, there’s nothing much that can go wrong and I expect no complications. It is a day of rest, after all. Better yet, nothing much is expected of me. I think that’s the most important thing. 
Yesterday I had to go to the tobacco shop and I thought that was a complicated thing to do. Of course, yesterday was a complicated day for me anyway, what with the fact that I was trying not to go around the bend from all the sleepless nights I’d had. Riding my bike to the tobacco shop seemed like a very difficult thing to do and once I had finally done it, it was a major load off my mind. I bought myself a chocolate bar as a reward. No doubt that made me gain a pound.
It was a relief to take my old sleeping pills last night. I slept better and after I had been up in the middle of the night like I always am, I slept better in the morning too. The most important thing is, that I was not hypo-manic during the night and I avoided drinking a lot of coffee to create an artificial high. And, even though it was a super full moon, I was not a lunatic, although I would have expected it. Apparently not knowing that it was until this morning, made me not be influenced by it, although I have to say that I was a lunatic the night before this one. 
I’ve walked the dog and it is a fairly nice day out there. We have a hazy sun and pleasant temperatures. I’m waiting to see the buttercups in the grass. That will be a happy day.

Ciao,
Nora

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>Thank goodness it is Saturday…

September 4, 2010 at 5:46 am · Filed under armchair, bedtime, books, duvet, expectations, radio, relaxation, the weekend, tobacco shop, Tyke, walks, weather

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Isn’t it wonderful that it’s the weekend again? The week flew by and I don’t know where the time went. It just disappeared in a the blink of an eye, or several of them, and now I get to relax in the luxury of two days of spare time. I will enjoy it very much. The only thing I have to do is make a trip to the tobacconist to replenish my supply of tobacco and to buy another lighter, because Tyke demolished one of them again the other night. That is just a short outing, though, and that’s the only obligation I have, besides walking Tyke a couple of times a day.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is to have no outside pressure on me at all and to really know that nothing is expected of me for two whole days. Subconsciously, during the week, I always live with the idea that there will be expectations made of me that I can’t live up to and I don’t have that on the weekends. They really are an enormous break for me. But then again, I’m sure you must all feel that way and I’m sure it is a universal feeling and the weekends must be a big break for everybody, even the people with the most “uncomplicated” lives.

I’m repeating myself, I’m sure I have written this down before.

I finished my novel yesterday afternoon while I was sitting in my armchair with a big pillow in my side to lean against. The ending was fantastic, but you really feel so sad, because you think that all the agony and pain and madness could have been avoided if the truth had been told at the very beginning. If there had not been this attempt at this huge cover up. It really shows a lot about human nature and not the prettiest sides of it either, but rather how we might behave under the hardest pressure and when we make assumptions based on what people might think of us and how much we let that bother us. Some barely to be forgiven acts are committed and you have to somehow come to grips with them. Or not and have them be unresolved in your own mind. The novel was Drowning Ruth by Cristina Schwartz.

I’ve now started reading Where The Heart Is by Billie Letts and it’s a completely different novel with a lot of dark humor in it. I’m not sure if I should call it dark humor, because I have a tendency to take things seriously and someone else may call it light humor, but the main character finds herself in quite a pickle, though it is treated with a certain amount of lightness and gaiety, as much as that is possible. You most definitely feel compassion for her. There are good guys and bad guys, that much is clear. I’m only up to page 65, so I can’t say too much about it yet. A lot needs to develop yet.

I’ve now made it a habit to sit in my armchair for a few hours every afternoon to read, because I don’t read at night before I go to sleep anymore. It’s rather comfortable and very often Tyke or Gandhi climbs on my lap. They do want to get as close as they can get. I have my glass of milk and my cigarettes and settle in and have a good old read and concentrate completely on the book. The world is at a standstill. At night I listen to the radio and last night I fell asleep listening to the commentary to a football game of the Netherlands playing against San Marino. I was asleep in the shortest amount of time because I was not that fascinated by it. It was a rather dull game and the Dutch had 90% ball possession and made all the goals. It was a little bit too easy.

It was cold in the bedroom last night because I still had the window open and I put on warm pajamas and socks and crawled way under the duvet to get warm. Tyke laid down almost on top of me. I must get him a pair of pajamas too.

It’s foggy outside right now and 9C, but we’re supposed to have sunshine today and 19C. It will be a nice fall day and tomorrow too. No rain anyway. Even I got tired of that.

I must take my medicines and get dressed. It’s time to walk Tyke and breathe in the cold morning air.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

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>It’s working well!

February 26, 2010 at 9:53 pm · Filed under blogs, chores, expectations, happiness, health, life, medicines, mopping, Olympics, vacuuming

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I’ve decided not to watch any Olympics this evening, but instead to catch up on my blog reading, which I was very behind on. I’ll get my pajamas on in a while and make myself comfortable on the sofa and watch some Olympics then. They are broadcast all night because of the time difference. I don’t know what I’m going to do when the Olympics are over. Life will be so boring when everything gets back to normal. Well, maybe not. There was life before the Olympics, after all, and somehow I managed. I know I read a lot more books then.

I’m taking my medicines for my airway infection and I must say that the codeine works very well. I’m allowed to take it 4 times a day and it completely takes away the pain, making it a lot easier to breathe, allowing me to do things as if there is hardly anything the matter with me. So, needless to say, I did some chores today.

First I cleaned up that torn bag of cat litter. I was a ten kilo bag and when I tried to pick it up, the bottom fell out and all the cat litter dropped on the ground. I swept it all up and put it in a different bag and then swept the whole room which was covered in dog hair and debris from outside that the cats and the dogs had tracked in and other dust and soil. It hadn’t been properly cleaned in a while and it is where the back door is, so you can imagine what it looked like. It looked like the great outdoors.

Since that was done so successfully, and since I was hardly out of breath, I vacuumed the apartment next. I didn’t rush the job, but did it nice and easy, as if I had all the time in the world, which I did. I vacuumed up the last of Jesker’s hair that was stuck beneath the furniture and now that is all gone. Tyke doesn’t shed any hair. His fur is thick and curly, but I have yet to find any laying around.

Now I have to mop the floors, which is going to be a lot of work, so I saved that job for another day. I have a sponge mop and I think it is more work than a rag mop, though I am still undecided which of the two I like better. I know I will feel a lot happier once the floors are clean, because they are mucky now. I do want to pick the right moment to clean them, when I have a lot of energy and I know I can get the job done. I will do them in stages and take little breaks in between.

My nose is still plugged up and I can’t blow it now. Everything is stuck. It causes me to talk funny. My throat is slighty sore and hoarse, and my chest is rattly, but it doesn’t hurt thanks to the codeine. I know that in a few days I will feel a lot better. I’m already glad that I’m able to do chores so much easier and that I’m not just lying on the sofa being sick. That’s a great relief to me.

Lately I’ve been having regular crises over the value of the purpose of my existence. I very much miss having a reason to go on living for other than Tyke, and before that it was Jesker. I think of how tough it has been to survive this past winter and how very much I don’t want to have another winter like it and that I’m not happy with the prospect that I’m going to have winters like that for the rest of my life. I wonder about the true purpose of my life and what it really is all about and I don’t see much reason for it, other than to just get up in the morning and somehow make the best of it until I go to sleep. It doesn’t seem like a very fruitful and useful life.

I wish there were an option to step out of your life when you think it has been enough. That you’ve lived the life you’ve wanted to live and that you don’t see much purpose in going on living. When the negatives of life outweigh the positives and there’s not enough happiness left in it. I find myself in that position now and I very gladly would have followed Jesker into his eternal sleep. I’m quite envious of him to have died such a peaceful death. Just one little injection of sleep medication is all it took.

Well, that’s all I have to say about the subject for now. I’m sure I’ll talk more about it later. It’s open for discussion.

Ciao,
Nora

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>Don’t spare the wounded.

December 30, 2009 at 1:47 pm · Filed under coffee, commitments, dysfunctions, expectations, freedom, grocery shopping, love, rain, relationships, sleep, withdrawal

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I’ve just gotten up for the second time today. I was up earlier this morning and had coffee and answered my emails, but I was way too tired still and went back to bed and had a few more hours of sleep. Now I’m having my second attempt at being awake and hopefully I’ll make it this time.

My relationship, if you could even give it that name, with J. has come to an end. I wrote him an email in which I asked for some more things than I was getting now. A date on which I knew he would be by again, longer weekends than just the 24 hours that he came by for, some sort of steady schedule, expressions of love, shared vacations (he was planning his vacation while he was here last), and other tokens of dedication. I got an email back from him saying that he could not give me those things, that he did not want a more steady relationship with me and that he was already having his doubts about the fairness of this one.

I can only say that I feel a great deal of relief and liberation that I don’t have to do this “relationship” anymore, because it felt like a lot of emotional work, and when you are in a dysfunctional situation, you start to behave dysfunctionally, which is something I was certainly doing. You try to make your behavior make sense, but somehow it is impossible, which is not that strange, considering that it doesn’t make sense and that you should get yourself out of the situation. Thankfully, it didn’t take me all that long to figure it out this time. I have stayed in dysfunctional situations longer in the past. Much longer.

I can’t blame him for letting me get into the situation I found myself in. He thought he had made himself clear from the start, but I had read something more into it, being a female and having more needs. I thought I could handle what I assumed I was getting into, but my expectations were just a little bit higher than his and they became even higher over this past weekend when I actually fell in love momentarily, although I knew instinctively that I could not allow it. So, I can’t say that I have been used, although I do feel that way. But that is because of my own gullibility. I have allowed myself to be used.

And really, he had the time to stay longer this weekend, but he did not, which got my hackles up just a bit, because he was so eager to go home, although he had the rest of the week off. But I was ever so nice and understanding and thought he needed the time on his own. If he was seriously into the “relationship” he would have stayed longer, of course, and we could have done some things “normal” couples do. I was obviously not a priority. You see, underneath it all there is some bitterness.

In the meantime, I’ve walked the dog and it was dry, although we are supposed to have rain showers today. It is 9C outside, so it isn’t too cold at all. If it rains, I should go stand out in it and let it wash all over me and be cleansed by it. Although I doubt I’d have the nerve to stand out there naked as I should. Like a heathen being cleansed by the rain gods.

Well, I guess that’s all I have to tell you for now. I’ve pretty much wasted the afternoon on this subject. Well, not quite, I have some time left to do other things. Like clean up the kitchen. Tomorrow I have to do the groceries on my bike, because my sister is in Italy. I’m so looking forward to that. Not! I also have to go to the post office. It will again be the withdrawal of me from society for a bit. The usual crawling into my hole. Playing peekaboo with the world.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

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>A Popcorn Fart

October 7, 2008 at 5:55 pm · Filed under expectations, grocery shopping, house cleaning, life, self image, sleep, Social Services, the Exfactor, Uncategorized, weekends

>The hearing about my missing welfare payment turned out to be such a popcorn fart, meaning it had very little air and no power. The two people I faced, and who had to make a report about the hearing, had my complete dossier in front of them and I had documented everything so well, that there was really nothing much for me to add verbally and I could only fall into repetition and reiterate and say what I had already said on paper. The only difference was that they got to see me in person now and saw that I was a civilized human being who was not trying to pull a fast one and who was most sincere in her efforts to get some justice done.

Anyway, following the hearing a report will be made and I will get the final decision in a few days, but I am not holding my breath, because they have the law and the rules on their side, all I have is a plea for compassion and understanding. I am dealing with the middle mote bureaucrats here. The people in gray suits who are dull and never smile and merely put in their hours from 9 to 5. I am nobody special to them, although I try to leave a permanent impression on their minds.

I wore my rocker clothes, my leggings and my lace up boots and a very colorful tunic with a yellow long sleeved stretch T-shirt underneath and my brown leather jacket and my hairdo was perfect. When they came to pick me up from the reception area, there was some confusion on their part as to whom they were really looking for, because they weren’t expecting it to be me. I am sure they were expecting a dull middle aged housewife with a perm. Surprise showed on their faces when it turned out to be me they were looking for. I like that. Never fit into the dull expectations that others will have of you.

I was in and out of there in no time and I felt that I had gone on a badly defined mission. It took me longer to get there by bike than to do the hearing. I very leisurely peddled home again to wait for the plumber to rectify the situation with the hot water heater, but he has not called me all day and I have seen no sign of him. I will call again tomorrow morning and make it a point to stay home and ask him pretty please to come over, because it is becoming a problem to do without hot water. I also have to stay home for the pick up service that is going to pick up a package of clothing I am sending back. They were supposed to be here on Saturday, but showed up on Monday, when I was gone and I found a note in my mailbox stating that they would be here tomorrow between noon and 5 PM. That’s about as specific as it gets.

I piddled around and accomplished hardly anything. I keep checking my bank account for the subsidy money, but it is not here yet. I did manage to do some grocery shopping with what cash I still had and it was time too, because I was completely out of milk and decaf and those are my two staples. Then a delivery man came and delivered the cat food and Toby almost climbed into the bag when I opened it. He was that hungry and luckily, he liked it, because it is a different brand than they usually get. The cats can be so picky, but they have to eat what’s there. As long as the Überhund doesn’t eat it, we stay with what I have ordered for them now.

I managed to get another nap in, much to the Überhund’s disgust, because he was planning on going for a walk, but I was not capable of it. I had to have some shut eye. I love laying down on the sofa and folding my hands on my chest and drifting off into a sound sleep. It is so refreshing and when I wake up, I am like a reborn person. I get up and am ready for the next round.

This solitary life I lead is so healing to me. I treasure my alone time and rarely feel lonely and how could I, when I am constantly in touch with people from all over the world? With a little bit of imagination, I picture all of you in your lives, carrying on with your every day living and your every day ups and downs. It is all fascinating to me. Luckily, I do see real people also, it isn’t only imaginative people I talk too. No, I don’t mean you are all imaginative, that is not what I mean, I mean I have to use my imagination a lot to picture the places where you live and the lives you live them in.

The most exciting times for me are the weekends, because I really feel that they are mini vacations. I really feel that I am taking a breather and can put off worrying for two whole days. Not that I am constantly worrying during the week, but I do more of it then. I really think that Sunday is a sacred day and I am glad we leave that day alone here in the Netherlands and close up everything except for the cafés and the restaurants. You should see how little traffic there is in the streets. It is a big relief.

So, I will not go to any of my therapy groups tomorrow, but stay home and wait for various people to show up and frankly, I don’t mind, because I’ve got some work to do around this place. Taking naps does cut into my work availability. I must vacuum instead of just walking by and gathering up bunches of dog hair by hand. I am like a reaper. I have to get down on my knees and mop some well trodden areas of the floor. Scrub them, actually. You can see how the animals walk a track through the living room from the hall way. It gets especially messy by the kitchen where their food bowls are, no matter how often I mop that area. I think it is all a secret plot to keep me busy and they quietly rub in the dirt.

The Exfactor is moving again. The house he is living in is being sold. He is moving into a cloisters that has a kitchen and a wet room and a bathroom and 3 good sized rooms downstairs and 10 bedrooms upstairs. He will be living downstairs and keeping the upstairs safe in a care keeper capacity. The rent is incredibly cheap and all inclusive, which means that from now on he has to officially pay alimony. Social Services has arranged that. It makes no difference for me, because I will just get less money from Social Services. They just make up the difference.

Anyway, the Exfactor should be staying in the cloisters for about a year, giving him ample time to look around for something more permanent. He doesn’t want to place himself on the urgency list, because then he has to accept whatever sort of housing they offer him and it could be in any sort of neighborhood and maybe ten floors up in an apartment building. If he refuses them, he goes to the bottom of the list.

You should hear the Überhund snore and you know, it doesn’t bother me the way it does if a husband were to snore like that. I find it rather comforting.

I bought some peanut butter today and in a little while I am going to have a slice of bread with peanut butter. I am looking forward to it already.

Right, that’s all the rambling I’ve got for today, so I wish you all a good day or a happy evening, whichever time zone you are in.

Ciao…

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