Archive for psychology

>Delaying tactics…

April 25, 2011 at 8:47 pm · Filed under adventure, antipsychotic, bedtime, behaviors, blog names and images, coffee, consequences, cozyness, emotions, energy, life, psychology, Rapid cycling., satisfaction, sensibility, the Exfactor

>

I was already laying in bed when I realized I wasn’t really tired and couldn’t fall asleep. I was just basically laying there for the coziness and to listen to the radio. I decided those were not good enough reasons to stay in bed and got up again and put my bathrobe on. I will try again later when I’m truly sleepy. When I really, really want to go to bed. 
Now I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee, but I’m not going to make the mistake I made last night and drink a pot of it. I will switch to a glass of milk on time so as not to get too wired and cause myself a sleepless night. I learned that lesson the hard way and I don’t want a repeat of the day I had today in which I rapid cycled. That was no pleasure. Luckily, I was able to fix that with some extra anti-psychotic medication when I finally thought of it. 
I’m fine now and I’m calm again, although I have to say that everything is precarious and I’m aware of that now and I realize that I mustn’t push my luck. I have a tendency to do everything to extremes and I mustn’t do that. I will not stay up until the wee hours and do complicated things that require a lot of mental energy and emotional input. The desire is there, but I will have to ignore it and not give into it. I want each night to be an adventure in contrast to my relatively dull days. 
I have to be my own guardian and monitor my own behavior and do the things that are sensible, much as I don’t like to do them sometimes. It’s so much nicer to give into an impulsive idea and let it happen and not think about the consequences. Today should have been a lesson to me that I should not forget and I can’t pretend that it wouldn’t happen again the same way. It’s no laughing matter when you get suicidal thoughts because you’re rapid cycling. 
I have a great desire to keep playing with the design and names of my blogs. I think possibly I’m not satisfied enough with the way things are now. I think they are too tame and ordinary. I’m striving for a form of perfection without knowing if I will achieve it. I can’t leave well enough alone. It must represent a basic dissatisfaction I have with my life that I’m projecting onto my blogs. If my blogs are perfect, my life will be too. 

It’s a small psychological insight that’s not going to help me much. It’s not going to get me over my urge and desire. Only some amount of sensibility is and sometimes that is hard to find. When it is nighttime anyway. At night I always have great desires and lots of plans. It’s when my head is in the clouds and my feet aren’t firmly planted on the ground.
It’s not quite bedtime yet. I don’t yet feel the urge to go to sleep. I want to prevent myself from waking up in the middle of the night because then I’ll really be in trouble. The Exfactor is going to be here in the morning to do the groceries and I have appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN early in the afternoon, so I have to be in good shape.
I hope you’re all having a good evening. 
Ciao,
Nora

Comments

>Sleeping must be very overrated…

February 6, 2011 at 3:45 am · Filed under bedtime, books, chaos, chores, domestic help, playing with Tyke, politics, psychology, Sunday

>

Yesterday I did the chores that I had not been looking forward to and some of which I had been putting off for a while. By putting them off, I had made them much bigger in my head than they actually were, so when I finally got around to doing them, I was finished with them much quicker than I had anticipated. They turned out to be relatively simple and I was well prepared and organized, because I had been agonizing over them long enough.
I must let this be a lesson to me, because it always turns out to be the case that nothing is as bad as it seems and I am always quite capable and in charge. I don’t know where I get the idea that I won’t be able to deal with something. That whatever needs to get done will be too difficult. By pushing it ahead of me, I only make it worse until I give myself a good kick in the pants and get it done. 
I have two chores to do today and I know I will get them done, because they are very simple and straight forward and I can envision myself doing them. I can see the beginning and the end of them. They are manageable. They don’t resemble anything remotely chaotic, which I would dislike very much. My home life is actually very orderly and one in which I can function very well. 
It is due to the good care of the domestic helps that the apartment is always in such good order. I’m able to keep it that way myself by being very clean and organized. I don’t like it when things get beyond my control as the odd thing sometimes does. I’m not a typical Dutch housewife, though, and if it weren’t for the domestic helps, things would get out of order quickly and I would not be able to set them to rights by myself. 
Because I finished the book in my sidebar, I chose a new book to read from my many unread books on the bookcase. It is Melissa Bank’s The Girls’ Guide to Hunting and Fishing. I don’t actually know if I’m at the appropriate age to be reading a book like this, because it seems to be more about the struggles of younger women, but it sounds very interesting and it got good reviews. I’m ready for something completely different and anything that has some psychological depth is welcome. The novel I read before Laurie’s book was completely lacking in it. I think that was Where the Heart Is by Billy Letts.
I put the new book down on the table beside my armchair along with my reading glasses, but then never got around to reading it, because I got distracted by other things and the day went by quickly. I hope to start reading it today and, as a matter of fact, am going to make a point of it. I will set apart some time to, because my mind wants some other stimulation besides watching television. It’s been engrossed in watching the developing revolution in Egypt and the international politics of my own government and that of the European Community. 
Tyke seems to know when it is weekend and I have time to spare and he demands his share of it. That means he wants to play with me and have extra cuddles. He finds all sorts of ways to get my attention and I have to give him points for innovation. You can see him sitting there thinking about it. We play ball a lot and if I ignore him long enough, he does drop it by my feet so I can pick it up and throw it again. We also wrestle over rawhide bones, but I always let him win. He’s a little dog and I’m a big person. I can stand to lose over a rawhide bone. 
I think I will go back to bed now and sleep a few more hours. It’s not nearly time to start the day. Besides, it’s Sunday and there’s no rush. The neighborhood will stay quiet for a long time. 
Have a nice day today.
Ciao,
Nora

Comments (2)

>Don’t neglect the masses…

January 28, 2011 at 2:37 am · Filed under chores, complications, Gandhi, medicines, middle of the night, moods, myths, paperwork, problems, psychology, rhythm, springtime, the cold, truths, Tyke, walks

>

It’s in the middle of the night and, because I went to bed very early, I’ve already slept several hours before I woke up and was wide awake again. That, of course, is usual for me. As morning approaches I will get tired and go back to bed to sleep some more and I do have the luxury to do that. I’m completely aware of how lucky I am. I do like this schedule and enjoy being awake in the middle of the night and sleeping in the morning. That seems to be the rhythm that suits me. 
I was asleep with both Tyke and Gandhi on the bed, because it seems that the extra blanket I put on it is just what they desired. It is soft and comfortable for them to lie on and it is warmer than the relatively cool duvet cover. They both huddle close to me as if we live in the Arctic and we are sleeping through the coldest possible night. It really doesn’t get that cold in here, I never do turn the thermostat that low. Tyke is colder because he got his fur trimmed and he does lie closer to me to profit from my body’s warmth. 
Yesterday was a day of chores and walking Tyke. I’m not finished with the chores and got some of them only halfway done. I will have to do the other half today. I did check my bank account balance and saw how solvent I was. I opened all the mail and much to my relief most of it turned out to be very unimportant. You can’t tell that by looking at the envelopes. I always expect the worst and then it usually turns out to not be so bad, but there is much anticipation ahead of time. It’s very enjoyable when I can put most of the paperwork in the recyclable bin. 
It’s very enjoyable to pass the time with more or less insignificant things. I don’t feel a great need to perform out of the ordinary deeds. I’m glad when the day goes by as smoothly as possible and all the elements are as uncomplicated as can be. I like solving problems, but I don’t like for them to be huge. I do like their size to be of human proportion and manageable. Other people’s psychological complications I am usually able to deal with very well. I seem to have a good understanding of them and have an answer too. I usually come up with some solution. My own psyche is becoming clearer to me, especially now that I’m cutting down on my medicines. It’s amazing what difference that makes in my ability to view myself. I’m less complicated than I thought I was. 
I do believe that everybody should create their own myth to live by and that you should not believe in other people’s myths. If you make up your own, you can fill it with elements that are true about you and not about other people. You have to make up the story about yourself based on how it really is and then live accordingly. If you’re completely honest with yourself, you will know what your own truths are and not try to maintain those of other people. Believing in other people’s myths and truths will set you on the wrong path and it will lead to frustration and sadness. They won’t fit you and you will be uncomfortable with them. Many people go burdened by mistaken beliefs about themselves.
Having said that, I do hope I don’t forget my own advice two months from now when the leaves come back on the trees, because that can be a time of turmoil for me. I’ll have to go back and reread my own blog posts. In times of sanity I can be very wise, only to forget everything I’ve said when I go off course. Hopefully, this spring things will be different. I will be off a lot of my medication and that may make a difference. I don’t know how much the pills have influenced my moods. It may have been for the worse. We’ll see. 
I hope you’ll all have a good morning when you wake up, or a good night when you go to sleep, whichever applies to you. 
Ciao,
Nora

Comments (5)

>Waking up properly.

July 2, 2009 at 9:23 am · Filed under dreams, food, post, psychology, the alarm clock, the Überhund, weight loss

>
What I need to do now, in order to wake up properly, is write a post, otherwise I’ll sit here forever in a state of half sleep wondering why I can’t get the day started.

I shut the alarm clock off at 7 am and slept some more, but I dreamed like crazy, so it felt like a lot of work. They are all dreams in which I figure myself out and face some things of my past symbolically.

I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring things out, as long as I’m honest with myself and I’m willing to look at the unpleasant aspects too. There are no deep hidden meanings in my dreams, usually. Most of it is pretty blatant, as long as I remember that it’s coming from my mind and my imagination, which runs rampant at times, I must admit.

I dreamed I was feeding Africa. I had a black baby on my hips and a broken bottle that would not hold milk, but it would hold whipped cream. So I went to a wealthy house and sneaked into the kitchen and filled the bottle with cream, but some elderly men lived there and found the whipped cream and wanted it all for themselves. That’s a pretty obvious dream, isn’t it?

I don’t know, maybe that dream does have a hidden meaning that I’m not seeing. Maybe I see myself as a third world country, who knows? And the broken bottle is my psyche and the elderly men are the men in my life and I can’t live on ordinary plain milk, I need whipped cream. Psychologically speaking, because when your psyche is broken, ordinary milk leaks out and whipped cream does not and Africa was just a vessel to pour my meaning into. If that’s the case, I’m more clever than I thought I was.

Well, I’m pretty sure that’s it.

Jesker is going to get a trim and a bath today. Totally unaware of this, he is laying here beside me not knowing that at 1:30 pm he will be at his “favorite” place ready to be made handsome again. He always trembles a bit when I leave him behind on the table and I feel just the littlest bit bad, but it must be done, otherwise he will start to resemble a mop.

Oh yes, speaking of food. I have now lost 8 kilos, because this morning I weighed 91.9 kilos. Pretty good, huh? I love it when I get on the bathroom scale and I’m not expecting anything and I’ve lost weight. For now, I have 6.9 kilos left to lose. After that I’ll see if I can lose any more. If I keep eating the way I am now without going hungry, I’ll lose weight automatically. If I add cheese or yogurt, I don’t know what is going to happen. I may like them too much and eat too much of them.

That’s the thing you see, I can’t have anything in the refrigerator or the cupboards that I like a lot, because I’ll start eating more often, not because I’m hungry, but because it tastes good. I have to be my own policeman when I shop or otherwise I’ll buy the wrong things.

Well, I’m properly awake now, so I’ll get the day started. Jesker has eaten and no doubt has to go and do big business now,

Have a great day, you all, we’re actually expecting some rain along with the hot temperatures. It will be tropical.

Ciao…

Comments (12)

>Whacky World.

May 27, 2009 at 5:13 pm · Filed under blogs, dance class, domestic help, jewelry, life, psychology, self trust, shopping, therapies, tobacco shop, weather

>
More then half the week of therapies is behind me and I’m beat. I don’t even have the energy to go to the store and I’m eking out the supplies that are in the refrigerator and the cabinets. I will have to go tomorrow when hopefully I will have the time and the energy. All I did today was make it to the tobacconist for tobacco and filter tubes and the special trash bags and one chocolate bar for a quick pick me up, because I was seriously dragging my butt, going there straight from my dance therapy.

It feels so good to sit here with my mug of coffee and my cigarettes and to just rest my mind and body over nothing complicated at all. I’ve just read new posts to a lot of blogs and that was very enjoyable. Not that people all have uncomplicated lives, but somehow it all seems manageable. There are no catastrophes out there. At least none that I’m aware of. We all have our difficulties, but they are all human sized and within the norm of what is standard.

I guess somewhere along the line you have to make up your mind about that. About what you as a human being can accept in your life as tragedies and how much is too much and how much time do you need to grieve over that before you feel that you can be normal and join the human race again. I suppose the answer to that is different for every person, but maybe much more alike than different for all of us.

I notice that in all of my groups, that each person in their grief and depression and pain and sadness is so much alike and exhibits such similar behavior and has such similar thought patterns. It’s like we all read a big book somewhere that said, under these conditions you act that way. So much of it is very predictable. The beginning, the middle, the end, if it ever comes, all have their own sets of behavior and thought patterns and language and if you’re a patient long enough, and know a lot of things, you see this and get as smart almost as the therapist. I do have to point out that I say almost. That’s very important. You never get as smart as. Patients lack the objectivity.

Hell, I don’t even know if I’m qualified to write that stuff down. They are just my own observations. You do learn a lot in my line of activities. People around me in the groups say I have a lot of courage and inner strength and that I am verbally strong. I dare to talk about subjects that they are afraid to bring up, but are relieved when I do. But I’m not always courageous. I get insecure too and wonder if I say too much or breach the wrong subject and I pay a price for that afterwards if I don’t get the answer to my questions quickly. I have to settle my own sense of insecurity on the spot or walk around with it and it will nag at me until it hurts.

Well anyway, today at dance therapy, we learned to dance with a veil and if you think that’s easy, think again. Your arms get very tired lifting this thing up and around you and twisting it around your shoulders and in front of you becomingly. Then try to do that while dancing with the emphasis on your hips.

I have to tell you very honestly that I’m the worst student in the class and do not move gracefully, but more like a stiff rake with arms an legs attached to it. I have no swing in my hips and no easy bend in my back and all my movements cost effort. And I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. I lean to the left and forget to breathe. My hip and my back hurt and I have to take mini breaks. I loose the rhythm and have too start all over again. I’m a lost cause.

But still I’ll keep going, because the music is wonderful.

The weather has been gray and cold and windy all day and now it is raining. It’s feast or famine here. We’ll have sunshine again on Friday, but it won’t be warm. That I don’t care about so much. I don’t mind wearing an extra layer of clothes. In fact, I prefer it, it makes for interesting dressing up. And you know how much I like that.

I gave away all my jangly earrings that I never wear to a very nice woman who loves to wear them and I made her very happy with them. I only wear my titanium studs, at least, I think that’s what they are. They never irritate my ears. This woman was wearing a necklace that I very much admired and she’s going to get me one just like it. I’m a necklace person and feel naked without one. So, that’s great.

Tomorrow is music therapy and relaxation exercises and only a short morning. In the afternoon, someone from domestic help is coming for an intake meeting to see what needs to be done to the apartment to get it back to normal again and how much help I need with that. They had lost the original application that was put in when I was depressed and my SPN sent in a new one, because it seems I still need help now with all these extra classes and no idea of how to get things back on the rails.

I’ll leave it at that and walk the dog for the last time and get my pajamas on and do the dishes. Oh, somebody needs to do them. I live here, so it must be me.

Have a great evening.

Ciao…

Comments (12)

>Pedagogy.

November 9, 2008 at 5:17 pm · Filed under blogs, identity, psychology, relationships, sisters, support, vulnarability

>My sister has a master’s degree in pedagogy, which involves learning a lot of psychology, so you would expect her to have a lot of psychological insight and the understanding and diplomacy that comes with it.

She invited me for coffee this afternoon and the first thing she said to me, when she saw me, was that I did not look good. She said I looked all bent over and turned into myself. I tell you, that’s not a great way to be greeted and not a very diplomatic way.

I explained to her what had happened to me yesterday and how I had coped with it and she agreed with me that I had a wire loose. She said that things had not been going well with me since she had gone to Greece. Now, that is her perception. She sees me so little that she does not see me on the days that everything is fine and when I am happy and I am functioning well.

She also said that the way my eyes looked, the expression in them, would discourage people to approach me, because they would wonder what was wrong with me. I assume that at that moment my eyes looked downcast and tired and I told her so and that they usually didn’t look that way and that as a rule I am easily approachable and that I have good contact with people that is generally very upbeat.

I think my sister doesn’t really see me, she only sees my disorder and looks for signs and proof of it everywhere. I don’t want to be in a position where I constantly have to waylay her preconceived ideas about me and I have decided to put the relationship way far away on the back burner. I am constantly being hurt and disappointed by her attitude towards me, when I am being so extremely supportive of her when she needs me. When she sees me, she sees a worst case scenario, she doesn’t see all the victories. In order to protect myself from her, I have to produce a large gap between us and it doesn’t matter, because our relationship was one of one way traffic going from me to her and it was draining me.

Anyway, I had known this all along, but I am writing her off as someone who can be a member of my support team, which for now only includes all of you and the Exfactor and my SPN and the people and therapist in my ergo therapy group. So, I suppose the ergo therapy group continues to be important for now. I talked to the Exfactor this afternoon and he confirmed my conclusions about my sister and reinforced my choice on what to do about her.

I know I am a little bit screwed up right now, but my common sense hasn’t left me completely and there are areas in my life about which I can make good decisions. My screwed upness is selective. Right now it involves my life with the computer and my identity with my blog. I do have to separate those two. I am not my blog, even though it feels like it is such a large part of me and my lifeline to the world. Yesterday I was mad with exhaustion. The lack of sleep and the awful many hours spent behind the computer made me get lost in an unreal world. I lost touch with reality and threatened to loose my identity.

Today I am just in awe of that happening and me being that vulnerable and knowing that I have to watch out for that. I must sleep when other people sleep and I must limit my time behind the computer when I am tired. I wish I had someone to watch over me, but I don’t, so I have to do it myself and not go make unproductive phone calls. I must not panic and start to loose track of the big picture by getting lost in the details. I must have the wherewithal to survive a bad day, knowing that a good night’s sleep clarifies a lot of the problems.

I will have a good talk with my SPN tomorrow and explain to her exactly what happened. How scared I was of losing my identity. I’m not scared anymore now. I realize the difference between me and my blog, we are two different entities, although the line is still very fine.

All, I can say is, thank goodness for my medication, where would I be without it?

Ciao…

Comments (15)