Archive for subsidies
>Well….
>
I’m a fine example of an industrious Dutch woman. I haven’t done a thing today that required any effort, except for walk the Überhund and clean up a cat hairball. I have done nothing but laze around and been kind to my toe, which I very gently rubbed with a lot of gel and then wound in a bandage a couple of times.
Actually, I think it is the bandage that is keeping it from hurting so much, as it keeps it from being squashed by the other toe next to it. It is a painful business to put on my boots and walk the Überhund, but I’ve been doing that for 2 months now, so I can do it for a while longer.
So, I have done nothing useful all day long and even the phone has not rung. It is a very quiet day here. You would almost think that I live on an island and have been cut off from the shore. Or I am living a life deep in the impenetrable woods and there is nobody around but me and the critters. I am completely lost in my own world. Is there a better place to be lost in? Not in my book. I have been completely at comfort, with a high sense of satisfaction. Today I was the lone wolf, quite happy in her den with the other animals.
Of course, I got up late and the day was halfway over before I got it started properly. That was extremely pleasant and I hope that happens again tomorrow. It is so funny to skip the whole morning and to not make it out there until after lunchtime and to know that the rest of the world has been busy for hours already and nothing bad happens to you if you do. The sky doesn’t come falling down and the sun doesn’t drop out of the heavens.
Everything is so relative. I am just a little tiny cog in the machinery and I hardly matter in the scheme of things. That makes me glad and I’m happy that I’m not important in the larger picture. That means I can almost be anonymous and just glide through the world outside without even touching it too much. I hardly need to leave any dents in the fabric of life. I don’t cause many ripples in life’s waters. Isn’t that nice?
I used to have a fantasy about me leaping onto a big stage in front of a huge adoring audience and acting my heart out and emoting up a storm and getting a thunderous applause afterwards, but all that desire has left me and I would now merely want to be a member of the audience watching someone else do it. I’m glad general adoration and attention can go to someone else and not me. I would not want the responsibility of it and I am sure I would deal badly with it and come completely undone.
In the mail just now I also got news from the tax office with my new rent subsidy and it will be higher than it was last time, which was a miscalculation. So the next time I will get that extra money too. Thank you Higher Power, Allah, Buddha, God and Barack Obama. I will not thank Jan Peter Balkenende who is our prime minister and is up to no good. The Christian Democrat! While I am a Socialist. Righteous indignation here.
Anyway, here I have this perfectly lovely wasted day and I am not about to make a change in that by doing anything useful now. I may take a shower and wash my hair and fix it up again, but that almost seems like too much work. Still, it is tempting to have clean hair that is not sticky with hairspray. Yes, actually, that sounds like a very good idea. See how I can talk myself into that? I have some clean pajamas I can put on too. Sometimes I just outsmart myself. Hee, hee.
Well, with that smart idea between my ears, I am going to leave you and first remember to water my rubber plant, which needs to be watered every Saturday and which I have not done yet. I just pour half a container of water on the thing and it thrives. I have a green thumb with plants that take kindly to me. In other words, plants that only need a little bit of tender loving care and that can take some accidental neglect. I try, I really do.
Have a good evening. Enjoy your cozy hours indoors.
Ciao…
>Management
>After I wrote that post late last night about rapid cycling, I went back to sleep and didn’t wake up until 7 AM this morning. Wasn’t that nice? And I felt so refreshed and wide awake when I did and looking forward to my mug of coffee and my first cigarette. The Überhund thought it was too early to get up and let me sit behind the computer for a while before he thought it was time to go and do his business.
I have made it a point to have a very relaxing day and to not have any disturbances or other outside pivots interfere with my solitude and serenity. I haven’t done anything exorbitant and have kept a very low profile, not even popping in to see my sister on my various walks with the Überhund.
The Exfactor did come over this morning to collect my credit card and I said that as far as I am concerned, I don’t own one anymore now, because it is too tempting to use it on an impulse. We had coffee and as I sat there observing him, I realized that my intense feelings for him are slowly dissipating and that I could look at him as a normal human being again. The magic is wearing off a bit. I am very happy about this and am glad that I can see him as a fellow human being and not as the object of my desire.
So, instead of doing all sorts of busy activities like I thought I might, I did the opposite and did not even play any music, so the apartment was completely silent and it felt good. Sometimes all I did was sit in silence and just let my thoughts drift to nothing important at all.
I wanted to prevent becoming manic during the afternoon and therefor I did not go for the long walk I had planned with the Überhund and I did not go out and shoot a whole bunch of pictures. Instead, I stayed inside and read a whole bunch of blogs and commented on them and watched the clock slowly turn toward the evening. I thought that if I could keep myself from getting over stimulated and excited, I would not become manic and the best way to do that is to avoid the world and the people in it and to withdraw inside my cave.
I think I was successful, because I have not felt that feeling of euphoria that I get and I have been very calm and as a result I think that maybe my mood is not going to plummet, although it is early times and I don’t want to shout it out to soon. I have decided to take the extra 20 mg of temazepam again tonight, because it did help me sleep well last night and I think that is very important for my mental health.
The mail from the Tax Office came yesterday, the mail that the woman could not talk about, because I had not received it yet and that which I dreaded receiving, but it was nice mail, because they are slightly increasing both my housing and health care subsidies. How about that? Without me even asking them to. Sometimes good things happen out of the blue.
There isn’t much I can tell you about today, since it was such an incredibly quiet day and I feel like I am whispering while I type this for fear of making too much noise. I am looking forward to going to creative therapy tomorrow and finishing the project I am now working on. Maybe I will remember to bring my camera and take a picture of my finished project.
That’s all I have for now. I need to find out what’s on TV tonight and hopefully it will be something very good that I can get lost in.
Ciao…(she whispered).
>Another Happy Day…
>Another happy day has passed in the small household of Irene S. and Überhund B. and their minion cats. There were no major occurrences, no major upsets, no injuries were reported so far and it seems that we all made it safely through the day up to this point. Several hours are left in the day, so anything is still possible, but we are planning a quiet evening at home and no upheavals are expected.
The only thing that is bothering me right now, is the candy bar I just ate and that I bought at the tobacco shop when I went to replenish my supply of tobacco and filter tubes. The candy bars are prominently displayed right in front of the counter and it is very difficult not to buy one. I had a Mars bar, very good going down, but it is sitting in my little stomach like a cannon ball. I get the feeling that this was just what I didn’t need, but my eyes do get bigger than my stomach sometimes and I forget my limitations. I’ve made myself a nice mug of hot foamy coffee to wash it all down with and that should bring some relief soon.
The man at the tobacco shop doesn’t earn his money selling tobacco and cigarettes, it’s all the other stuff he sells that he makes a profit on, so he needs to display these things prominently for silly housewives like me who come in hungry for chocolate, because aren’t women always? He also sells stamps and bus tickets (very handy) and birthday cards and newspapers. I always buy stamps there, so I don’t have to stand in line at the little post office in the supermarket. I don’t know if he sells overseas stamps, I’ll have to ask him one day.
My cats have decided that they are not that fond of the new cat food. They eat a little bit of it and then walk away in disgust. Well, guess what, they have to learn to like it, because I have 3 kilos of it and although the Überhund likes it, he isn’t going to eat it. The poor things aren’t getting anything else. It is Whiskas of all things.
The hot water heater man was here this afternoon and saw the cat and dog food and remarked on the fact that the animals didn’t have a bad life here. He was a cat man himself and even very shy Nouri came out of hiding to be petted by him. He fixed the hot water heater and now the apartment is warm and the dishes are done. Not that I had that many dishes, eating the way I do, but I do like my soup bowl really clean and all the spoons.
I checked my bank account and to my great relief saw that the money from the rent subsidy had been deposited. If I live very frugally until the 20th of the month, I will be able to put some money into my savings account or pay back money to my Visa account, whichever works out to my best advantage. It will be a big surprise to see what my welfare payment will be this month and if they screwed it up again. I do so hope they will get it right all at once and that I will not have to make angry phone calls about it. Stress about money wears you down.
Then I have to await the letter from the Tax Office with the new decision concerning my housing subsidy and I don’t know what it entails, because the woman I talked to on the phone could not discuss it with me, because I had not received the letter yet. I hope it is not bad news, meaning that my subsidy will be lowered, although I imagine not, or otherwise they would not have sent me the money they did for 4 months. Clarity, that’s all I want for just a little while.
Actually, I didn’t mind not going to my therapy groups today. I felt like I had the day off and to be honest, right now I feel like never going to any of them again, but I know I must and that it is for my own best will that I go. It is just so nice not to go and to not fit into the regime of thinking and doing and analyzing. It’s so nice to just be.
But next week I will go again and do my best and be the good sport that I am and pay attention to what I am being taught. I feel the resistance and I know where it comes from and I have felt it before when I was in group therapy and it means that I am nearing the end, but I have to hang in there a while longer and make sure it really is the end. So, I will give it another few months and go with the flow and make sure I finish it properly. I have been in the groups for 4 months now and you get evaluated every 4 months, as I have just been. It was said that I want to run, when I should just walk. Some people take a year or 2 to finish, but I don’t see myself doing that.
Anyway, I just gave the Überhund his food and he made sure he made a big deal out of it by announcing it to all the cats, so that they could come and look at his dish, so he could chase them away from it. He barks very loudly when I pour the food in, as if he is heralding the grand opening of something and, of course, all the cats show up. Then he very possessively growls and barks at them to make it all very exciting. He can’t just eat his food in a normal way.
Well, I think I’ve shared everything with you now. I should call this blog, ‘ Dear Diary.’ Oh yes, I took one hell of a terrific nap this morning on the sofa. I was up very early and then I got so tired that I could hardly see straight or think what day it was and what the heck I was doing. Sleep fell over me as soon as I laid myself down and I slept for almost three hours. See, I must have needed that. Or is it hibernation?
Ciao…
>I Love Your Blog
>
I came by this award the easy way. All I did was visit Debs at The Lehners In France and she was giving it away to her first 14 commenters, so I took advantage of that. It’s not every day that I come by such a pretty award that easily and I did seize the moment. You can’t blame me, can you? But now I am going to stick to the rules again and hand it out to 7 deserving people who I hope don’t have this one yet and will be happy with it. So, here we go. I am giving this award to the following blogs:
- Big Blue Barn West
- Crystal Jigsaw
- Missing You Already
- Nuts in May
- Swearingmother
- For the Long Run
- Fairymix.com
There, I’ve been a good girl and done my duty and I hope I’ve made some of you happy with this little token of my appreciation. I’d give all of you a chocolate cake and a bunch of roses if I could, but distance prevents me from doing so. You’d be surprised if I showed up at your doorstep with those things in my hands, wouldn’t you?
Now I’ve got another problem on my hands. I got one letter from the Tax Office saying I’m getting 4 months worth of rent subsidy, and one letter saying I am getting nothing at all. Of course, I called about it right away and the woman I got on the phone could not explain it, but she promised me that someone would call me back with an answer within three days time, between 9 and 11 AM. Today is the last day. If nobody has called me by 11 AM, I suppose I will be calling them and in the meantime, I am down to my last 2.31 Euros. Yes, I like to live dangerously, but I had in fact counted on the subsidy money already being in the bank. God forbid anything should go smoothly when it comes to my finances.
I am trying to remember what I did yesterday, but my mind comes up with a great big blank. I know I was very cold every time I went outside. We had no rain, but there was a cold wind blowing that made you shiver in your shoes. I am constantly wearing a scarf now when I go out and I think I want to start wearing a double layer of clothing. Today I am wearing thick socks and when I walked the Überhund just a while ago, I made it a short walk, because I thought it was too cold.
Every year you have to get used to the cold again and learn to dress for it and remember to wear enough clothes. It’s really not so much the low temperature, as the wind that makes you cold. I remember the first year I was back in the Netherlands and it was January and it was cold and I was so miserable and thought it was the most awful place to be. Well, I came from California. We would stand at the bus stop, waiting for the darn bus to get there, and just curse the wind that blew at us across the empty fields. The only person who wasn’t miserable was my son, who moved to Alaska some years later.
It is true though, that the cold seasons make you appreciate the springtime very much and you really do stand full of awe when everything turns green again and all sorts of stuff pops up out of the ground. This summer went by quickly, though, and we didn’t have much of one. One day it was springtime and then it was Autumn again. It was over and done with in no time at all. We certainly tried to be optimistic by wearing our summer clothes, but very often we deceived ourselves and were under dressed.
Now, of course, some people are hoping for a cold winter so that the Eleven City Skating Tour can be held. Thousands of people participate in it, but it can only be held if all the canals and lakes are frozen over with a thick layer of ice. The Tour is 200 kilometers long and the last one was in 1997. I, for one, don’t wish for a winter that cold, but I do remember kids skating on the pond where my sister and I walk the dogs. We also had a lot of snow then and all over the place there were snowmen in the gardens.
My father and I had the tradition that we would go for a walk in the first new snow of the winter and as it usually started to snow in the evening, we would be the first people to make footsteps in it and we always liked that very much. My father was a sledding and skating father. That’s what he did with us in the wintertime when there was always snow and ice, it seems. Isn’t it great that nobody can take your memories away from you? All by yourself you can cherish those, no matter what.
Ah, I’m reminiscing, I’m in that sort of mood. That won’t get the dishes done and the laundry clean. I’ve got to snap out of that instantly, but it was nice while it lasted. Now I am going to do some useful things around here, because I don’t remember doing many useful things yesterday. It is a lost day.
Have a good day, you all.
Ciao…
>Full of Joy.
>I just checked my banking account with a certain amount of trepidation in my heart and the tiniest amount of unwillingness to face the dire truth, but oh, my heart is full of joy, because the tax people have, without telling me, deposited 4 months worth of health subsidy in my account and now I am better off than I thought I was. Oh, hurray, I said a little ‘thank you, Lord’ when I saw that, and I’m not really religious. At least I am not when I am supposed to be normal. I forgot all about getting that money and it is going to make such a huge difference in how I get through the month.
Well, every cloud has a silver lining and I think my clouds usually have one. I must never complain too loudly, because so far, there has always been a solution, even when it has not been the most elegant one. I am still living, breathing, eating, sleeping under a roof and having normal days without fear of disaster. That’s something anyway. There are a lot of people who don’t have that.
This morning, after I had been up for a few hours, I decided I was still sleepy and went back to bed and fell sound asleep until the doorbell rang and the Überhund started to bark his head off. It was a delivery man with a package for me and I asked him, quite befuddled, why he was delivering packages on Sunday. He looked at me very surprised and told me that it was Tuesday today. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone and completely discombobulated.
Very quickly I went and made myself a strong cup of coffee and smoked a cigarette as deeply as I could and saw that it was time to take the Überhund for a walk, but I was walking around in my pajamas with a sweater on top and socks on and I had a wrinkle in my face from the pillow.
So, first I had to make the transformation into the hip chick that I am when I go outside and I tried to wash the wrinkle out of my face with cold water. I only half succeeded and applied make up and disarranged my hair until it looked floppy and tousled enough, and hair sprayed it, resulting in sneezes from the Überhund. He does insist on watching the process.
When I was dressed properly, I was also quite awake and, even though I really needed more coffee, I bravely stepped outside the door with the Überhund at my side, from which point he proceeded to try and drag me through the neighborhood to all the best places to look for scraps of food, because it had been trash day and he thinks there are edible items in every bush and under every leaf in every gutter. Try and pull 45 lbs of dog in the direction you want to go in.
I finally resorted to getting very angry and scolding him, which helped for the rest of the walk. It helped so well, that he got a reward as usual when we got home and he did ask for it very nicely.
I ordered a fluffy sheepskin with a rubberized backing for him to use in the living room and I think I will put it under the coffee table, because when he is not with me, he seems to like laying there the best. I hope he will like it, but it was not very expensive and I am sure the cats will like it a lot. There may even be arguments about it. I am sure that Gandhi will claim her corner of it and the Überhund will grudgingly allow it.
I am still very pleased with my hair and send admiring glances at myself whenever I pass a mirror. Oh yes, I think, there she is with that new hair color and that really cool hairdo. I think I really forget that I am 54 years old and that I am now having a revival of my youth and am indulging in it in a grand way. I am so happy that I don’t have to dress my age and wear nylons and corsets, although a corset does do great things for your figure. It’s just the constraint I would dislike. Like being harnessed in and not having any breathing space when bending over. It’s no wonder there used to be so many swooning women.
Autumn is definitely upon us now, there is no denying the fact any longer. There is a chill in the air and a crispness that makes the leaves change color. Already some come tumbling down. It will be quite a spectacle as usual and it will be my first autumn as a single woman and I want to specifically be aware of that and really taste the season very consciously and let all the changes not go by unnoticed.
For some reason it is very significant to me. Maybe because in the past years I have gotten depressed around this time of year and I have made up my mind that I am specifically not going to have that happen now, but look forward to it with a new found curiosity. It will be a time to walk around downtown and sit on the café terraces and watch the people go by and take pictures with my new camera in the chill of the afternoon sun.
You see how I have this all planned and I can actually envision myself doing this in my mind. I do need to pump up my bicycle tires before I go and do that. Remember the last time I tried that? Lesson well learned. Those cobblestones downtown are hard on your tires and push out the air with every bump.
Well, now it’s time too have something to eat, because it is that time of day and it is inevitable that I eat, it is a stumbling block in the proceedings, that hunger feeling. I would rather not have it at all, but I suppose I would forget to eat all together and become a little skeleton woman. Ha, that will be the day!
Have a super one, everybody. I think it’s raining in Greece.
Ciao…
>A Tough Broad.
>During my evaluation yesterday afternoon, I got such good feedback and compliments. As a matter of fact, I really need to stop and think good and hard about the things that were said to me and really let them sink in, because it is too easy to not pay attention to any of it and to totally disregard it. I think I was already starting to do that and that is like boycotting yourself.
The most important thing that I learned about myself is, that I can go astray emotionally, but as soon as I realize that I am, I immediately correct myself and take the necessary steps to get myself back on the right track again.
That’s a very good thing to know about myself. That means I can trust myself to look after myself and that I do a good job of it. Who wouldn’t you like to trust better than yourself?
It’s very important that I know this with my whole being and never forget it. Amen.
The tax subsidy situation was cleared up very quickly and easily. I am going to get the first 4 months of subsidy deposited in my account now and the remaining 2 months will follow when it is time. That makes sense, because the bills for September have already been paid and soon I’ll be paying those for October. By that time, I’ll have the money. I do have to say one thing about the Tax Office, they are slow but accurate.
I made my way to Social Services by bike in the early morning cold and met my case manager for the first time face to face. He turned out to be a very nice young man who was truly apologetic about what had happened and wanted nothing more than rectify the whole situation. I think he needed to meet me in person to see what I was all about and visa versa.
Anyway, he gave me an advance in cash and told me he would also work out the proper amount owed and deposit that in my account without waiting for the accounting department to do their slow job and that he would see to it personally that the information in the system would be changed. I am going to trust that he will do that and I made clear to him that I depend on him to.
I had a good feeling when I left there and I assume all will be in order now, but, of course, I won’t know until I get next month’s specification. He may be a very nice young man, but still not do his job right.
It has probably escaped your attention that I have been a bit hypo manic lately. I don’t know if any of that comes across in my blog or if you just see it as ordinary enthusiasm. There were warning signs here, within myself, but to me the one that stood out was me taking the tough broad role to such an extreme. I was pretty sure that I was starting to get carried away with that one and I wasn’t sure where I would end up and then there was the spending pattern, which I am too embarrassed to talk about.
So, before I did anything yesterday, I called my psychiatrist for advice on his mobile phone and we increased my anti-psychotic medication by 2 mg. I should be calming down within a couple of days.
There is a fine line between being an assertive person and being a tough broad and maybe you can work out for yourself where the difference lies. I still want to be a tough broad, but in the responsible, assertive way. Not in the “I’ll waltz over everybody” way.
I bought three little plants yesterday and put them all in one big black pot, so it looks like one big plant. I forgot to ask the sales lady what kind of plant it is, so now I must be a sleuth and find out.
Well, that wasn’t hard at all. The plant is an Aglaonema Romeo, well suited for low light and low humidity. That’s good to know, that means I can forget to water them every once in a while. The lady in the shop said to water them once a week, I guess I don’t need to drench them. I hope they are as easy as my fig plant, which I throw water on whenever I think of it and it thrives.
Well, enough of this already. Time to get the show on the road. I must vacuum again and do laundry. Oh, joy.
Be good for goodness sake.
Ciao…
>A leather one.
>It was my intention, yesterday morning, to go to those second hand clothing stores to look for a leather jacket and with that thought in mind, I hopped on the bus and took it downtown and got off at the market square. Once there, I started to walk in the direction I thought the second hand clothing stores were in, but then I thought that I might as well check out my favorite regular clothing store to see if they had any leather jackets and to see what the prices were. After all, I had no idea what those things cost and what would be a fair price for one second hand.
So, I changed direction and went to M&S Fashion and once there walked all the way to the back of the store were the jackets were and they had leather jackets alright. A whole selection to choose from and the prices were very reasonable. I tried on a couple, but came back to the one I tried on first which was on sale at 20% off. It was the one I liked best. It had a zipper opening and 4 smaller zippers on the front and it was waist length. I didn’t need to think about it very much and I whipped out my credit card and bought it and wore it out of the store.
I felt like a real tough broad walking there with my boots and jacket on and I called the Exfactor to see if he was at work so I could go over and have a coffee there. I walked into that place as if I owned it and the Exfactor said that all I needed now was a Harley. This was a underhanded compliment, because he can’t stand Harleys, but the secretary thought I looked great and commented on my weight loss. Apparently my face has gotten a lot thinner.
I had one cup of coffee and was out of there and walked through town to the bus station, wanting to try out my new image on the unsuspecting public. Well, let’s face it, I didn’t cause any sort of an uproar and nobody fell of their bike or anything. To the public, I was just an ordinary hip woman walking by, like there are so many of them. No big deal, really, but it was to me. I like wearing these clothes and I feel good in them.
When I got home, I had to walk the Überhund and he doesn’t give a darn what I look like, so that was no problem. When we got back to the apartment, I had to do the dull ordinary cleaning stuff, so I had had my moment in the spotlight.
Then the mail came and let me tell you, it was a moment to hit the roof or go through it, because Social Services again sent me a specification that they were not going to give me any money this month, calculated on completely false information, the correct gist of which I had sent them 3 times already, so I called my case manager very angrily and asked him if they had all gone crazy there? He was almost speechless, because he realized a mistake had been made, but how to set it right?
To make a long story short, I am going over there this morning to get an advance on my monthly payment and the rest will be sorted out as quickly as possible. I am so disgusted, I hardly want to talk about it.
I also got a letter in the mail from the tax people asking me formally in which bank account the rent subsidy must be deposited, but when I looked at the total amount, I figured out that it was only for 4 months and not for 6 months the way it is supposed to be. So, I will have to make a phone call about that this morning.
Can you imagine how worried and discouraged I get? When you yourself do your best to do everything by the rules and then other people come along and rip the whole thing apart?
Oh, I am not going to waste anymore words on this. I am so full of frustration.
In the meantime, I am sitting here early in the morning with the Überhund at my feet, bound and determined to try and make this a day that will have a happy ending.
This afternoon I have an evaluation meeting with the therapy team of the therapy groups I am in. The head of the department will be there also, as will the assistents. I am looking forward to that, because that can only be a positive experience. Here is a group of people that has my best interest at heart and who want what is best for me. It’s such a contradiction with what I experience in the other areas of my life and amazing that these things happen simultaneously.
Well, you know, I will stop writing now and hope I can be a little bit more upbeat the next time around. Argh!
Ciao…
>Tough Broad Boots.
>
I couldn’t find an exact image of my boots, but this one comes close. I have a bit more metal decoration on the straps, making them look a little bit tougher, I think, but either way, you get an idea of what they look like. They are very comfortable and I put them on in the morning and don’t even bother taking them off when I get home like I usually do with my shoes to slip on something more comfortable. They sound tough too when I walk in them and I am even thinking of having the heels reinforced with a little bit of metal, so they won’t wear down so quickly.
Anyway, you see how between the spiky hair and the tough boots, I just need to have a leather jacket for my whole image. Someone told me about several second hand clothing stores today where I may find one and they can also be found on the open air market. Wouldn’t it be really cool if I got one? It would be so awesome. I need one with a lot of pockets. I am full of excitement.
Today was another ordinary day in the life of this 54 year old. I slept until 7 AM. Can you believe it? That is late for me and didn’t give me much time to contemplate my navel, because I had to make cigarettes and walk the Überhund and get dressed and ready to go to my ergo therapy.
I thought about being late and contemplating my navel longer, but I really like to be there on time and spend some time out on the roof deck with the other smokers and drink espressos. It gets me in the proper mood and there is always somebody with a story that is interesting to listen to and you wouldn’t believe how normal these people are. If you met them in the street or at a party, you wouldn’t know that they were receiving intense therapy and taking medication. They’re just an ordinary average slice of the human population. They could be anybody.
Today, 4 of us sat around a large sheet of paper with watercolor crayons and all of us had to draw whatever, but one of us had to try and control our act of drawing and we took turns doing that without speaking. It was very interesting what came out of that and how people interpreted what control is and how to implement it and how you decide to let yourself be controlled by another person. My interpretation of control is total dominance and to rule completely or to not let myself be controlled at all by not even giving the controlling person the chance to do that. So, it is all or nothing with me. Other people have no control over anybody, they just get waltzed over. They are too nice to do it. I am not too nice. Thank goodness, but I am not subtle, I have to learn that. I’m like a Tasmanian Devil and just scrawl that crayon all over the place regardless of who is doing what where.
We talk about these things afterwards and stop and pay attention to how we go about applying those ‘skills’ in our lives. Survival techniques. We are asked to look at them and see if we can do it differently. Huge lessons are learned.
I think we are way ahead in the game compared to a lot of people in the outside world who just go stumbling along, oblivious of their motivations and their limitations, constantly caught in the same traps. You see some people going through enormous changes.
The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I see him struggling with the same issues at his work year after year and never reaching any sort of resolution, but always getting upset about them and having them be a big subject of his conversations with me. Unresolved issues will gnaw away at you and leave you very frustrated and stressed, especially if they dominate your thoughts and you seem to have no ability to change them.
The Exfactor did bring his camera and take my picture, even though the light wasn’t all that great, but you do get some impression of what I look like now. I must get a camera of my own, it is one of the first things I want to get as soon as I am financially more comfortable. I haven’t quite decided what I want to get, but it has to be affordablle, of course. I like the camera that the Exfactor has, but I think I want to get something else. Something a little heftier.
I think it is fine if the Exfactor comes here once a week or so to drink a cup of coffee or two and have a talk with me. It gives me a realistic picture of how he is and not some idealized remebered one that doesn’t exist anymore. It’s good to see the real Exfactor and to listen to him talk and to know that that is not the person I want to spend my life with ever again. The Exfactor I fell in love with 15 years ago is gone and even the friendship that we had then is not there anymore. We’ve really grown apart and there is no use crying over spilled milk.
He did think that the idea of the party was a good one, as I invited him too and I said the Paramount could come, but he thought that she would not be comfotable with that, so he would come on his own. I have some people in mind to invite and the idea is slowly taking shape in my head. Maybe we can make it a happy divorce party, because it may just be possible that we will be divorced shortly. I am expecting to get the papers in the mail any day now.
The thing is, that I feel so very much divorced already and I am in all ways except by a formality. I think having my own name back was the clinger and using that on all paperwork now makes it very real and tangible. I really am this person named Irene Sieders and glad of it.
Wel, now I need to go check my bank account balance and see if my subsidies have been deposited yet and if they have, I can go grocery shopping. Luckily, it is almost pay day, but that is always such a fickle event that I never know when exactly to expect it. Don’t let anybody ever convince you that it is easy to live on a governmental handout. There is a lot of stress involved. It would be much better to have a fair paying job.
Well, kiddos, make the best of what is left of the day. I think I will grab something to eat and get ready to watch the news after I see if I have any money.
Ciao…
Another Splendid Day 