Archive for December 1, 2009
>Sense and sensibility…
>
I just made an attempt at mooching two more books over at Bookmooch. I’ll find out if I was successful soon. I have my fourth cubicle on the bookcase filled up with mooched books and have to make room for a fifth one. Greediness doesn’t come into play at all, of course! No, really! Well, the truth is, that whenever I have any points, I spend them on mooching books as quickly as I can, because my wish list is long. There are many people in the States who have good books, but who only send inside their own country, so I have to take advantage of books that are offered in European countries or other countries closer by. That’s not always easy, not if I want to get the books that are on my wish list. I do deviate from it sometimes and try something else, but then I usually just end up enlarging my wish list to include that author as well. That got me to try Margaret Drabble’s novels again and David Gutenberg, whom I had never read before. Some novels that I mooch I have read before through books borrowed from the library, but I want to reread them and own my own copy of them, like Beloved from Toni Morrison, a hauntingly beautiful book. I’m also trying to get as many books from Alice Adams as I can, but it is hard. I’m going to have to do another search for more of her books and see if I missed any.
In the meantime, I’m sitting here yawning and that is a good sign for the night to come. It will hopefully mean I’ll have another good night’s sleep like I had last night. I was so awfully cozy in bed and when I tried to read my book before I went to sleep, none of it made any sense at all, because I was incapable of reading it. I was too sleepy to be able comprehend what I was reading and it is the last story in the collection of stories by Alice Adams and especially poetic as she talks about her childhood home and she describes the garden and all the growing things in it. I remember thinking to myself that she was not making any sense at all and that she must be writing in some very special language and that I obviously needed to pay special attention and that I was not capable of it at all, try as I might. It was like being in the Twilight Zone.
I think my days off are not so very good for me at all. I sit and fret too much and don’t actually get anything done, because I’m too busy being anxious about things. It would be different if I were actually productive, but today was another wasted day and I don’t have much to show for it. I must make a change in that and get a different start to the day. Start off with more momentum and keep it going somehow. The computer is also taking up too much of my time and I have to do something about that. I allow myself to waste many precious hours behind it and turn it on first thing in the morning, instead of waiting until I have gotten some things done first. I waste the first hours of the day behind it, when I could be more productive doing other things. It’s a habit I’m going to have to break. I’m a junkie, that’s for sure. I must stop being one. My whole day revolves around the computer and it must stop.
Resolution made.
It’s an awful lot of fun to sit here in the evenings, though, and and write my thoughts down. I shouldn’t do that in the morning when I don’t have the proper time for it, except on the weekends maybe. I do enjoy the serenity of the evenings and the peace and quiet and the idea that nothing else is required of me. That’s why I need to fill my days in differently and be more productive, so that the evenings really will be those resting points that they are meant to be. The dog has the right idea. He makes sure he’s eaten well and that he’s made his pit stops and settles down for the evening, only coming around to be petted every now and then. I guess what a body needs is consistency and structure and I’m not giving myself that. I think that’s what’s causing the anxiety, I’m not living a structured life. I’m the only one who can change that.
Tomorrow morning I have creative therapy. It will be the last Wednesday class. I will work on my silly pen and ink drawing that I have no idea of what it’s supposed to be. Maybe I’ll do something completely different as long as I can finish it in one morning. I like working with the pen and ink and would like to invest in them myself and also get the colored inks. They are a lot of fun to work with. I like them better than working with paints. I like how they are just a bit transparent, yet cover the spaces quickly. You can use any size brush and work as small or as large as you want with them. Or just use the pen and draw. I have a lot of ideas of what I could do with colored inks if I had them myself. I’m going to look for them when I go to Action and hopefully they’ll have them there and they won’t be too expensive. I am participating in a Card Exchange in January and would like to make some of my own cards and the inks would be prefect for that.
After that, I have one more creative class on Friday and that will be it. Then I have some time off until the therapy starts at the SPC. That stands for the Social Psychiatric Center, by the way. It’s almost the same in Dutch as it is in English. Het Sociale Psychiatrisch Centrum. I’ll miss my creative classes, but I think it will also be good to do something different in a different location with a different therapist. It will give me a whole new point of view and maybe I’ll learn new techniques and discover hidden talents. A new environment can be stimulating and release new ideas and give me courage to try new things. I sure hope that I don’t start repeating myself and redo all the things I have done so far just to prove that I can do it. I already know what I want to start with there. I have the idea about that fixed in my head and it has to do with aboriginal art. I saw some examples of it there and I want to try it myself.
Alright, it’s time for me to go to bed. First I will take my medicines and have something to eat. Then I will get my books and go lay me down to read and, perchance, to sleep. Well, I better. I have to get up early.
I hope you will all have a good night and that your morning will bring you good weather. Unfortunately, it’s going to rain here, which is really a bummer. I do so dislike getting wet, but you already knew that.
Ciao,
Nora
>I can do anything…
>
I slept for such a long time last night. First I fell asleep on the sofa, then I sort of woke up and very drowsily took my medicines and changed into my pajamas. I got into bed and tried to read my book, but it was impossible and instead I went straight to sleep again. The alarm clock woke me at 7 am, otherwise I would still be asleep, I think.
I was going to make a new work of art for the Art Exchange last night, but instead I looked through the work that I already had done and found the perfect thing for it. It’s an acrylic painting on watercolor paper and it will do just fine. I just have to get a large enough envelope to send it in today. I’m assuming I can buy those at Action, so I will go over there this morning. Doubtlessly, I will see other things I like very much there and I’ll have to contain myself and not go into a shopping frenzy.
I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and that really breaks up the day, so that I feel that I can’t get anything serious started. This makes me feel anxious, as though I’m running behind and have to try and get caught up with myself, though why I feel that way is kind of a mystery and I think it is just free floating anxiety that I have to try and get over, if not by myself, then with the help of a pill. Yeah, that’s a good idea. When anxious, take a pill.
No, really, when anxious, slow down and take a good look at everything and re-evaluate the whole situation and reconsider what you’re getting anxious about and then try to find out if it’s worth it. If any of these things that you are stressing about are the cause of your anxiety attack, then they need to be eliminated as quickly as possible from the list of causes and relegated to a lesser position of importance in your life. And you need to ask for help from people around you who can help you lighten whatever load you think you are carrying around with you. That’s the way it works.
So, I need to get back to three basic things this week. My appointment with my SPN, my appointment with Social Services on Thursday, and getting the apartment cleaned up for J’s visit this weekend. That’s more then enough to worry about right now. That’s about all I can handle, really. I worry about getting the apartment cleaned up. That always seems to be the hardest job and the one I have the most trouble with. Next week I’ll mail the art project and start work on the story that I’m committed to write for an on line magazine. I’ll tell you more about that soon.
There, that takes care of that.
For reasons that anyone is on a white bread diet, the dog is on a white bread diet right now, so I make him meat sandwiches with it. Luckily, he likes them very much if I hand feed him and it fills him up well enough. He is very satisfied afterwards and shows no interest whatsoever in his regular food, so I’ll not feed him that for a while until things get back to normal. He had an accident in the living room last night and was very embarrassed about it. I did not make any big deal out of it but just cleaned it up. The poor dog can’t help it. That’s why I bought those loaves of bread on sale. They are always handy to have around. I just took him out a while ago and the problem hasn’t resolved itself yet, so more sandwiches it is. I think it’s because he ate something off the street and what it was is a mystery to me. It was gone in a flash. He is a scavenger. An opportunity eater.
I did end up taking two extra Oxazepams and they are working now and have quieted me down quite a bit, although I did of course organize my own head better before that. I appreciate the calm feeling I get from the pills and the fact that I don’t have to fight my emotions as hard. It’s like moving from a storm at sea into calm waters and I am so glad that I have the pills to take, although I do appreciate the fact that you have to solve the problem and not ignore it by taking pills that cover up your feelings. I think I’ve faced the problems and figured out what was wrong and got my head straight about that.
The one silver lining in the clouds is the visit from J. which I am looking forward to very much. Also because it is making me clean up the apartment, although I dislike doing it, but otherwise it wouldn’t get done and I would sit in the mess forever. This visit from him is a great motivator to get it done and I will feel good about it afterwards. Since most of the mess is from the animals, I am seriously considering not having any animals again after these are gone. I think that 80% if not more of the cleaning that I do involves the messes from the animals, the dust, the dirt, the hair…I’ve never had such a hard time keeping a place clean. So, when these animals are gone, there will be no new animals to take their place. At the most, I will have one cat, if at all. I can’t allow myself to get sentimental about it either. The fact is that I can’t keep up with the housework and when I look at the dirt, I see it’s from the animals.
Right, that’s another decision made.
I guess I’m getting to the point where I’m getting my priorities in order. Both the present ones and the future ones. That’s because I’m living less with my head in the clouds and more with both feet on the ground and am facing reality more and my own ability to deal with things. The truth is, that I have a limited stamina and a low threshold for stress and I must be careful not to take on too much responsibility yet unawares I do, because I don’t pay attention to what I can handle. I get excited about things and attached or enthused without thinking about the longer term consequences for myself. And then I never get around to facing the reality of the situation and let myself get snowed under, all the while avoiding looking the issue straight in the face and acknowledging the problems I have with it.
I did say yesterday that I didn’t want to get serious this week, but I can’t make good on my promise. I have to get serious today. I found myself in a pickle and I had to talk myself through it and out of it. I feel much better now and able to face the things that require my immediate attention.
Laundry! That is it to start with and it’s not raining, so it can dry outside. That’s very appealing, although it’s supposed to rain again tomorrow, oh, such doom sayers.
Right, I’ll get to work then and start the job of getting things in order. I see some dirt I have to tackle on my knees, no less. I requires some scrubbing. And then there are all the dusty surfaces to wipe clean. Hurray!
Have a good day. I hope yours involves doing many fun things.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 