Archive for December 8, 2009
>Decisions…
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My SPN and I have decided that I am not going to start at the SPC until January. At least, I have decided that and she has concurred. She said for me to say that it was my intention to start in January, so I won’t feel like I let anybody down if I don’t quite make it then. I found out today that I can go there three afternoons a week and that I can start immediately, but the therapist there that I talked to over the phone this morning, after missing my appointment, also said I could start in January if I wanted to. She was not upset about me missing the appointment, by the way, but concerned about me not being able to make it. That’s what I’m running into, people who are concerned about me and want to help.
My SPN and I are going to try and get me help in the household. She is going to send away for the papers to apply for the budget now and the whole procedure will take about 8 weeks. I purposely did not clean up the apartment before she came over this afternoon so that she could see what a mess it has been for the last 3 weeks, nor did I have the energy to do it. It totally defeated me.
I was pretty much a mess when she was here this afternoon, after I had already been a mess over the phone with the therapist from the SPC. This afternoon I bawled my eyes out, simply because that’s what I needed to do and I felt very much in despair. Now I feel that I need to be over that and that I have to pull myself together and not make such a fuss. I also feel that the sword of Damocles is still hanging over my head, but maybe I can ignore it for a while. I so very much want a feeling of peace and serenity that I am willing to ignore whatever is about to happen in the future, however unpleasant that is.
Look, I realize that I’m depressed now and that it colors my perspective on everything in my life. That’s why I want to step out of it for a while and not participate. If I act from this frame of mind nothing much good is going to come out of it. I can put as much as possible on hold and wait until I am in a better frame of mind to deal with it. That takes a lot of the pressure of. I won’t feel so terribly stressed that way.
I also want to talk about other things.
The dog is healthy again. I have been feeding him a combination of gourmet dog food and white bread and now his diarrhea is gone. He has finished his antibiotics and should be cured now. The ointments that I apply twice a day have made his eyes a lot better. They no longer have that discharge and they are not as red. I have to keep applying them nonstop. I can’t take a break from them and let any time go by without using them, because the problem recurs after a while. He likes the white bread very much and thinks it’s a real treat. Since he has a tendency to have loose bowel movements anyway, I’m going to keep giving it to him. It makes the pick up easier.
He’s been such a good dog and not at all badly behaved. I find that if he gets enough to eat and gets his regular walks, he is fine, although he does have a tendency to want more of something if he likes it a lot. I just have to ignore him then and I pretend I don’t see him looking at me with his big droopy eyes. If I show him my empty hands and tell him it’s all gone, he gets the message too, although it’s very dubious how much he actually hears and how much body language he interprets. I know he is always watching me to get his clues from me and I don’t depend so much on him hearing me as I do on him seeing what I want him to do. I think he knows how to lipread and read facial expressions.
The cats are fine and are always in their vigilant positions in the kitchen hoping something exciting will happen, like maybe I will open up a package of dog food or pour myself some milk or turn on the cold water faucet. Never mind that there is a dish of water standing right there. That is old water and they don’t want that. They want new water from the faucet.
I don’t know what to blame this depression on, but it could be a number of things. It could be a coincidence of circumstances. A piling up of all the wrong things at the wrong time. I’m usually very good at the ostrich policy. I guess that this time it’s not going to work.
Ciao,
Nora
>Late at night…
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It’s late at night again and I’m finding it impossible to go to sleep. I did fall asleep on the sofa for a while in the evening, but I never did make it to bed, and I have been up since 10:30 pm answering emails and reading blogs that I had been neglecting to read the past two days or so. I follow too many to read them all, or at least to comment on all of them. Sometimes when I get to some of them, they already have 36 comments and I just don’t bother anymore. I figure my 2 cents worth isn’t going to make a difference. Sometimes I don’t have anything good to say, so I don’t say anything at all. I can’t always be witty and astute and sometimes anything I’d say would be pretty redundant.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking also in the hours that I’ve been up and I’ve come to the conclusion that frankly, I don’t care anymore. I’m throwing in the towel. Calling it quits. I’m not going to make the effort anymore and by that I mean that I’m not going to go to my appointment at the SPC tomorrow morning and that I’m going to turn down the classes. I’m also not going to go to the remaining creative therapy classes on Mondays and Fridays anymore. I’m giving it all up, because I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have the courage or the stamina to do it any longer. I’m retiring from life and I’m only going to participate in the least possible way that I can.
I can’t deal with the demands that are put on me and live up to the expectations, nor do I think that I am able to fulfill my promises. I’m barely able to deal with the demands of my very simple life and I’m not doing a very good job of it. I feel permanent stress because of it. I feel like I am an animal that needs to retreat into its cave and be safe there and only come out for quick forages. I don’t feel safe outside of it. I want the world to go on existing without me in it. I don’t want to participate. I’m getting off at this station.
There’s going to be outrage and all I can say is, “I’m sorry, I can’t do it anymore.” That’s what I’ll say to anybody who demands anything from me from this point forward. “I just can’t do it anymore.”
Maybe I’m depressed without knowing it. If I am, then this is a symptom of it. There are others, such as not taking care of myself and the apartment. I let everything go. I don’t have the energy to deal with it. I only want to do things that are pleasant to me, such as sit behind the computer and sleep on the sofa. I hate getting dressed, but do it because I have to walk the dog. I would sit in my pajamas all day long if it was up to me. I would like to take sleeping pills during the day and sleep. Well, I already do that a lot, don’t I?
I’m reluctant to sleep during the night, because that’s when I feel safe about being awake. There’s nothing that can harm me during the night and no demands are made on me. Nobody is going to call me up or come to the door or have me come to an appointment.
So, that’s it then. I won’t make any other major decisions until I’ve talked to my SPN or my psychiatrist. I may be totally nuts. At least I’m harmless.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 