Archive for books
>An early morning tale…
>
I am sat here with my usual cup of coffee and I find myself quite contend. I feel that there’s not much that can go wrong now this early in the morning before the day has properly started. I’m still yawning a little bit, but another cup of coffee will take care of that. It’s nice to be up and sit here and enjoy the early hours of the day. All is quiet around me and the animals are asleep.
I feel like minor royalty in her realm, as if I’m the head of a very small state in which only I rule. All my subjects are sound asleep and all is well with the state of affairs. Oh no, I don’t have visions of grandeur. Only the need to have peace and quiet in my life. What better way to achieve that than to be in charge. It’s only a very small kingdom I rule.
My Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I must take a shower before she gets here. It will be nice to get that out of the way and to be clean and refreshed. I will have to put on some clean clothes and I will have to magically make an outfit appear out of the closet. No doubt I am capable of that. I always manage to come up with something.
In about an hour and a half I will take my medicines. I’ve cut my anti-psychotics down by half and starting this Friday, I will have cut down my anti-depressives by a third. My psychiatrist thinks this is doable. We’re going to keep me at these doses for a while and see how I do on them before we make any more changes. We’re going to cut down the anti-depressives more before we do anything else with the anti-psychotics. I feel good so far and I have a lot more energy. I’m not so sleepy and lethargic during the day.
Since today is Wednesday, I don’t have an awful lot to do. It will be a fairly quiet day, but those are welcome too. It turned out that I did have a load of laundry to do, as I pulled some clothes out of my closet that needed washing. I’m going to change the sheets on my bed and that will make going to bed tonight an extra pleasure, although it always is. That’s one thing I look forward to every night. Going to bed and listening to the radio while I fall asleep.
Maybe today I will get a chance to sit down and read my book, something that I’ve found impossible to do lately. I’ve felt that I’ve been too distracted to give it the proper attention. Since I’ve stopped reading in bed at night, I’ve found it hard to sit down in my armchair during the day and do it. Something is always pulling my attention away from it, if not my own thoughts that meander all over the place, but nowhere important. It’s a very good book filled with interesting details and really requires me to sit down and give it my full attention, which is something I can’t seem to do now, but I’m going to give it a try today.
My bookcase is filled with good books that I still need to read if I ever get around to them. I end up sitting in my chair and daydreaming about nothing in particular at all. None of my thoughts are very deep and heavy and I’m not solving any of the world’s problems. I just let my mind wander and touch down here and there like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. It’s the most uncomplicated way to spend time. I’m glad I’m relieved of thinking depressing thoughts that weigh down heavily on my shoulders. That’s all behind me now. I’ve passed that stage.
Well, I’m going to read some blogs until it’s time to make my move. The day is young yet. The sun won’t be up for awhile. I’m switching to cold milk. I’ve had enough coffee. I’m very thirsty and it will be most welcome.
Have a nice day!
Ciao,
Nora
>During the night…
>
I’m drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, although it’s awfully early to be up already. No doubt this means that I will go back to bed later, but it is Christmas day and everything is allowed. I didn’t hang my stocking, because Santa Claus was not expected here, so I don’t have to inspect it for any goodies, although some mandarin oranges would have been nice. I did have some cookies as a treat last night before I went to bed and I shared them with Tyke. They were in the care package I received. We enjoyed them very much and there are enough left to last the weekend.
It finally stopped snowing sometime at the end of the afternoon yesterday after it had snowed for more than 24 hours. Limburg got about 50 cm of snow. There was a strong wind also that blew the snow sideways. Nevertheless, the Exfactor managed to get here by train and bring me the extra mobile phone, bless his heart. He is a noble knight indeed. I told him that this was over and beyond the call of duty, but he considered it a matter of honor.
There was some question if my sim-card was undamaged, but when we put it in the other mobile phone we found out that it was and that it worked fine. It recognized my code and it did have all my phone numbers in its memory. All we had to do was recharge the phone. Since then I’ve played with it and changed all the sounds it can make and I’ve picked out a jazzy tune for when it rings. Now I just want someone to call me. Hopefully, that will happen soon, although my sister called when it was still playing Pachelbel’s Canon.
I really have to stop and remind myself that it’s Christmas, although it’s a white one, because it feels just like an ordinary weekend. My sister and I are supposed to go on a guided town walk, but we won’t go if the weather is bad. It’s going to be partly sunny today, but there may be a cold wind blowing, so we will have to see. It would be nice to stay home and read a good book also. There’s quite a bit of snow out there, so it may be tough going.
Anyway, have a Merry Christmas you all. I hope you enjoy yourselves a lot and eat well and get lots of good presents.
Ciao,
Nora
>The sound of snow…
>
It rained during the night and in the morning, turning all the snow and ice into slush and puddles. Then it snowed for a couple of hours this afternoon, but it just added to the mess on the ground and turned it into more slush. There isn’t a soul outside and I don’t think anyone in their right mind would go out there, because it’s miserable. It’s just started snowing again and it doesn’t look very appealing. The weather forecast changes all the time. I don’t think anyone knows what the weather will bring.
I was up early this morning and had my coffee and cigarettes and wrote a post for one of my other blogs, but when I was done with that, I went back to bed and slept until past noontime. That’s what I really needed. It was very pleasant and when I woke up I felt like I was really done sleeping. Sometimes I’m too optimistic when I get up early in the morning and I should really stay in bed and sleep some more. Especially on a day like today.
Tyke got into the old books that were on the bookcase in my bedroom and tore them apart. There is a total mess in my bedroom and I haven’t had the courage to clean it up yet. I’ll have to get a trash bag and throw everything away. I didn’t notice a thing while I was asleep. It looks like he had a frenzy. Imagine me not waking up from that.
He didn’t look the least bit guilty when I got up. He was wagging his tail. I just moaned and wondered when he was going to outgrow this behavior. He had several of his toys to play with in the bedroom, so I thought he wouldn’t be bored, but I was wrong. He does get his revenge on me when I sleep. At least he doesn’t get into any good stuff in the rest of the apartment. Knock on wood.
The snow is starting to stay on the ground, so that means it’s cold enough. I do feel it cooling off in here. The heater should start up any moment now.
Well, I’m off to clean up the mess and to put the trash out. A most frustrating job.
Ciao,
Nora
>Coffee and cigarettes…
>
I’m accidentally awake. I went to bed at 8 pm yesterday evening, because I was so tired of the lack of sleep from the night before, and woke up at what I thought was 4 am. Good, I thought, I have slept 8 hours. I got up and let Tyke out back and made coffee and then sat at the dining table and made cigarettes.
When I was very leisurely sitting there, having my cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette, I noticed what the true time was. It was 1:40 am. Man, and I was wide awake. I had been up for 20 minutes already. I was too awake to go back to bed. I was wide awake as a matter of fact. I had been ready to start the day. My mind and body had been fooled into thinking it was morning and there had been no doubt about it at all.
There were no last vestiges of sleep left in me and now I just have to wait to get tired again. It will hopefully happen sometime towards the morning and luckily I have no appointments today, so I can sleep late if I want to.
I have already emailed with my daughter and ordered a book she recommended by Frances Falk called ‘On My Own’ and it is about successfully being a single woman. It’s available at Amazon. Being a single woman, and probably staying one for the rest of my life, I can use a book like that. I do want to be successful at it in any case. There are enough books on how to have successful relationships, but to have one with yourself as a single woman? I think a lot can be written about it and it will all be helpful.
It would be unfair to say that we, as single women, try to desperately carve out a place for ourselves in today’s society as if there is no room for us. We must create that room and assume it is there and take advantage of the opportunities. It is only our own lack of assertiveness that stops us. If we’re brave enough, there is nothing that can stop us.
We no longer live in Victorian times when single women were old maids who were superfluous and lived at the mercy of the goodwill of their families and society. Nor do we live in the 1950’s when we were all supposed to wear aprons and run house and turn out 2.4 children and bake cookies and live happily ever after and were failures if we didn’t. What happened to single women then? Did they hang out in nightclubs and pick up married men?
We’re full fledged members of society now and there’s no getting around us. We are a group of people to be taken into account and the corporate world and the political world will have to pay attention to us and make an appeal to us. We can make our opinions count and I hope that will happen in the best feminist way possible.
Enough of the soapbox.
I’m sitting here drinking ice cold milk now, which is cooling down my whole body. That’s the drawback of that, but it does taste good and it is mighty thirst quenching. I had 3 cups of coffee and thought that was about enough of that. I don’t want to get that wired, since I do make my coffee awfully strong. When you grind your beans for a coffee drip system, you have to grind them very fine, otherwise the water will run through too quickly and the coffee will turn out too weak. Lesson number one.
I do feel better than I did yesterday, when I was either flying higher than a kite or was floored due to plain exhaustion. In both situations I tried to make sense and I hope I succeeded. Neither state of mind is exactly optimal, but I don’t think I go too far off the mark either way. Fools and drunks always state the truth, as do children. Count me amongst them.
My SPN noticed that I had lost weight and it is indeed true, I have lost a few kilos. No doubt that is due to all those sardines I eat for dinner. They are good for you and the little bit of oil they are packed in makes you regular. I also like to eat teaspoons of peanut butter, but it doesn’t take much to fill me up. For a treat I eat chocolate paste once a week. Mmm… I should really eat Nutella and I’ll put that on the shopping list next. It’s better for you with all those hazelnuts in it.
I have a food intolerance for grains and cheese and have cut them out of my diet. I do much better without them. I have for some time now and can’t believe the difference. It’s a lot of relief. They were such a part of my diet that it took me all this time to figure it out. They made me gain weight too.
It’s early morning now and I made it through another night. I will take my medicines now and get into some other kind of trouble, no doubt. I’m not tired and will not go to bed yet. Tyke’s done a poop by the back door that I have to clean up and Gandhi has just barfed. Isn’t it a wonderful life? Animals are such a pleasure.
Have a nice day!
Ciao,
Nora
>Stress-less.
>
I had so much anxiety that I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Everywhere I looked, the black dog prowled around and I don’t mean Tyke by that. I couldn’t find any peace of mind. I finally took two tranquilizers and they have now started to work and I feel a bit calmer. I have also asked for my psychiatrist to call me, because I want to talk to him before I see him on Friday. I must get some help before that time if I’m to survive in one piece.
At the suggestion of someone very smart, I’ve asked the powers who are in charge to move my domestic help to another time and/or day, so that I will be able to go to my creative class on Monday afternoon. I had not even thought of that myself. It’s a good thing that someone else out there was doing the thinking for me.
This morning I paid the bills and got my paperwork in order. I made up the packages to mail, but I didn’t go to the post office. It was beyond me and I’m planning on doing it tomorrow morning. Going somewhere is a real chore. I have to build up a whole strategy around it. I can’t just spontaneously walk out the door. Everything takes a lot of courage that I’m short of.
The smallest things are super complicated and I have to think the process through all the way to the end before I begin them, otherwise they are too intimidating. It can be something as simple as watering the plants. It seems like a very difficult chore and like it is too much responsibility for me. I could kill them by giving them too much or too little water, so I do nothing and put it off. I will get it done this afternoon and write it down in my agenda. I’m going to write down all my little achievements. It will make it look like I am still capable. Like I’m still worth something. It will make my agenda look full too.
I’ve just had a cup of coffee and it has straightened out my head. It’s funny how I always need a cup of coffee to do that for me or I can’t think straight. It makes such a difference. I make six cups in the morning, but I don’t drink them all. I reheat a cup as I need it in the microwave. It’s a little bitter, but it does the job and I take milk in it, so that softens the blow. I could never function without coffee and I don’t know how people manage on tea alone. I would be very miserable on it. I would not do well at all.
The tranquilizers are working properly now and I’m not filled with anxiety anymore. I’m actually feeling relaxed, as far as that is possible. They do take a load of my mind and I should always feel this way. Life would be so much more manageable and easier to take and the black dog has retreated. He’s now lurking in the foothills.
Suddenly things don’t seem so overwhelming anymore and I think I can now water the plants without having a nervous breakdown. I think I can even hang up the laundry and make my bed. It’s even possible that I will be able to read my book again, which I have not been able to do for a couple of days. That would be very nice. I’ve gotten more books in the mail and I now have all the books that I had ordered with the gift certificate that I got from my daughter. I have enough reading material anyway, so it’s a shame when I don’t have the concentration to read. I haven’t even been able to watch television.
Tyke’s having a lie down in the sunshine on the dining table and is watching the children get out of school. It’s one of his favorite pastimes, because he does like children so very much. Every once in a while a dog also walks by on a leash and that really gets his attention, but he never barks, he just looks. I think he likes little dogs the most. They seem to really perk him up. He’s just a friendly little guy and thinks the world is filled with equally friendly creatures.
Well, you’ve been witness to a metamorphosis. I’ve gone from anxious to calm. I think I will have one more cup of coffee and then get on with the chores. I have courage now, so I have to grab the bull by the proverbial horns.
Have a good rest of the day.
Ciao,
Nora
>Rites of passage.
>
It’s officially Saturday, although you can’t really speak of morning yet. It’s still in the middle of the night, but by the time I finish writing this, it will be so close to dawn that it will be almost morning. I’m glad that it’s officially Saturday, because I feel that I can go back to bed at any time and sleep until I’m done sleeping and ready to get up again, although it may not actually take me that long.
Since I’ve quit smoking, I’ve started taking short naps during the day and they help me get through the occasional craving I may have for a cigarette, so I’m never really super tired and I’m done sleeping quickly. I also spend a lot of time reading to take my mind of cigarettes, so I don’t exactly get exhausted from physical activity. Reading is my main activity and it works very well to keep me occupied, but it’s not very tiring.
I think I take naps to relieve my mind of the thoughts of smoking and because it’s a distraction to lie in bed and listen to the radio and doze off for a short time. I just as easily get up again and move to my armchair to continue reading.
I think the period of quitting smoking is a huge time out from regular life and it is a period during which nothing is quite as normal as it usually is. It is a time of coping and waiting. You wait for your body to forget the actual habit of cigarette smoking. I still have the tendency to want to light up a cigarette and I’m waiting for that to dissipate and disappear altogether. I don’t want that to be part of my second nature anymore. I don’t want it to be an automatic reaction to any given situation, innocent as it is, rewarding as it might have been.
I know that in time my body and my mind will forget about this habit and it will not be second nature anymore. I will get used to not subconsciously wanting to reach for a cigarette and my lighter. I can already drink a cup of coffee without associating it with the need to smoke. Which is good, because I need my cups of coffee.
Every once in a while, though, a very strong urge to smoke hits me and I’m ready to go to my neighbor and beg for a cigarette. Pride and a dislike for my neighbor withhold me from doing so. They are nosy enough as it is. Besides, that would be one cigarette and I would still have to do without the rest of the time and it wouldn’t help me one bit. It would just be a very temporary satisfaction.
I finished reading ‘When We Were Orphans’ last night and was very much impressed with it. The ending was especially exciting and very surprising and not at all what I was expecting. It was such a well written book and so very much believable that you started to think it had really happened, but of course it was impossible, but it is the hallmark of a great book and I wonder about the author’s research for it. This is the kind of novel that will stay in my memory for a long time.
I started reading ‘Man Walks Into Room’ by Nicole Krauss. I’ve read this book before, but it was in a muddled past and I have forgotten nearly all of it, so it’s like reading a new book. I’m looking forward very much to finishing it, because I remember enjoying it very much before and being impressed with it and I will read it all day today, unless I get distracted by the television. There are some cultural programs on this morning, so maybe…
My apartment is very clean, as the domestic help was here yesterday and it also seems to stay cleaner since I’ve quit smoking. There’s less dust and no ashes and tobacco and the whole place looks better. I told the domestic help that whatever she cleaned well now would stay clean and there would not be that brown film on everything. She’s been cleaning with ammoniac to get that off everything. She’s a smoker herself and that’s how she cleans at home. The one that comes on Monday also did a good job and that’s the day I quit, so it made a difference from that day onward.
I think I will go back to bed for a little while and listen to the radio and see if I have any sleep left in me. I will find out soon enough if I’m done sleeping and if I should start the day officially now. According to Tyke it’s not time yet, because he’s sound asleep on the sofa. Gandhi is sound asleep in the armchair. It’s still early in the morning and I haven’t heard a sound yet outside. It’s even too early for the paper delivery person.
I hope you all have a good day.
Ciao,
Nora
>Wednesday night and all is well…
>
I’ve already been asleep for awhile, but as is usual, I woke up and am wide awake again. I had a cup of coffee, but now I’m drinking cold milk and it is tasting very good. It fills my stomach and quenches my thirst. I don’t feel like eating. For some reason my stomach feels very full and all I’ve had today was a peanut butter sandwich.
I didn’t go back to sleep last night, but read my book until it was morning. I did doze off in the armchair a couple of times. I should have gone back to bed and set the alarm clock for 8 am, but I was stubborn and decided to stay up. It’s a mistake I won’t make quickly again because it bothered me for the rest of the day. I’m just now recuperated from it.
The men with the sofa got here at 10 am. The sofa easily fit through the front door and the hallway into the living room where it was unpacked and put in place. It’s a nice sofa, very modern in a pretty gray color, but I should not have gotten the throw pillows with the lime green covers for it. That doesn’t look good. I definitely need red covers for them to tie in with the color of one of the arm chairs, and the curtain in front of the door that I don’t use, and the red window shades. The colors in the living room need to be red and black and gray. I didn’t figure all of that out until way later in the day.
I have to get new shades for the living room windows tomorrow morning to replace the rather discolored ones that are there now, and I’m going to get a brighter shade of red than I have now. It’s going to match the other shades of red in the living room better. I have ordered new covers for the pillows and they will be here in the afternoon. That will tie the whole thing together.
I mounted different collages in the frames above the sofa and put a different movie poster in the frame by the living room windows. I just wanted a change. I don’t know if I’m happy with it yet. I have to think about it. I may change it still.
I was actually too tired to be making decisions about changes and needed to go to sleep. I canceled my appointment with my psychiatrist and asked the secretary for him to call me later in the afternoon, after I had slept. We could make a new appointment then.
I slept for a couple of hours, but not nearly long enough and I felt like a wrung out dishcloth when I got up. I had no energy for anything, but I did realize what was wrong with the living room and was bound and determined to set it to rights.
I finished the autobiography that I was reading and will start on ‘When We Were Orphans’ next. That will be shortly as I’m not nearly ready to go to bed yet, though I don’t want to stay up all night like I did last night. I did learn my lesson. I don’t want to read in bed, though, because there’s the danger that Tyke will get a hold of my book and shred it to pieces. Besides, when I’m in bed, I like to listen to the radio and let my thoughts wander.
Have a good night you all.
Ciao,
Nora
>Encore un fois…
>
I’m following my usual ‘get up in the middle of the night’ routine and have just made myself some coffee to get the last few remnants of sleep out of my system. Not that there are that many there. I’m pretty perky as usual and could do my whole administration and not make any mistakes. I want to do something far more pleasant that that, however, and write down my thoughts and musings on no particular subject at all. That means that I’ll probably touch on many bases.
I read a lot yesterday and finished another book. I have now read A Virtuous Woman and Ellen Foster, both novels by Kaye Gibbons. She is a good writer with a unique voice and she writes with an intensity that makes you want to finish her novels in one fell swoop. That’s not hard to do since they aren’t big and you can finish one in just a few hours. They are very concise and to the point, but tell a whole big story with enough detail so you don’t feel shortchanged one bit. You like her characters, though they are not at all perfect people, and you want things to end well for them, though there are not necessarily happy endings.
I am now reading Don’t let’s Go To The Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller. It’s a very well written autobiography about her childhood in Rhodesia. The war for independence seen from a white farmer child’s point of view. It’s extremely interesting. I love the title and it alone intrigues, but I like books about white settlers in Africa and what their experiences were there. Another book I really like about that subject is The Grass Is Singing by Doris Lessing. It’s a sad story, but written with a lot of compassion.
I think I will be reading When We Were Orphans next, by Kazuo Ishiguro. He’s the same author who also wrote The Remains Of The Day. He was born in Japan, but has lived in England since he was 5 years old. The story plays in Shanghai and England in the 1930’s, before WWII, and is of mystery and nostalgia and memories that go back to before that time. I loved The Remains Of The Day, so I’m looking forward to this book in particular.
I find that reading is one way to forget about smoking. I become so involved with whatever novel I’m reading that I forget all about cigarettes. I find it easier to get involved with a book and the storyline, maybe because I’m not distracted by my smoking. Maybe smoking is bad for your attention span and you lose your train of thought. Anything is possible.
Not smoking has certainly simplified my life. I can simply sit down wherever I want without having to arrange to have my cigarettes and ashtray and lighter there. I can just sit down without all the paraphernalia and get up again and move to another spot without a problem. I’m unencumbered. There’s a freedom in that. All I need is my peppermints and something to drink, though that has gotten less too and I don’t drink nearly the large amount of fluids that I used to. I’m not as thirsty and I think that is because I don’t smoke. I guess it dehydrated me.
I have not started eating more to compensate for the lack of cigarettes. I think that’s because I’m not going through nicotine withdrawal. I eat the same portions of food that I normally do. I’m definitely not planning on gaining any weight. That’s not part of the program, especially not since I lost 9 kilos this year, or maybe more, I don’t remember. If anything, I’m planning on continuing to lose weight, although I hope that the peppermints I eat don’t hinder that.
The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries. I had him pick me up some chunky liverwurst, because, despite my misgivings about the meat industry, I did have some worries about getting enough protein in my diet. I thought the liverwurst would be easy to eat for me, because I did so well with the paté at my sister’s party. Well, it turns out that I don’t like the chunks in chunky liverwurst. They remind me too much of meat and where the meat came from. I guess I like my meat products to be in unrecognizable form and not in anyway to remind me of the animal, especially if it’s a cold meat product. My imagination works overtime. The Exfactor is now going to go to the Lidl close to his house and buy a few patés and see if I like those better. I’m sure I will and I look forward to him bringing those over on Thursday.
Ostensibly, he’s coming over to look at my sofa, but I think he just wants an excuse to come over, because he likes coming here. My sofa is going to be delivered this morning between 8:45 and 11:00, so there will be no sleeping late for me if I desire to go back to bed. I think I will stay up and read and watch the nightly repeat of the news. I never did get to watch the news last night and feel hopelessly uninformed.
Tyke seems to be cured of what was ailing him, so those antibiotics worked quickly. I’m sure it was that shot that set him right. He gets a pill once a day wrapped up in a slice of luncheon meat and he likes that so much that I’m sure he’d like it for the rest of his life, three times a day. Gandhi gets a slice to, but she’s a finicky eater and doesn’t finish all of hers. That leaves the rest for Tyke and he’s no picky eater. Gandhi takes little bites of her slice of meat and takes forever to finish half of it. Tyke gulps his down in one fell swoop. he doesn’t even take time to chew properly. That’s why it is so easy to hide the pill in it. I guess that’s a blessing then. You can’t do that with a cat.
I’m planning on finishing that autobiography tonight. I will sit in my armchair and do nothing but read. Hopefully I will have it finished by the morning. I will make that my goal for this night. It will not be to sleep, but to read. I can always sleep. There are enough quiet moments to go lie down and from this morning on there will even be a sofa again.
I have to go see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I’m sure he will be pleased that I’ve quit smoking and am still sane. It is a miracle isn’t it? I never thought I would be this calm. I thought I was going to be much more of a frantic person. I suppose I am very determined. I’m aiming for a 100% success rate on all fronts.
I have to get rid of that nasty little cough. If I still have it next week, I’m going to the doctor to ask him for an antibiotic, because maybe it’s a bit of chronic bronchitis, which wouldn’t surprise me after all that smoking. I never paid attention to it before and just accepted it as a smoker’s cough, but that’s ridiculous, of course. You should never accept things like that. Not even subconsciously.
It’s raining outside and 16C, so it’s not real cold. It’s supposed to clear up later today, but not get much warmer. There’s to be partial sun and clouds. That doesn’t sound too bad. Sunrise will be at 7:15 am. That’s late. It’s staying darker longer all the time.
I hope you will all have a nice morning.
Ciao,
Nora
>Oops, don’t do that!
>
It’s in the middle of the night and I’m having my cup of coffee. I’ve already slept a couple of hours and got up a while ago. I just had a dirty, stinking cigarette that I made with the tobacco crumbs that I had saved in a pot in the cupboard where I also had the filter tubes. It was not such a positive experience. It made me cough, it made my chest hurt, it made my eczema itch and it made me light in the head, plus it gave me a general feeling of sickness. I think I will flush those tobacco crumbs down the toilet, so I will not be tempted to make another cigarette. That will be for the best. I don’t need that kind of temptation in a weak moment when maybe my nicotine patch is not working optimally anymore.
The worst thing is the itch from my eczema. It is just possible that as I never smoke again, it will clear up completely, because all day yesterday it didn’t bother me. If I diligently apply the ointment now, it is very possible that it will disappear and that would be great. It’s been with me for so long that I don’t remember doing without it. The chest pain bothers me too, though, and I’m sure that’s a bronchial thing. My poor body is just protesting at the smoke and chemicals entering my system. It’s saying, no, don’t do this to me! It was a good lesson to smoke this cigarette and to see how I reacted to it. I think I will not do it again. It was a complete moment of madness.
I had to take Tyke to the vet yesterday. He had a bad case of the runs and was running a bit of a fever. Luckily, he likes going to the vet and thinks that all the dogs in the waiting room are there for him to visit with. He’s such an amiable guy and wants to make friends with all the dogs and their owners. He thinks everybody is great, including the vet, even though he put a thermometer in his butt and gave him a shot of antibiotics. He also gave him pills for three days and then Tyke should be over whatever ails him. He’s still lively and eats all his food, so he’s not suffering. The vet did say that there was a lot of noise in his intestines. Poor Tyke. Having noisy intestines is not good. Tyke seems unaware that he’s ill, though, and is his usual cheerful self. Gandhi can attest to that.
Gandhi has found a new favorite spot to sleep in, but the problem is that it is the armchair that I always sit in, so now we have to jockey for position. I hate to have to move her when she’s so peacefully sleeping, but I pick her up and put her on my lap, which she usually likes and sometimes not. Tyke gets jealous when she sits on my lap and tries to push her out with his nose. I try to prevent that, but I’m not always successful. I do have my hands full.
Eventually, everybody settles down and we are at peace and I can read my book and pet Gandhi at the same time. She is an affectionate little cat. Normally she doesn’t let herself get intimidated by Tyke, but he does test her patience on occasion and she has to remove herself from the scene, but the first one she goes looking for when she returns is Tyke. Tyke doesn’t realize what a privileged dog he is to get so much affection from Gandhi, in spite of the fact that he pesters her so much. He really loves her to pieces, but in his exuberance he gets a little carried away. He doesn’t realize that she’s a delicate cat and is not meant to be pounced on.
The morning is slowly approaching and, as usual, I’m not tired and I feel better than I have in the past when I still smoked. I think I will sit up the rest of the time until dawn and read my book. I’m more then halfway through it and very interested in the story. I will sit in my armchair by the reading light and have a tall glass of milk, which will leave me with just enough milk for a cup of coffee later on. The Exfactor is coming over today to do the groceries and that is good, because I’m almost out of milk and juice. I do have to make a shopping list and see if I have any money left in my bank account. That would be helpful.
I threw the tobacco crumbs away in the large trash bag and shook them down to the bottom. I will put something distasteful on top. There no longer is any thought of smoking another cigarette. I’ve put that behind me. I’m fine now.
I hope you all have a very good day and that your weather is beautiful.
Ciao,
Nora
>The day I quit smoking.
>
It’s now the afternoon of the day I quit smoking and things aren’t nearly as bad as I thought they were going to be. I thought I was going to be a nervous wreck by now, tearing out my hair and pacing the floor, searching through the trash for cigarette buds, being emotional and desperate, going to the gas station for a pack of cigarettes and all sorts of other things.
Well, I had all these scenarios in mind, but not the actual one, and that is that I’m pretty calm and only go through cravings sometimes and have a peppermint if I do. That seems to do the job. Every once in a while a sense of panic hits me when I realize that I can’t smoke, but I quickly subdue it and tell myself not to be a wuss. There are worse things in life.
I know that if I were to light a cigarette now, I would suffer from a terrible coughing fit and would not enjoy it at all. I would be bent over double from coughing, because I would not be used to smoking anymore. I do realize now that I had a chronic little cough with phlegm all day long and I really need to get rid of that and I’ll be happy when I have. It’s not healthy and it is my goal to be. I want my lungs to be clean and my bronchi to be in good shape.
I bought the bag of peppermints at the pharmacy. It’s a good thing that they sell candy there, because I bought it as an afterthought and it has come in so handy. It really takes care of the mild frustration I feel when I have a craving for a cigarette. When my mouth wants to be occupied.
I find keeping my mind occupied works well too. Reading is a good activity. I’ve started a new novel. A Virtuous Woman by Kaye Gibbons and I’m reading it quickly, because it’s that kind of a book. It reads very easily, but I think maybe I’m better able to read now that I’m not distracted by my smoking. I can pay better attention and not worry about the ashes falling on my book and having to light up another cigarette yet again.
Every once in a while I think, oh, I will light up a cigarette, but then I think, oh no, I will not, and am disappointed for just a split second, but I am immediately relieved again because I don’t have to. It’s not a compulsion. I can live without it.
The domestic help has been here and cleaned the apartment and I have also liberally sprayed all the rooms with air freshener and opened the windows wide. The ashtrays have been washed and put away. I will not be using them anymore, nor will anyone else, unless they go outside. It’s nice to have clean, never to be used again ashtrays. They will be museum pieces soon.
I wonder what smoking does to your psyche while you inhale all those different chemicals that manufacturers put in the tobacco to get you hooked? It must have all sorts of psychological effects on you that happen as a result of the chemical reactions in your brain. It can’t help but be a mood altering drug or drugs. I wonder very much how I am going to be feeling over the next weeks and months. I bet I’m going to see an improvement in my mood and my overall mental health. That’s something that really motivates me. I want to see how my total health improves.
I remember when I started smoking more than 40 years ago and how tough it was to start and how I really had to fight my body’s resistance against the nicotine. For some reason I was determined to smoke and within a very short time I was hooked. I never was hooked on anything else but nicotine, but it bit me good. I’m just as determined to quit now. I should say, to stay quit, because I already have quit.
I’m going to finish reading my book now. I have the feeling that I’ll be doing a lot of reading in the near future. Luckily, I have enough books to read. And interesting ones too.
Have a good afternoon!
Ciao,
Nora.
Another Splendid Day 