Archive for December, 2009
>Christmas Eve
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I slept well last night, about 9 hours, which is not bad when you consider I went to bed early too. I was in bed by 9:30 pm and asleep a short time after that. When I got up this morning, I was not quite done sleeping, but I had to get up on time and be functioning, because my sister and I were going grocery shopping early to avoid the crowds. Well, the whole neighborhood must have had the same idea, because there was already a crowd when we got there. So, we got our trolleys and split up and did our shopping and met again at the cash registers. I thought I had spent too much money, but the total wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated, which was a relief. I had bought some extras because of the holidays, because you do have to get into the swing of things a little bit and I had to buy food for Joost, who is going to be here the day after Christmas. He does have a healthy appetite.
After I got home and had unloaded everything, and had eaten breakfast, I went back to bed and slept for another two hours, because I just couldn’t wait to do that and while I was waiting for my sister to come and pick me up earlier, I had almost fallen asleep on the sofa. I think it’s because I’m back on my old dose of antipsychotics again, but I’d rather be sleepy than paranoid and, let’s face it, that’s what I was yesterday. As a matter of fact, I just had to call for a new recipe for them, because I didn’t realize I was almost out of them and I got my psychiatrist on the line and I told him I was taking three tablets and he didn’t complain about it or protest. He’s leaving it up to me, which I think is pretty decent of him. I do have to learn my own lessons, after all, and not climb in the phone to him every time something is wrong.
So, today I have to finish cleaning the apartment. I have to get on my knees and scrub the kitchen floor, especially the area where the animals always eat. It’s pretty messy there. You can tell it has not been cleaned for awhile. I’ve got a great scrub sponge, though, that works wonders. It and a little elbow grease will take care of it. Plus lots of sudsy warm water, of course. I’m a great believer in that and it feels good to put your hands in.
I also have to walk the dog again and I hope he forgets it for just a while, because I’m not quite ready yet. I’d like one more cup of coffee before I really get started. I so need that. And I would like to drink a tall glass of juice, because I’m very thirsty, so I suppose I’ll have that first.
I just noticed that a cat barfed under the coffee table, so that will be my first clean up job. Oh, aren’t I lucky? Fortunately, I have lots of paper towels.
I am most definitely not in the same mood I was in yesterday and I can only assume it is because of the medication and it seems to me that I have tried to do with less before and that it didn’t work out then either. I said at the time, that I would never decrease the amount again, but for some reason I had forgotten that or I thought it was necessary. I must remember not to do this, but to stick to this dose no matter what. Even if it does make me sleepy and a bit flat emotionally. It is preferable to how I felt yesterday, which was just awful and not at all the way I would want to go through life. I seemed to have forgotten my common sense and my optimism and I could only see the dark side of things and be suspicious of everything and everybody. What sort of an attitude is that?
Well, I must end this now. All sorts of duties call me. I’m sitting on the edge of my seat getting ready to do them.
Have a good day!
Ciao,
Nora
>Whichever way the wind blows.
>
It should have been a day like any other, but it wasn’t. I didn’t start the day out right, in that I did not feel good when I got up. I did not feel my normal cheerful self and after I walked the dog and ate my breakfast, I went to bed and slept a few more hours, thereby missing my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was not good, of course. I had called in sick. In reality I had a case of agoraphobia, which did not bide well for tomorrow when I had an appointment with my contact person at Social Services and already that was hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles.
After I got up from my extra sleep, I did not feel better, but very nervous and stressed and I decided to call my psychiatrist and fess up my lie and ask him for help with my appointment for the coming day. He thought my agoraphobia might be a result of my decreasing my medication. I told him about the great problem that I had with going to Socials Services and asked him to call my contact person and explain my situation to him and luckily he agreed to do that. He called me back a while later and said that he had taken care of it and that I didn’t have to go in tomorrow.
This should have brought me relief to no end, but I could not shake the feeling that there was something very wrong and that the sword of Damocles still hung over my head. I had taken a Temazepam to take care of my nerves, but it only seemed to help partially and I don’t want to take another one, because they make me feel groggy. I don’t like that drugged feeling unless there is no other solution.
I find myself in a position that I’m highly uncomfortable with what I’m sharing of myself with the world, as if it is going to be used against me. I’m suspicious of what each and everyone of you will do with the information you read here, that’s why I’m writing it down with the least amount of emotion. I’m also still afraid to go out the door and it was quite a battle to finally go and take the dog out. I don’t know what is out there that scares me so, but there you have it. I’m highly uncomfortable being here by myself and having nobody else here. I feel very vulnerable, as if I’m open to attack from unknown sources that lie in wait for me around the corner somewhere. I feel very vulnerable, that’s the main issue.
My psychiatrist said to try and increase my medication with half a tablet, so as not to get the erosion of feelings again. I’m going to try that in a little while. I hope it will do some good, because the way I feel now is no good. I harbor all sorts of suspicious feelings about all sorts of people. I’m second guessing their motivations. That’s what’s making me feel so scared. I don’t feel safe in this world anymore and I don’t know when the feeling will disappear. I’m still sane enough to doubt my feelings, but soon I will start believing them, like I already believe some of them, and then I’ll be far from home.
I needed to go to the tobacco shop, but was afraid to go, so now I have to use the can of tobacco crumbs that I have saved up. I don’t care, as long as I can make cigarettes. Tomorrow morning my sister and I will go grocery shopping and then I will buy tobacco.
I just took my medication including half a tablet of antipsychotics and we will soon see what happens. Like I said, they dissolve on your tongue and enter your system quickly, so I should notice something soon.
I did manage to sweep the living room floor and to mop it. I did the hard parts on my knees, where the dirt was very stubborn. That was in the places where furniture had stood. I have to do the kitchen floor tomorrow and do the bathroom floor as well. I don’t enjoy these jobs as they give me a backache, but once they are done there is a bit of satisfaction, especially when I got a bad spot out. I don’t care much about the apartment, but I’m going through the motions of getting it clean before Christmas. It’s all such a bother and I hardly care, but I feel I must make it look good for company. My older sister and my niece and her husband and daughter are supposed to come down here for the holidays, so I better have the place look good. Joost is coming after Christmas.
I feel I can’t write with the least amount of excitement. I may as well be a brain dead sack of potatoes sitting here behind the keyboard. Sometimes I just want to give up and not do it any longer. You know, participate in life. It seems like too much work and I don’t get anywhere. I’m tired of the ups and downs and the bad luck. I can try and be Pollyanna and see the bright side, but I can’t keep that up forever. Right now I just feel worn out. I couldn’t even change a light bulb today. I couldn’t get the darn thing screwed in.
The antipsychotic is working now. I may as well take the other half too. I don’t see much sense in just taking half a tablet. It seems like it wouldn’t be enough. Yes, I’m a stubborn patient. I don’t believe in suffering. I guess I believe in throwing caution to the wind.
Well, that’s enough of this pathetically written post. It’s one big lament, isn’t it? Allow me to have one of those too. I don’t know what else to do with myself. I can’t tell it to the animals. I really need a good therapy session or a slap up the head.
Ciao,
Nora
>Frittering away the time.
>
I’ve managed to fritter away the day doing I don’t know what. Yes, doing all sorts of inconsequential things that didn’t add up to anything worthwhile. At least, it doesn’t leave me with a lot to show for. After I walked the dog this morning in the slushy snow, which was cold and wet, I ate breakfast and went back to bed and slept another three hours, which was wonderful and I’m convinced I needed it, because when I woke up, I felt great and ever so ready to enjoy the rest of the day. Of course, I started it off by turning on the computer and reading my emails.
Mistake # 1. Never turn on your computer at a random time, because you will get stuck there in the middle of the day and forget to do other things that are more important. I did remember to get dressed, which is good, because the mailman rang the doorbell with a package for me and I did have my clothes on and that was doubly good, because a while later the Exfactor showed up for coffee and a chat. I would hate to have him see me in leggings and a T-shirt. We’re past that stage of intimacy.
He stayed for quite awhile and that took a big bite out of my afternoon and then I still had to walk the dog in the slushy snow. My boots have gotten wet and need drying out, but I keep wearing them, because I’m not feeling anything in my toes that’s indicating cold or wetness, unless the feeling has gone out of them completely. I probably have wet socks and don’t even realize it. After I walk the dog for the last time, I will take them off and put them on a radiator and let them dry properly. The Exfactor brought some cable holders to tack the cable of the computer to the baseboards with, but not enough, so I need to go to the hardware store to buy more.
I must make a list of things I have to buy before the year is out. It’s adding up in my head, but I’m bound to forget something now, as there are too many items on it. I will sit down shortly and start writing that list.
The package I got from the mailman contained a book that wouldn’t fit through the mailbox slot, but when I got the mail out of the mailbox, there was another book there and some Christmas cards, bringing the total to 13. I do hope I get more than that…
Eventually I remembered my wet laundry hanging out on the clothesline and brought it all in and put it in the washing machine for the spin cycle. It’s done now and I can hang it up to dry shortly. Mistake # 2, don’t hang up your laundry outside to dry when it’s wintertime and it has been snowing and it may rain soon. Mistake # 3, don’t trust the weather forecast on your computer.
Well, I have so little to show for my day, it’s just outrageous. I did all these little things that are not worth mentioning. If you sleep half of the day and spend another chunk visiting with you ex, it takes care of a good portion of it. I also find myself tired now and I don’t know why that is. I’m very much looking forward to going to bed and pulling the duvet over my head. It can be that visiting with the Exfactor has exhausted me. Who knows what sort of subliminal things take place while we meet? Maybe it wears me out.
I think I will hang up the laundry now and then walk the dog and have something to eat. Hey, this was supposed to be an upbeat post, but I ‘m ending it in a minor mood. I’m just very tired suddenly. Have a wonderful evening.
Ciao,
Nora
>It’s morning again and then what?
>
You answer you emails and drink your cups of coffee and smoke your cigarettes, that’s what you do. And when you’ve answered all your emails, you get to write a blog post, that’s allowable, because you’ve got the time and the inspiration.
I’ve slept my now normal 8 hours again and I feel fully rested and ready to tackle the day, though I mustn’t say this too loud, because I have been known to go back to bed after I’ve said such a thing. Although I don’t think I will today, because the day beckons me with the chores I want to get done. After I wrote my post last night, you see, I didn’t actually do a thing, but eat and watch the news and go to bed early with my very exciting book and a piece of Camembert cheese, which has given me a sore throat and I know it’s from the cheese, because I haven’t had any in a long time and now I just happen to have a sore throat, which I normally don’t have.
Outside it’s 1C and raining and the snow is turning into slush. Not a great day to go outside, but I’ll have to walk the poor dog in it. I’ll have to wait until the worst of it is over. Of course, this means that the laundry that I didn’t bring in last night, is now sopping wet and I’ll have to run it through the spin cycle of the washing machine. But it will be somewhat fresh smelling having been soaked by the rain, which is very clean, I hope. The laundry on the drying rack in the bathroom wasn’t quite dry last night and I didn’t think to bring the laundry from outside in, as they predicted no rain. Well, I was fooled, wasn’t I? I will have to go out in my hooded coat and get it off the clothesline and bring it dripping wet into the apartment in the laundry basket and stick it into the washing machine. I can already imagine how cold and wet it will be now.
It’s just a minor setback in my day and nothing I can’t deal with and, except for very cold hands, there will be no after effects. Everything in life should be that simple to resolve. The good part about the day is, that instead of sweeping the floors last night in the dimness of the light bulbs, I get to vacuum it now by daylight, so I will see much better what I do. This will obviously mean that I will see the dirt better and know where to scrub harder when I get ready to clean the floors. It is my intention to do that today, because I have no other plans and no places to go. I do want the place to look good before Christmas, that’s a promise I made myself and I need to stick to it.
I will absolutely not be a diva today, but just an ordinary run of the mill middle aged housewife, which is a persona I need to be every once in a while when I need to pull the interior of my apartment back into shape again. This is best done in extremely comfortable clothes and without regard to my exterior. It’s unimportant what I look like. What counts are some muscle and brawn and endurance. A pair of knee pads would help too, but I haven’t got any of those.
Of course, there’s no law that says I need to be middle aged to be a good housewife, because I used to be young and be a very competent one too, but the fact is that I’ve reached that point in my life that I’m actually called middle aged and that is a moniker I can’t easily get away from, no matter how hard I try, unless I have plastic surgery done all over the place and look like Jane Fonda. If I had the money I would have it done, the works, everything, nip and tuck and do whatever it needs. I’m vain enough for it. I don’t like the way my body is getting older and the way gravity is working on everything, pulling it all downwards to my knees. Even my eyelids.
In the meantime, I’m waiting for it to get light outside so the day can get started and I’m hoping for the rain to stop. The streets are going to be a mess and doubtlessly there will be traffic jambs as a result of it. It seems we can’t deal with winter weather anymore. Every bit of snowfall takes us by surprise, as if we don’t live in a cold climate where that happens regularly. A real snowfall would immobilize the country. How do you people in the Mid West and Canada do it?
My dog is barking at me and that is the signal that he wants to go out. I just looked out the window and it is barely drizzling, so I suppose we can go brave the elements now. We will just get a little wet.
I hope you all have a good day and that your weather isn’t as foul as it is here, because this is no fun. But we’ll stubbornly walk under the threatening skies and defy all the dark clouds.
Ciao,
Nora
>Slightly funky!
>
I’m feeling slightly funky, as if I’m a diva wearing a new costume and I need to go out on the town and show myself to as many admiring people as I can and have them trip all over themselves as they try to get as close to me as possible, while they bask in the glory that is me, the queen of the night. Oh hallelujah, wouldn’t it be great? The other option is that I sit here and bask in my own limelight that is the desk lamp and enjoy my own good company and keep the secret of my greatness to myself and don’t divulge a word of it to the world at large, but only to you, dear readers, who will keep the secret with me and not call the paparazzi for whatever amount of money.
A woman of a certain age needs her dreams and wants to pretend she’s like Bette Midler and quite glamorous from the top of her head down to her very toes. Or she could even be as ageless as Cher and be in a permanent state of undress and still not look naked. Either way, right now I need to think that I’m a diva and that I’m sitting here in my diva clothes with my cigarette in a fashionable holder, drinking a very dry martini from a delicately cut glass and I’m about to have the night of my life. What I actually do, once my soap bell has been busted, is irrelevant, because I can make this moment last forever. I’ll pretend I’m between engagements now.
Instead of having that dry martini, I’m having a cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine too. That must be because I’m drinking it from a mug that came all the way from Italy. It gives it something extra. A Mediterranean flavor. I could be drinking it from a mug all the way from Japan, but it is in the dirty dishes and divas don’t do dishes. At least not at this time of the day. This is when they have their fantasies. I’d like to pretend, by the way, that I’m wearing fish net stockings and long black high heeled boots, or do you think that’s too vulgar?
This morning, after I braved the cold in my regular clothes without a jacket on and hung up the laundry to dry outside, I got on my bike and rode it through the snowy, slushy streets to the little post office. There I mailed the ten books and bought stamps for inside the country, for inside Europe and for outside Europe. The cost of sending the books and the cost of the stamps took almost all the cash I had left in my wallet and left me with one Euro and some change to buy filter tubes with. I considered myself very lucky, because it would have been highly embarrassing to stand there without enough money.
When I got home, I called my contact person at Social Services to find out if there was a special reason why my money was not yet in my bank account and he said that, no, there was no reason at all, I had not done anything wrong, and it should show up any minute. That was a relief, because I thought maybe I was being penalized for not keeping my appointment with him and changing it to a later date. You never know how these government agencies work. There are all sorts of mysterious rules.
Then I opened the blue envelope from the Tax Office and saw the amount of income tax they wanted me to pay for 2008 and I thought, “I don’t have that money!” So, I got on the phone and talked to a very nice woman who said that they would give me 6 weeks plus 4 months to pay off the amount. That was not as reasonable as I had hoped, but it was something anyway and I will just have to live on bread and water for that time.
I checked my bank account again and saw that the money was there, so I immediately paid some bills, including the one for the taxes. I hate to have that hanging over my head. I’d rather know how poor I am at the beginning of the coming month, so I know what I can spend at the store. There’s no sense in hanging on to money that really isn’t yours anyway. It just gives you a false sense of security. While I was hanging out in my bank account on line, my balance suddenly got higher and that was because my rent and health insurance subsidies came in and I was happy to see that my health insurance subsidy had increased, because my insurance had gotten more expensive too. Sometimes things do actually work well. I keep looking at the bright side of things. Miss Pollyanna I am. I see a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.
Time to file the paperwork in a three ring binder that’s getting awfully full and that will need replacing with a new one. Or rather, I will have to start a new one in January and get new tab sheets and start filing things for 2010. Everybody is increasing their rates and nobody asks you if you can afford it. All the extra costs get passed on to the customers and we gleefully sit by and watch and can’t do a thing about it.
Of course, if I were a true diva, I would have a financial manager who would make a mess of things and leave me broke with himself with a large bank account on the Bahamas. This diva is managing her own small fortune herself. It is a little bitty mini fortune, courtesy of the state.
There’s a time to be sad and worried and there’s a time to not give a hoot and right now I don’t care. I’m not going to worry about a bloody thing and just pull up my shoulders and say, “So what?” You can run around in circles and try to get it all right and perfect and the way everybody wants it to be and after that you just have to walk away from it and say you’ve done your best. And blow many raspberries!
Where was I going with this fantasy anyway? I think I need to blow some new soap bubbles. I think as an encore I will sweep the living room floor, because there are a few drifts of dog hair floating around. I hope I can manage that in my high heeled boots. I may have to get out of these drag queen clothes and put on something sensible and middle aged. Socks and slippers, for instance. That’s okay, I was having a bad hair day anyway from wearing that woolly hat all the time. You can’t go out on the town when your hair is statically electrified to your head.
In the meantime, I’ve got to find some work to do. I need to be sensibly occupied. I’m sure if I look around here, I will find a job or two to do. There no shortage of cleaning up to do. There is a shortage of bright light, what with all the energy saving bulbs. I must find a solution for that. Maybe buy bigger bulbs. It does make things a little dim in here and I may miss some of the dirt. Other people would wait for daylight, but I must find something to pour my spare energy into and I’m not going to the disco, I don’t think they’re open on a Monday night.
It never did rain today and the snow is still here and now the prediction for rain that was up there earlier for tomorrow is gone. Now we have no clouds and moonshine. I wonder how my laundry is doing outside. I may have to bring it inside if my other laundry on the drying rack is dry. At least that will be a job I can do. Oh good! Never did a housewife get so excited about laundry, but that is because it means clean clothes for me to wear and I’m all for having a large choice of them.
Right, this diva is returning to her regular housewife status, but don’t think I’m really a regular housewife, because I’m not. I’m wearing Turkish pants and how many housewives do you know outside Turkey who do? It’s been a treat to pass the time with you, but I really must go do something sensible now. I only wish it weren’t so cold and dark by the clothesline.
Have a good evening, do all the things I would do and then some.
Ciao,
Nora
>What I should be doing!
>
I should be rushing around getting ready and walking the dog before I go to the post office, but I’ve pushed my pause button and am going to sit here just a while longer and enjoy the not so quite start of the day. Why? Because I can and because the dog is lying here beside me snoring and he has already been out for a piddle and my coffee tastes especially good. Besides that, my mood is extremely good right now and I want to keep it that way for a little while longer and not disturb it with aggravating activity yet. I know the post office isn’t open yet, though by the time I’m dressed and walk the dog it would be, but I have time yet and all will get done in the end.
At least my packages and Christmas cards are all ready to go and all I have to do is pick them up and put them in my shopping bag. It may be a bit tough to ride my bike, because there’s still snow outside and it is still freezing. I was standing by the back door when the dog did his piddle and shivered. Of course, he took forever, because he had to investigate everywhere and found one spot in particular very interesting and I wonder if there is a hedgehog there that took shelter. It was too cold and snowy to go out in my slippers to have a look. Every once in a while there is a hedge hog out back that wants to look for spots to hide under and the dog is always very curious when he runs into one.
I started my morning with a big glass of fruit juice, but realized very quickly that it doesn’t work the way a cup of coffee does and after half an hour, I very quickly walked to the Senseo machine and brewed myself a strong one, which I drank quickly and which restored me to my senses soon after. Yes, I do need my caffeine or I’m a sad camper who does not function well. I’m a typical Mickey Spillane writer who lives on caffeine and nicotine. I should have lived decades ago when it was still glamorous and I could have been a babe and have had interesting cocktails to drink in a rundown office on the backstairs, with a loaded gun in the desk drawer. Such is my fantasy this morning.
I’ve very quickly read as many blog posts as possible in the little time I allowed myself to do so, because I was up rather late this morning by my standards and that means that I had a good night’s sleep. I slept for at least 8 hours and feel quite spunky now. I don’t know what’s come over me, but for some reason I’m managing to sleep like a regular human being. I do get up in the middle of the night once, but have enough sense to go back to bed and I hardly remember falling asleep again. I’m very fond of my duvet and roll myself into it as if it were a sleeping bag with only the top of my head showing. I think I would like a heavier duvet in the wintertime, but I’m not cold. I think I would just enjoy the weight of it. I must look into that the next time I’m at Ikea. I need a new duvet anyway. This one is getting kind of threadbare.
I put a whole load of laundry through the machine last night and I would love to dry it outside, but the weather forecast predicts 2C and rain, so I think I can’t take the chance, which is really a shame, because there nothing like having your clothes dry outside. They smell so good when you bring them back in and put them away in your closet. The next best thing is when all your clothes smell of your favorite perfume. I’ve also tried those lavender sachets, but I find them next to useless, as I never have any of my clothes smell like lavender and I think it’s all just a rip off. I have thought of putting dryer sheets in the closet and hoping that their scent would make my clothes smell good, but I don’t know if they would stain them. Of course. all my clothes also smell of smoke and that is an odor that is hard to get rid off, unless you constantly wash your clothes, even when they aren’t dirty. That’s the kind of wear end tear I don’t need, though.
I just checked my bank account and my money isn’t there yet. Luckily, I have cash to pay with at the post office. I do have my guardian angel, I tell you. I am concerned about my money not being there and I will have to make a phone call today and find out where it is.
The dog is becoming restless and is giving me the evil eye. It says, “Come on woman, I need to go out,” so I guess I better do that now.
It’s still plenty cold out and of course I didn’t wear my gloves, so the hand that wasn’t in my pocket is very cold. It’s -4C and the snow is till just as thick as it was yesterday and nice and crunchy. I don’t see how I’m going to ride my bike in it, but I’ll worry about that when the time comes. It looks very slippery on the streets where all the cars have driven. I’ll have to walk in some spots.
Now that I’ve been out, the spell has been broken and I feel that the day has officially started. That means I can’t sit here much longer, although I can prolong the inevitable a little bit. I haven’t opened the blinds yet to let the daylight in, although I will do that soon and watch the sun shine on the snow. I hope the weather forecasters got it wrong and that it doesn’t rain today and that I can hang up my laundry to dry. I will tempt fate and hang it out anyway and see what happens.
I haven’t got anything planned for Christmas and I think I will just pretend it is a day like any other day, but just a little bit more jubilant. I don’t have a tree up, nor any other decorations, except for the sparkly branches in the bedroom and the Christmas cards that are hanging on the living room door. I do enjoy getting and sending cards. That’s one tradition I will honor. I’m not going to roast a goose or a turkey and I won’t be drinking eggnog. I think I have some Bailey’s Irish Cream left that I may imbibe in. I do always think of that as a Holiday drink. It’s the smoothest stuff I know.
Well, I’m off to hang up the laundry, so I all expect you to keep your fingers crossed for me for dry weather. Just think, all I want is nice smelling clothes. Oh yes, and money in my bank account.
I hope you all have a terrific day and that you have all your Christmas shopping done, because I would hate to think of you having to do your shopping now.
Ciao,
Nora
>Sunday later in the day…
>
After I wrote my post this morning, and spent some time downloading more wallpaper, I took the dog for a walk in the snow. It was cold outside and there was a wind blowing from the south and it was not warm as you might expect it to be, all warm things coming from the south. It was a cold wind and whipped around me with snow flurries and I shivered and made the dog hurry as quickly as possible. When I got home, I immediately changed clothes, because what I was wearing wasn’t warm enough and I dug into my closet to find warmer clothing. Now I’m wearing things I haven’t worn in quite some time, but I’m much more comfortable. I couldn’t fit into last year’s skinny jeans, but they wear always a questionable size, so I’m not surprised. Instead, I’m wearing two pairs of leggings and the top pair is Turkish and are more like pants with a skirt attached to them over which I’m wearing a long sleeved tunic, under which I’m wearing a long sleeved T-shirt.
I wore my woolly hat pulled down to my eyebrows the second time we went out, because it hasn’t stopped snowing all day, but the dog got snowed on and little clumps of snow collected on his long ears. My boots served their function well and kept my feet dry and warm, they are good boots. We have to go out again in a little while and will have fun walking around in the thick layer of snow that may be gone again tomorrow, because it’s going to be 2C and it’s going to rain. I would rather have snow than rain, but the rain is only supposed to be an interlude and then we will have snow again. We may have a white Christmas.
I didn’t waste my day, but got 10 books ready to ship and it was a lot of work, because I have to find the right envelope to fit the book in and get it in good enough shape to get it to close again and take the address label. I use used envelopes that people have sent me books in and so far it has worked well, but it is extra work to make them look presentable. Then I have to find the right book to go with the right address, but I have a whole system for that and it goes like clockwork. I make all the address labels first and write on the back of each which book goes with it, so when I get ready to fix that package, I get the book off the shelf and not sooner. It prevents confusion.
I was going to keep being this industrious and pay my bills, only to find out that my check had not been deposited in my bank account yet. So that kind of put a cramp in my style. I hope it’s there on Monday. Instead of paying bills, I will have to hang up the laundry. That will be industrious too.
I just walked the dog again and it is less cold outside. There is hardly any wind and is has stopped snowing. There are footsteps in the snow everywhere and sled tracks. People have swept the sidewalks in front of their houses leaving little treacherous snowy patches that are slippery, so you’d rather just walk in the snow. All good intentions go astray.
Oh no, after I came home from walking the dog the first time this morning, I didn’t immediately change my clothes. I went back to bed first. I slept for 3 more hours! How could I have forgotten that? It was wonderful and ever so cozy in bed. I had my book and I had eaten breakfast and I was warm and snug under the duvet and I think this is a very good habit to keep, because I am cold when I get home and I do always want some more sleep and there is no better place to be than in bed with my book. As a matter of fact, I am yawning now and I will have to try an draw out bedtime as long as possible so I don’t go to bed too early, but isn’t sleeping wonderful? I think it is one of my hobbies. I’m a connoisseur of sleep.
The problem with the woolly hat is that it ruins your hairdo. It makes your hair totally flat and stick to your skull so you look like a monkey. You can’t be seen in polite company like that and you should just keep your hat on. No wonder that society women never take their hats off when they are at a function. They would look ridiculous. I’m already constantly wearing my scarf, I should just constantly wear my woolly hat too. I’m sure I would be thought of as eccentric and then I would start to wear purple. Possibly I would start wearing long underwear too and always be warm, and fingerless gloves.
I’m very happy in my Turkish pants. They keep me warm and the skirt keeps me modest under my tunic, because the tunic is just a bit too short to wear as a mini dress. If I were a teenager, I’m sure I could get away with it, but I’m an old woman and can’t. I do always have to keep my age in mind when I dress, because I can’t do the things I’d always like to do and that is dress without a care in the world and just put on whatever I feel like. There are limits to what I can get away with, although my legs aren’t bad looking from a certain point down. I’m always very happy to be wearing leggings, because they cover up many details that I don’t care to show, although I don’t have anything as unsightly as varicose veins, knock on wood!
I have more tunics in my closet that I haven’t worn in a while and I have another pair of Turkish pants in another color, so I’m all set for the cold weather. Not to speak of cute little sweaters that can go over them if need be. Layers, that’s what it takes. I’m all set for the cold, although I still despise riding my bike in it and would so very much prefer to own a car and be warm and comfortable in one. Let’s face it, though, There is no car in my future. Unless it’s one of those little things that’s only allowed to go 45km an hour and for which you need a scooter license. That’s such a typical old people car and I would feel very funny driving one, but I wouldn’t hesitate if I could get one. If they gave me one, that is.
I’m used now to taking only two tablets of anti psychotics. I don’t feel funny anymore. I take one during the day and the other one at night and that seems to work just fine. I don’t think I can wait with the one during the day and take it later, but it isn’t necessary. It’s not making me drowsy once I’ve had enough sleep. I always worry a bit about decreasing my medication, because I don’t know what effects it will have on me, but I really only had one bad day and one not so bad day. Today I was fine and didn’t notice anything adverse. I thought I was going to have a tougher time longer.
Well, it’s time to go hang up the laundry and put the trash outside. Brrr… I’ll have to go out there again. I’ll concentrate on the laundry first, that’s much more pleasant. Oh, and I have to put away all the clothes that I wore last week that didn’t go into the laundry basket. It’s always something. I don’t like putting away my clothes because the closet is too full.
Have a nice evening and try to stay warm by the fire, if you have one.
Ciao,
Nora
>Sunday in the wee hours.
>
I went to bed at 7 pm last night. I was so tired and basically all I had done all day was sit behind the computer, but I suppose that can wear you out also. I read my book for just a little while and then went to sleep and slept for eight hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I was surprised when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was when I woke up. Of course, it is still early in the morning, but that just leaves me a lot of time to sit here behind the computer and have wonderful cups of coffee and cigarettes and do as I please until the day really starts. By that I mean, when the sun comes up and I have to get dressed and walk the dog and do a serious task instead of just sitting here enjoying myself.
It is only -7C outside, so not as cold as it was the night before last. Cold enough for the heater to go on every once in awhile, so it is nice and pleasant in the apartment. I have some lights on so I don’t sit here in the dark too much, I mean not only with the desk lamp on, and it is very cozy. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, as if all is well with the world for right now. You do have to get your small moments of joy out of the day as much as possible and you have to find them in the little things that are very near and dear to you, such as being in your own safe and quiet space with the lights on and the cold and dark world outside. It makes you appreciate being warm and comfortable very much.
The dog is always where I am. Every once in a while he goes and finds a more comfortable place to lie down, but he always returns here to lie beside me on the rug, as if he is attached to me by an invisible cord that is unbreakable. I find such loyalty very endearing and I always find myself looking at him sleep and being so taken with that. A dog is such an innocent animal and so totally dependent on you. I always have to be steadfast and true to him, so as to not confuse him and to always make him feel secure and make his life predictable. Sometimes he gives me that look as if to say, “Is everything okay? Yes? Alright then!” Then he continues to do whatever he was doing. He assumes he is safe and safe he is, especially now that he is as good as deaf and doesn’t see well. He gets treated with extra special care.
I have a good camera, but I sure do forget to use it a lot. I don’t think I have even photographed my last two paintings. I must remember to do that and show those on my art blog. I always have my camera in my purse, but then forget all about it. I am not an opportunity photographer. I don’t walk around the world seeing good shots. I would only do that if I had my camera in my hand and consciously thought about it. It is really a shame, because I’m probably missing all sorts of photo opportunities. Then again, maybe photography doesn’t come to me naturally, or I would do it more instinctively. I think some people have a real gift for it and see the world the way you would see it through the lens of a camera constantly. Every once in a while I see a scene that I think would make a good photograph, but then I forget that I have my camera right in my purse and that I can take a photo right then and there. I suppose I haven’t developed the freedom to do that and the instincts to go with it. I’m too inhibited. I guess if I have to make a resolution for the New Year, it is to use my camera more often, although I’m not a great believer in resolutions, because very often they are false promises you make to yourself. It is my intention to use my camera more often, let’s put it that way. If I actually do it is something we will have to wait and see about.
It’s the same way with doing art. I haven’t done any at home for quite awhile. Now, I know why this is. I’m missing some essential ingredients to make the things I want to make, but still, that’s only partly an excuse. I can’t seem to get into art making at home the way I do at therapy. Of course, I don’t have the right place to do it, except for the dining table where I always have to clean everything up immediately or else the cats will walk all over it. I have to get a table and a good lamp to put in my bedroom and get the other ingredients that I need to be able to make the art I want to create. If I was really interested, I would be getting this done, but it is like so many other things. I postpone it indefinitely, as if it is going to happen by itself some day magically, forgetting that I have to be the moving force behind it. I think I’m waiting for that spark of inspiration and interest to hit me. The one that will set me on fire a little bit. The one that makes me manic, without actually becoming fully manic.
So, you see I’m not living up to my potential in many ways and that is because of my very low energy level. Because I spend more time sitting and getting nothing much accomplished than I do moving about and being engaged in something. I have a big mental block that I can’t get past. It’s like a huge boulder on the road and I can’t get around it, so I idle my time away in front of it. Every day I tell myself that this is the day that it’s going to be different, and every day is a repeat of the day before and I achieve hardly anything. A depressed mind is a terrible thing to carry around with you. It is heavy and burdensome and nothing but a frustrating load to bear.
But now I must be cheerful, because it’s still early in the morning and nothing can touch me yet. I can make myself another cup of coffee and wile away my time a little bit longer. Of course. I have to remember that it’s Sunday and a day of rest and that not much bad can happen to you on a Sunday. It’s everybody’s day off. Even the tax office, whose blue envelope I have lying unopened on the coffee table and which I will open today. A blue envelope is never any good. That’s why it’s colored blue, so you won’t miss it in the mail and say you didn’t get it. I’m not going to worry about it. Whatever bad news is in there, I will deal with. They are not the evil stepmother and I am not a helpless Snow White. There is no Prince Charming in this story.
It would be ever so nice if there were a Fairy Cleaning Crew that would come and Micro Clean the apartment. I have a feeling that if it were clean once and for all, I would be able to keep it clean, but maybe that is a delusion. It is nice to believe in fairy tales, though. Maybe I need some wicked step sisters to put to work while I go to the ball. Oh no, that would be too much work. I would have to get all jazzed up in my finest and wear high heels and a low cut dress. I don’t think so in this weather. Not unless I got to wear a fake fur coat that was especially warm.
Well, I guess that’s about it for me for this morning. I hope I’ve kept you pleasantly entertained. I’ve kept myself entertained, that’s for sure. It made the time pass quickly and I still can do all sorts of things.
I hope you all have a good morning and the best of days, this Sunday before Christmas.
Ciao,
Nora
>Saturday Morning.
>
It’s -12C outside, so I’m not quite ready yet to go and walk the dog. I hope he can wait a while until it gets just a bit warmer. I’m sure all the ice skating fanatics are ready at every bit of open water that’s frozen over and are out there tying on their skates now before it gets to crowded on the ice. There are a lot of ice skating fanatics in this country. It’s in the blood. Last year there was lots of good skating on natural ice, so nearly everybody has skates now and they will want to put them to good use. I wonder if there will be another run on skates by the people who didn’t manage to get a pair last season, because they were all sold out. The manufacturers couldn’t keep up with the demand.
I managed to sleep eight hours last night, yet after I got up and had my breakfast and took my morning medication and answered some emails, I went back to bed and slept another three hours. I don’t know if that is because of the tranquilizers that I take or because I just needed the additional sleep. I would have to try and not take the tranquilizers some morning and find out, Maybe I can do that tomorrow and see what happens. I’m reluctant to go without any of my medicines, because of the changes in my constitution, but sometimes it’s worth trying to see if it makes any difference in my energy levels. Like I am doing now with the antipsychotic.
I haven’t noticed any difference so far in my interest in tackling the apartment and that is what I’m really waiting for. I’m waiting for that little burst of energy that will get me started on the jobs I have to do. Some boost in my level of interest in getting those things done. The fact that I care enough to. Right now I don’t see that changing. I am mostly uninterested in most anything I would have to do and I find myself putting off other things as well until the moment that they can’t be put off any longer. I guess it’s the approaching deadline that works as a motivating factor for me right now, but it’s always looming over me as the sword of Damocles. It’s not how it ought to be. I hope to see some change in that today.
I pick images that I’d like to have on my screen as wallpaper, but I also have been using them as images for the tops of my posts lately and I got feedback that they were well liked. So, the only criteria I have, is if I would like the image as a wallpaper. If the answer is yes, then I download it and save it. You wouldn’t believe the good stuff that you can find on the Internet and it’s all anarchistically for free. No, the Internet is not democratic. It’s a jungle and a free for all. We assume we will all be polite and gentlemanly, but whose to say we will be? It’s amazing that it works so well. Just don’t hang out in the fringes.
Of course, I’m not getting anything valuable done, though I did just clean up cat barf. Gandhi had eaten dog food and was too greedy with the obvious result. For some reason the dog decided not to eat it and I had not noticed that, being so wrapped up in what I was doing. I do have a one track mind sometimes and only a gagging cat will disturb me.
It’s time to come back to reality and have a good look around me and see what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am wasting my time fruitfully. I can get so lost in things, I’m sure you all have the same problem, but isn’t that pleasant, though? It’s really nice when you’re doing something that completely takes your mind off things and lets you not have a care in the world for a while. I completely forgot my surroundings, I was so lost in those images. It just goes to show you which photos you don’t have to take, because they’ve already been taken by somebody else, unless you want them as your own mementos.
It also shows you which photos are just pure kitsch and that you should not take them for the sake of good taste. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but when you see many of them like it on a photography website, you realize they’re no good and it is a waste of time to take them. Photos of babies and puppies and kittens and pretty young women are a dime a dozen. Those aren’t the winning photographs. Besides, nowadays you can’t take photos of half naked children without feeling that they’re going to be exploited somehow. I would be very uncomfortable placing them. Equally with shots of alluring young women. Why do we need them anyway, if not to draw the male viewer in with promises of sensuality? Those are not the photographs that are appealing to me and I’m certainly not going to download them, although some of them are quite beautiful. There’s so much you don’t want to do in this day and age. We’re past the age of innocence.
Oh, I’m moralizing, aren’t I? Well, I will get off my soap box and get back down to street level where I belong. I certainly can’t dictate good taste, although I think everyone should have it. I do realize it develops depending on your circumstances and what you are exposed to. I know that when I lived a middle class life, my tastes were much more pedestrian, although they were slightly more enlightened then your average housewife. I was not as evolved as I am now and who’s to say that I am all that evolved now compared to other more enlightened human beings? I may still be very limited in my points of view and be unaware of a whole lot of observations on life that I’ve not been exposed to. I try my best, though, to stay open and aware.
Well, having wasted a good portion of the day, I will draw an end to this epistle and see if I can do some other things instead. Packaging books may be a useful thing to do. It’s always a lot of work and it will keep me busy for a while. I hope I don’t run out of steam halfway through. I must finish it all at once.
Have a good day you all. ‘t Is the weekend before Christmas and no doubt you’re all busy getting ready for that. Don’t forget to take a breather every now and then.
Ciao,
Nora
>Friday at the best time of the day…
>
I’m saying that, but I don’t know at all if it’s true. I’m just saying it as a wishful way of thinking, to make it come true, because I’ll be darned if I’m not going to feel well now.
I’m sitting here with a big glass of juice and a cigarette and the dog at my feet. Outside it’s -3C, which is an improvement, because this morning it was -7C and that was just a little bit colder. My sister and I were at the grocery store before 8 am and we had to wait just a few minutes in the cold before the manager opened the doors. It makes you think of homeless people immediately and how they manage to get through the night.
We got our groceries done fast enough and were home by 8:30 am. I unloaded everything very quickly and had something to eat, but because I only had 6 hours of sleep, I realized I needed to go back to bed and sleep some more, which I did. Every once in a while I woke up, but I knew it wasn’t time to get up yet, until it was noontime and I felt that I was awake properly and could face the day. I let the whole thing depend on my mood. If I feel at all down and out, I don’t get up, but wait until that feeling is completely gone. If I get up too soon, I will be very miserable and suffer unnecessarily and think the world is coming to an end. I can’t stand any suffering. I don’t do it gracefully at all.
I think I’m very sensitive to emotional pain, or maybe everybody is and I just feel more of it quicker. I feel quickly overwhelmed by my emotions and feel like they roll over me like a big strong storm that I have little control over. I get upset and distraught very easily and scared that I will fall apart. I’m very much afraid that I will lose control over the scenario and that I will lose touch with reality. Sometimes I feel myself fall apart and fly into dozens of little pieces and I become very scared and I think I will not be able to gather myself back together again.
I’m happiest when I try not to feel anything. When I’m free of emotions, although I really don’t know if I actually am at that point, or if I’m just happy then about nothing at all. Just about being alive, maybe. It’s when I’ve managed to push every obnoxious thought away and my head feels empty of them and there’s only room for pleasant thoughts for a while, however small and insignificant they are. It’s the absence of pain. It’s in the void of that that I’m alive.
Well, so much for serious words. I have to keep in mind that I’m decreasing my medication and that I’m going to feel some emotions now that I haven’t felt for some time. They have been numbed by the medicines. I’ve just had to take an antipsychotic tablet and not wait until tonight, because I felt my mind going through the withdrawal from that. I would normally already have had two tablets of it plus the one I didn’t have last night. That’s a lot all at once. It melts on your tongue, so it enters your system quickly. All I have to do now is wait for it to work.
In the meantime, while I’m preoccupied with the workings of my mind, and how can I ignore them at this point, I still haven’t gotten the stamps that I need for all the Christmas cards that I wrote last night. The little post office wasn’t open yet this morning, so I couldn’t get them. That means I either have to go there this afternoon, or get them on Monday when I send the packages with the books. Christmas is sneaking up on me this year. I didn’t realize it was next week. In my mind it was still two weeks away. I hope I’m not the only one with this problem. Tell me I’m not! Even though it’s freezing outside and we’ve had some snow, I just wasn’t ready for it to be Christmas yet. It seems to come sooner every year, but maybe that’s okay, because that means winter will be over quickly and it will be springtime soon. Spoken like a real optimist, right?
I know there are people in Canada who are a heck of a lot colder than I am, that’s for sure. Our little cold climate is nothing compared to theirs. They really feel what winter is all about. They live in arctic conditions. So I won’t complain about the cold too much. It’s not that bad after all. I’ll complain when it gets to be -15C. I think I’ll have every good right to then. I don’t think I have clothes warm enough for that kind of weather, although I do have a really good winter coat in a Russian kind of way. It’s not very stylish, but it’s warm.
It’s taking me forever to write this, but in the meantime my medication is working and I’m feeling a lot better, so I know what to do now. Take one tablet in the middle of the day. I just can’t last so long without one. It makes my mind do funny things. It makes me feel slightly desperate.
It’s very dark in here. I only have the desk lamp on and the rest of the living room is shrouded in darkness. That’s because it’s so cloudy outside and it wouldn’t surprise me if it started to snow again. I don’t like for the living room to be so dark and it certainly isn’t good for my plants. Those poor things have a hard enough time as it is under my ‘green’ thumb. I have to change the light bulb in one of the overhead lamps. It isn’t very bright and it takes a long time to get up to strength. It’s an energy saving bulb that comes to life slowly and then never really makes it’s promise come true. I think I will do better if I change it for another one. I don’t know why this one in particular behaves this way.
Do you think that 600 grams of wet food is too much food for a medium sized dog to eat? That is 21 ounces. It seems to be what the dog needs to be satisfied. I was giving him 400 grams (14 ounces), but that was leaving him hungry and scrounging the cat food. It’s the best quality dog food there is made with lean meat and vegetables.
Well, that’s all for me for today. It’s taken me the better part of the afternoon to write this, just about. You’ve gone through a whole mood change with me. I don’t know if you’re aware of that.
Ciao,
Nora
Another Splendid Day 